Recently I posted about a letter that my ex sent me vehemently defending himself and his decision to leave for this new girl. He claimed to have found peace with her, blah blah. Now I get a letter yesterday asking for my forgiveness and friendship. In the letter, he flogged himself repeatedly, claimed to love me and think of me often; he said he has a hard time getting up in the morning. He hates himself sometimes, and on and on. I am so confused. He made reference to her as his "mate." He seems unhappy and totally void of the peace he claimed to have found (I knew that was a bogus attempt at rationalization then anyway). He even admitted that we were good at times, but life got in the way. We were best friends. I am not sure how I should respond. I want his friendship, but so many here have said that it would be somewhat masochistic. He made no mention of coming back, but a continued friendship would leave me clinging to that as a possibility. Part of me wants to just let go and move on. I am not sure what the right thing to do is. I am continuing with plan A; it's almost become second nature to me.

gsd<BR>I would recommend staying guarded. I am in a similar but not exact situation. And it is hard...they say things yet there is no call to action. For me while he may have written a letter, he is still with her. <BR>I have been giving this a lot of thought... if he really does want to be with you or if he is unhappy then he needs to leave her and be on his own, if you and he are meant to be he will want to spend the effort...that is my thought. <P>My H wants to continue remote contact, but will not come home, would not file for divorce nothing...it is sad. But really you want him to find himself and not leave her because he knows you are waiting, and not to keep you stringing along emotionally.<BR>I know it is hard..I am there myself.<BR>But remember what is best for you? If he is indesicive about things...says he did wrong evokes emotions this is for his security not yours he is still being selfish...I am learning this day by day I take it...<P>take care of you

Do they copyright those letters??? <P>I received one of those a few weeks ago..."Oh woe is me... I am sorry for what I have done..." BS... it is an attempt to make themselves feel better...

gsd,<P>From reading your Post, what I sense is that your H can feel that you are detaching from him. He doesn't want to lose you, yet he doesn't want to give up his "plaything" either.<P>He is keeping you at arms-length but is not ready to commit.<P>I apologize that I'm not too familiar with your story, but you mentioned that he is your ex. So, if he is your ex, does that mean that you hardly see him?<P>As he is your ex, and you are already divorced, my advice would be Plan B. You need to detach yourself from him, move forward...and if he does show that he wants to commit and will sever contact with OW...then, go back into Plan A.

We are divorced. The plan B thing makes sense. I think a friendship is his way of asking me for absolution. I don't think I can be his friend if he is with her. I just want to avoid the appearance of giving some kind of ultimatum. We are divorced and I do not think I want a reconciliation. But I can't be a real friend (unselfish, giving, nonjudgemental) to him and still feel all this resentment. It's not fair to either of us.

Do you want to be his friend? If so, then you should talk. But, if not, then I also suggest moving on. If you do not want a reconcillation and if you don't have kids, there really isn't any reason to be his friend unless that is what you want.

My wife (WS)has given me a couple of letters stating that she has been honest, she loves me but isn't in love with me...says that all she can be is my friend. <P>I can be cordial when I am around her...as we have 2 small children. I guess the question that needs to be answered is...Do I want someone that would do this to me and cause this much pain in my life as a friend?<P>I don't think that a "friend" would do that. <P>Mike

It is the hardest thing in the world to be the "friend" of someone who has done this to you. But what is the alternative? Enemy? Nothing? <P>I have blown this one myself. I am apparently no longer friends with my XW. It's a long story, but the bottom line is she no longer does so much as reply to an e-mail. <P>I'm not sure that it is entirely me that got things that way, but I have had to make some hard choices without her input, and those choices have apparently cut the last thread linking her to me. <P>I can't even get her to communicate with me on "housekeeping" details regarding the final untangling of our financial lives. <P>Do what you can to swallow what has happened and be decent to him. Accept his emotions as genuine, even if you disagree vehemently with what he has done. The best way to convince him how mistaken he was is to be someone he can't imagine how he came to feel so disconnected from that he would go to OW.<P>This is really, though, a choice between Plan A and Plan B. If you've committed to Plan A and you want to stay there, then you know which avenue you must choose, until the pain becomes just too great and you flip to Plan B.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 15, 2001).]