I have been reading the forums here for about 3 days. This is my first message and I feel a little behind. But I really felt the need to talk about my situation and thought this would be a great start.<P>Husband of 11 years just left me tonight. He told me 11 days ago that he was thinking of divorce. To be quite honest it took me totally by surprise. I had no indication that things were going South.<P>I guess the most logical place to start in all this is that my husband had an affair 4 years ago. Once found out he quickly ended the whole thing and decided to stay with me. It was a very long distance relationship as ow lived in another country. We discussed reasons for affair and made adjustments. Or at least I did. We have gone along very smoothly for three years. Then out of the blue he tells me that he thinks that divorce is best as he doesn't feel the same way about me as he did 13 years ago when we met and that he does not want to hurt me by having another affair. I guess that was supposed to make me feel grateful or something. I asked him to talk to me tonight about our situation hoping I could get some answers. He says he loves me and that no one could ask for a better wife but he needs to feel more. I said not to hold back and to be totally honest with me, what came out was that I needed stability in my life and he did not. He said he really cares about nothing and has no ties, resents working (but always told me not to go back to work even when I asked if He would like me too). Guess I wrongly assumed that he enjoyed providing for his family so well. He resents the relationship I have with my family and he is convinced in his own mind that they hate him (totally untrue) because of the affair and that they totally control me which couldn't be further from the truth. I enjoy my family but am my own person. He also said that all my friends would instruct me to rake him over the coals in the divorce. Says he doesn't care about money but doesn't want to lose anymore than he has to in the divorce!! Where does he get off thinking I'm just a puppet and would do whatever told.<P>In the end he said he wants us to be close and that I could come to him for anything I need. He said his parents relationship after thier divorce was bad and he hoped ours would be much better. Right now of course I don't want that at all but I suppose ultimately for our kids it would be best. I know I will hold up my end of the bargin but I doubt his abiltiy to do so. Think once he becomes "involved" with someone else the children and I will soon be seen as yet another burden to his carefree lifestyle. <P>I know I have rambled on a bit but would appreciate any feedback. Thanks for listening. <BR>

Expect more volatility. Don't be surprised if your husband changes his mind suddenly and drastically a few more times in the coming weeks. Your husband has been burying his feelings, and without knowing what he should have been feeling, he can only feel the building pressure. He needs to find an escape valve, and since he can't admit that he is running from <I>himself</I>, he needs to believe he is running from something external. That would be you and your marriage.<P>His expectations are unrealistic and irresponsible, and he sounds like he's grasping for any excuse he can come up with. This indicates that he has stopped thinking, and what passes for his thought processes are under the control of his feelings, which (being inherently irrational) are not up to the task. This is "the fog".<P>Read about Plan A, and find <I>lots</I> of support for <I>you</I>. You're going to need it, because this is an unimaginably difficult road you're on. It's good that you have strong family relationships. Use them.<P>One of the most important things for me was to get some understanding of what was happening to my wife psychologically. This gave me tremendous empathy, which defused a lot of the negative feelings that I would otherwise have had to contend with. You want to avoid thinking of your husband as the enemy.<BR>

Welcome <B>HopelessinAZ</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thanks for the words. I was feeling real low about the whole thing last night. Called H this morning to ask how we had gotten to talk of actual divorcing so quickly when he had indicated to me earlier that what he thought we should do was make our marriage work. I think I may have pushed the panic button a drove our conversation to talk of calling it quits. <P>We spoke very calmly and frankly when he got home. I had asked that we at least slow things down and really examine the problem(s). He agreed. I did not come out and say the C word as he is not real comfortable with that idea but hope he will come around and be open to the possibilty. His job requires travel 5 days a week 52 weeks a year. We have addressed this as a definite problem. <P>As a side note: Do any of you guys out there think that we could be dealing with some type of mid life crisis type issues? Disatifaction about career, some resentment to being tied down to family, leaving the game of golf which he played religiously for 25 years to take up triathalons, buying the nice sports car. Just a thought.<P>Will start a plan A as well.<P>Thanks again.<P>

Hi there,<P>to answer your question 'where do I go from here' - the only way in the beginning is down. This is where this road will take you, because of your H's choices. BUT, you will have friends here who will help you, And there will be roads that take you 'up' too.<P>I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I don't know what happens to our spouses. One thing you will quickly realise from being here is that you are not alone. There are so many others here just like you and me. That to me was a saving grace. I felt like I was the only one in the whole wide world who was going through this when it all started for me.<P>If I may just say one thing - that I have learnt from painful experience, - try not to lose your temper or your patience. I did so many times, and when I look back, I regret it all. If you read any of the successful posts over at Recovery, all the betrayed spouses (BS) remained loving and supportive. Even in the face of incredible pain and adversity. I admire every single one of them, and every day I try to be a bit more like them.<P>Please do something nice for you at this time. Have your nails done, or your hair, or a massage. But do something nice for yourself. You need it and deserve it.<P>take care of you and your babies, and remember, we're all here for you.<P>big hugs for you<P>Jo

Thanks for the advice Bonnet.<P>I learned from our earlier problems that anger was no solution. It was only my own attempt to inflict pain. My H does not respond at all to anger so I am very aware of that in dealing with him. We have never been the types to engage in shouting matches anyway so I think I have that aspect in perspective. I will use the forum to vent!!