<br>I've been reading "Divorce Busting" and really understanding that I can only change myself. The problem is, I can change for a few days, but I always end up going back to the same old habit of nagging. <p>I don't know how I got this way. I used to be so much fun, and I HATED women who nagged their spouses/boyfriends. I always thought, "They ought to be smarter than that, and realize that nagging and bi**hing just pushes men further away". <p>I've become a person that I don't like anymore. <p>Now, to justify my position, my H. is a complete jerk. If you know my history, then you know that he has/had (I'm never sure if it's over or not) a drinking problem. He has lied to me about everything under the sun because of said drinking problem. He also spends money that we don't have. But, the lying thing has KILLED all the trust in our marriage. <p>Anyway, he tells me that we don't even have a marriage anymore. Today he went to the store to get some milk, and came back empty-handed. He said, "I forgot the milk". Of course, I asked him, "what did you REALLY do? Drink?" He got mad at me, and told me that he went to the video store, but couldn't find anything to rent, and came back home.<p>I don't know what he did, but I do know that my reaction didn't do anything but make the situation worse.<p>I need to stop nagging FOR GOOD. I just get so irritated when he comes home late, with some stupid excuse, that I just start calling him a liar, and get really mad. I know that he isn't having an affair. I just don't know if he's drinking, or what happens to make him late getting home. He always says that it's traffic. It gets really ridiculous.<p>I need your advice on this one. I am ruining our marriage, and I need to stop.

Deanne,<p>The two of you should be in counseling for this marriage. If he won't go, I suggest that you give Steve Harley a call and either do counseling with him, or with someone who uses Dr. Harley's material in your area.<p>You need to come up with a plan, and then stick to it. With your husband's help, it would be easier. First, he could let you know when you 'slipped up' (or did good). Second, he could work on his thoughtless behaviors at the same time. But regardless, you recognize that your behavior isn't helping. You need to seek counseling with a behaviorally-based therapist to try to change this.

deanne,<p>I have found that the negative approach, simply stopping certain behavior or activities, doesn't seem to work. Like you say you go right back to the same behavior. What you have to do is get engaged in something larger than the behavior you want to cease. For example if you know you are very selfish it's not enough to simply stop being selfish. You need to get involved in activity that causes you to be unselfish, like volunteer work or something.<br>That's my take. Hope it helps.

n/a<p>[This message has been edited by TimBobby (edited 02-12-99).]