Just a quick recap....<P>*H of 11 years begins EA with co-worker Nov.99; I discover it 1 week later. *H moves out Jan.00; wants to be with his new "soulmate." PA starts. I begin Plan A.<BR>*H moves in with OW in June 00.<BR>*I get really depressed in Sept. 00 and almost kill myself, but end up having a mini-breakdown when he came to visit me one day. Stress continued and I end up in hospital (anxiety attack) in Oct.00 for one day. Seem to be better now.<BR>*Nov.00....begin Plan B. <P>Okay...so now I've been doing really well since November and have been feeling much stronger, not as emotional, etc. I took all his pictures down, packed away all reminders of the marriage, etc. I only have rare days when I get a bit depressed or have a bad day. And I'm still in counseling. I've pretty much decided that it's over and there's no chance for restoration. He's just become someone I wouldn't marry.<P>But for a few days now, I've been feeling kinda depressed and sad again. While I do trust God for whatever He may have for my future, I'm afraid and depressed when I try to think of what I'm going to do with my life now. My fears generally relate to two areas:<P>1) Divorce: Should I just go ahead and do it and get it over with? I have been getting my affairs on order...finances, etc....so that when/if it happens, I'll be ready. My H WILL NOT be the one to file....ever. I just know he won't. Can I just live in this pending fashion forever? <P>Also, I have been closing credit card accounts, and tidying up our joint finances and have had to contact him (via e-mail) to tell him. He seems to be okay with everything I've done, but always jabs in with remarks like "well, that's not the way I would have done it" or "I wouldn't have divided things the way you did, I would have just done it differently" in response to the way I divided our common bills. I did it very fairly (even my counselor and a lawyer friend said that) and he hasn't ever said it's not, just always undermining my efforts (as usual). The point is...HE DIDN'T DO IT AND HE WON'T DO IT. I asked, and asked him to look at the finances, but he keeps putting it off. I KNOW he won't do it. He hasn't made step one towards a divorce.<P>Anyway, it frustrates the h*ll out of me. The reason I'm doing it is because I don't trust him anymore and want to be separate from him financially or liability wise. Shoudl I just do the divorce and get it over with?<P>The other area is....<BR>2) What if I really am a cold, hard woman (like he said)? How will I know if I have really changed or can even really change? I never saw myself like he did....but what if I really am and I just can't see it? I didn't want this stupid separation or divorce, but I also want to be with someone. Not in an needy, clingy way...I'm not like that. But I want to share my life....what if there isn't anyone out there who will like or love me? How will I ever meet them?<P>I know this sounds really dumb, but I'm 44 and I'm fairly picky and old-fashioned and feel like everything I thought I knew about love and picking a person has been shot to h*ll with all that's happened.<P>Sorry, I didn't realize it, but I guess I needed to vent. I been trying to be so strong and actually have been feeling stronger, and now I'm just bawling. What a dizzy dame!!<P>O well....thanks for letting me post this. Any words of advice, comfort, support, help, kicking me in the pants, etc. are welcome.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs O,<BR>I am sort of in the same place, seems like things are going on for a long time and I know my H will not make a move. H moved out sept00 and I have hardly heard from him since.<P>I had set a date of 6 months for this trial seperation as he called it. That is fast approaching in March. I reread the harleys book and they talk about setting a time frame on your plan B. Have you done that? They sort of recommend 2 years from discovery day. Because most affairs end by 2 years out in the open. Would it help you to have a date in your mind so that you dont feel you are in such limbo?<BR>Lora

Well, the two-year time frame would be this coming November. I have thought about that as a time to "wrap things up."<P>However, I hate divorce or even thinking about it. In some ways, it'll hurt me financially a little, and just the whole idea goes against every fiber of my being and belief system. It's hard to come to terms with that. But I also don't know how long I can stay in limbo either. <P>I just know that whenever I interact with my H, I come away feeling bad about myself or go into an emotional slump. He is very manipulative, esp. emotionally....but I don't think he even realizes he's doing this (it's the thing he HATES about his Mom, but here he is doing it to). So I figure when the divorce is final, we won't have to interact at all hardly and that would be a good thing for me emotionally (we don't have kids, but do still own our house/property together and probably still will after the divorce as I live there, but can't carry the mortgage).<P>Anyway, I guess I will just take it easy and try not to push a divorce thru, but maybe work at it little by little...ie get the forms, fill them out, figure out budgets, etc. I think we will eventually go into mediation and just try to do the whole thing ourselves, as we are civil with each other and don't really own very much. However, he knows and I know that I'm prone to give more than he is and I just have to learn how to be strong and not let his comments get to me I guess.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

(((((Mrs.O)))))<P>"2) What if I really am a cold, hard woman (like he said)? How will I know if I<BR>have really changed or can even really change? I never saw myself like he<BR>did....but what if I really am and I just can't see it?"<P>Please don't base your self value on words of a H who is living with an OW!!! I'm sure your critters, family, friends and co-workers would not describe you the same. They aren't operating out of guilt and broken vows as your H is when he works on your "button of self doubt"<P>Although living in limbo is pure h**l,, making a hard decision could set you free. You will know it is time to look out for number one ((((YOU)))) because of the cost of being in limbo. I'm not trying to encourage you to go either way. You will know when you've had enough of this lifestyle you've been made to endure.<P>"I know this sounds really dumb, but I'm 44 and I'm fairly picky and old-fashioned and<BR>feel like everything I thought I knew about love and picking a person has been shot to<BR>h*ll with all that's happened."<P>You are in good company! I am 46, a mother and a grandmother and have the exact same thoughts. I don't let doubt rule for long periods of time because I know I have the companionship of a person I like the most, ME, a work in process.<P>You will get where you need to be!<P>(((((Mrs. O))))))), I am thinking of you! Happy Valentines Day too, in case no one told you that yet today!<P>Ragamuffin<P>ragamuffin@dog.com