This is embarassing to write but I'm so lost. <P>I am recently married and very suddenly my H made it clear that all his money was his and that my income was just enough to support myself. No savings would belong to me. To this end he has written me two "hate" notes. The notes literally say, "I hate you." They are full of accusations calling me a thief, a parasite,etc.<P>Prior to marriage we discussed finances and made plans on where and how we would live in order to save for the home we really want. And I have stuck to those plans. I budget our food, cook all meals, and live very frugally in a small apartment. <P>But, as the savings have grown he is writing $10,000 checks purchasng stocks out of our joint account. I mentioned that I wanted some input into these decisions and that's when the poop hit the fan and the notes started. One note was delivered by waking me up at 2:30 in the morning and throwing it at me.<P>Yes, he does make a lot more money than I do. But that was always known by him and did not come up in our rather elaborate financial planning. I have done NOTHING irresponsible in the finance department, ever. I did not marry him for money. I know that legally, it is all half mine. Right now legal is not the issue.<P>He stands by those notes. He has never apologized and feels quite justifed in what he wrote. I suppose he feels I am now "informed."<P>From my stand point I have totally emotionally withdrawn from him and at times just the sight of him makes me sick.<P>I have read this site and it all makes too much sense. Yet, I am stumped or stuck. I don't know how to get around not only the hate notes but the entire attitude and the complete reversal of what we had agreed upon at the start of the marriage. It's about or over money but it's so much more. I feel like a child, I feel used, worthless, so hurt.<P>It's been two months since the last note. At the time it was thrown in my face I read it and jumped out of bed just screaming - F YOU !<P>I used to make love with him as many times in a day as I could, that stopped right then. I barely talk to him and refuse to be personal with him. I will not sit at a table and eat with him. <P>Why do I write tonite? Because after two months, tonite I told him I think he is an abusive d_ck. Honest, he asked me why the heck I felt that way! I said two words, "hate notes". He promptly retreated from the room and was snoring away 5 minutes later.<P>Apparently this is all okay with him. As long as I know all the money is his, as far as he is concerned those notes are a fine thing.<P>I just have no idea, no plan A,B or C or anything to deal with this. I loved him so much and what we had was so good, until this.<BR>I can't fathom why he would destroy this marriage and my soul over money. It's beyond selfish immaturity, it's totally mental ill and abusive. <P>If you botherd to read this far, thanks. If you have a suggestions, please oh please type away.<P>The Parasite Hated Wife

You are not a parasite,<P> How long have you been married? Do you suspect H is having an A?<P> Are you controlling the money? Is he?<P> This is very odd. Is H a controlling person? Need more info<P> But yes, It sounds very cruel. My H also runs away during conflict, and goes right to sleep. Isn't it annoying?<P> I am sorry. We have all been treated cruely<BR>here, and we know how it feels. In fact I am sure I have treated my H cruely at one time or another during our 20 year marriage. But there is usually an explanation for it. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Deb

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

While <B>there is no excuse</B>, there are explanations. You've seen some of them here.<P>What you thought was well understood prior to the marriage may have been <I>well misunderstood</I>. By both of you. <P>It goes without saying that this could wreck your marriage. <P>If I had to guess why you got "hate notes", I would say that unintentionally, your openings of discussions about the money situation had a "harsh startup". You must realize that he will emotionally "flood" much faster and more easily than you will. When his heart rate exceeds 95 bpm, he <I>can't</I> maintain an intelligent, civil, discussion with you. A 1/2 hour break is called for. <P>I don't think you need to be a <I>Surrendered Wife</I> in order to make this marriage work. What you do need is a way to get back into dialogue. And you must realize that not all the changes were <I>his</I> the day after you said <I>I do</I>. You are suddenly or gradually much more <I>proprietary</I> about domains that were once exclusively his. He hasn't adjusted. His bad. But he's less skilled, less <I>emotinoally intelligent</I>, so it's your choice whether to blame him for what he doesn't have, or get on board with the idea that you will handle him as gingerly as you would a wounded animal.<P>If I were in your shoes, I would get a funny card, perhaps even an "apology" card. I would write in it something like this: "I'm so tired of us being angry at each other. I want it to go back to the way we were. But I fear that we had a great misunderstanding about how we were going to handle finances as a couple. I thought I had been let in, but it seems I hadn't. It's important that we both understand that things work differently than when we were alone. I thought we were saving for a house together. What worries me is that the stock market has done some very unexpected and bad things, and I think maybe things are not as good right now for you as they used to be. I hope you don't think that I am going to be upset if a lot has gone wrong. I think probably everybody lost some money. Even if things are so tangled you don't know where you're at, we can start to look at it together. At least then you'll realize that my greatest need is not for you to have money, or make money, but for us to be intimate, with me included in things and not outside in the cold."<P>Of course, you're going to write this your way. If you still care after what he's already put you through.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hated_Wife:<BR><B>The notes literally say, "I hate you." They are full of accusations calling me a thief, a parasite,etc.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Could you reproduce them here? So that we can see what might be there ... sometimes there is something other than hate (some stray bit of information you can use to start the healing process), and we need to see if that's the case.

Money is often a way of exerting control. So is verbal abuse. Take the two together and you have a really good indication that this is not just about how his stocks are doing. The fact that his behavior started as soon as the marriage started is also not a good sign, nor is the fact that your feelins are irrelevant to him.<P>You have very little time invested in the marriage at this point, you don't yet have kids or a home together. I would strongly consider how you feel about being married to this man. If you think the marriage is worth saving, insist on couples counseling. If he will agree & really work at it great, but if not, I (personally) would leave...<P>Kathi

Think Hanora may have been very close to the truth and your husband may have lost his shirt in the investments and now is trying ease his guilt by making you the scapegoat.<P>My only words of advice to you are watch the temper. Angry words are just that and are never productive. The only effect they are likely to have is to push your husband further away from you and possibly into the arms of a woman with a more sympathetic ear.<BR>Look what his anger towards you did to your feelings for him. <P>"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you". <P>

Thank you all for the replies. It really did help just to finally tell this to someone.<P>2ndChoice: I really don't think of myself as a parasite. The label(s) any other person sticks on me do not define me in any way. Although it sure does piss me off!<P>We've been married almost a year and a half. I do not suspect infidelity at all on his part and I know for sure it's not an answer for me. <P>I would not define my H a controller. I am the one who writes out the monthly bills. I file the bank statements, etc and nothing is hidden from me. And, as I said before he can easily grab the check book and write these checks for stocks. I just looked today and instead of writing large (obvious) checks he has started writing them for smaller amounts like $1000 so that I am less likely to notice.<P>Cruel is a good word here. Since POJA didn't work with him, Plan A didn't work, sort of Plan B didn't work, I have made a concerted effort to love bust and be cruel all this week. His reacton is to avoid my snippy remarks - no reply, just silence. He mentioned something - I don't remember what - but my reply was "I don't really care, just put it in a hate note and I'll add it to my collection."<P>Hanora: The stocks are doing okay, but I hear what you're saying. Right about now I wish the market would crash and it would all be gone.<P>Sisyphus: You scare me dude. Right now this marriage is my rock and I'm getting real tired. This could kill this marriage because I won't be treated this way. I will leave if this situation is not changed to my liking.<P>I am listening to all of the suggestions here. I think I opened this can of worms with a simple "hey, do I get any say in the stocks that are purchased?"<P>I did write him a note before, but got NO response. But, I think I will do that yet again.<P>If I get a chance I will reproduce one of his notes here. One thing I pick up in the notes is the fact that his earnings are so much more than mine that he is capable of doing many things I am not, financially. So basically I can stick with him for his ride but the money I make and contribute just covers my living expenses.<P>In my attempts to discuss this with him I have asked him if the house would then be all his? He said of course not, it would be half yours, but I am to pay for half of everything. The conversation degraded from there as his own stupid logic frustrates him when he realizes what he is saying makes no sense.<P>Kam6318: Your post is like me talking to myself. I think my next note will include the request for therapy. I am trying to stick with this marriage, hoping we didn't start with some huge misunderstanding and him thinking that these notes are normal, acceptable and somehow constitute a written financial agreement between us. I am not a kid (40) and this is a second marriage. I really want this to work.<P>Hopeless: Yours is the advice I did not follow this week even though it is so true. I have been silent long enough. This Plan A thing is tough when you are waiting for someone to come to their senses. This week I am the queen o' lovebustin and I am hoping he gets the message I am MAD and HURT and he better retract those notes if he wants this marriage!<P>This week I'll keep my mouth shut and write my note.(Sisyphus I like some of your stuff) <P>Thanks again to all of you. I'll let you all know how it goes.<P>HW

As a stock trader myself, it is very easy to lose alot of money. I have lost the equivalent of 9 months salary more than once, and it requires alot of emotional control to stop at that point, re-evaluate the mistake, and to get back on the correct trading mentality.<P>Now my XW didn't understand what i was doing, and although i asked her to participate in understanding, she did not and knows nothing about what i do. This actually worked well because i was soley responsible for the decisions and the outcome.<P><B> However, </B> she had total access to the accounts, passwords, account numbers, tax returns, quicken statements, etc. I encouraged that. if your H does not want<BR>accountability for you to see the account statements, then there is no trust. He is hiding something. i would understand not wanting to share decision making abilities, but accounts and goals should be shared and discussed, as well as account balances.<P>In other words, what sound money management techniques is he using? Right now the markets are not favorable to long positions, and it is in the process of taking back all the gains from the weak hands. So if he is trying to go long, he has to be very, very good at stock picking. <P>Although your marriage is a second, and is young, I would be very careful, and start frank discussions immediately. start with generalizations of goals and techniques, not specifics about individual trades. And I agree with Kathi (kam) if you don't get very far with him and soon, you need legal protection, you can put a restraining order on the joint account, etc. but i would not allow yourself to get trpped into feeling that you have no other options, we all have options, all the time.<P>We just don't like to admit mistakes to ourselves and others when situations are what they appeared or we have unfulfilled expectations.<P>best of luck<P>WIFTTy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hated_Wife:<BR><B>I just looked today and instead of writing large (obvious) checks he has started writing them for smaller amounts like $1000 so that I am less likely to notice.<P>Cruel is a good word here. His reacton is to avoid my snippy remarks - no reply, just silence. He mentioned something - I don't remember what - but my reply was "I don't really care, just put it in a hate note and I'll add it to my collection."<P>You scare me dude.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>$1,000 checks escape notice? I sure wish I had a financial picture that allowed that to happen!<P><B><I>Don't be cruel!</I></B> When you are saying these things to H, he is <I>desperately</I> trying to keep from <B>flooding</B>, and what you assume is him ignoring you with hostility is actually him <I>self soothing</I>. The inner monologue is something like "Don't say anything to set her off, don't make it worse, it'll be OK, just take what she has to say and don't fight back, don't show any expression, let it rest." It's the same response he would use if he were being mauled by a bear. Because emotionally, that is what he feels is happening to him. <P>I'm not sure how you can get what you want. But that sure <I>isn't</I> the way.<P>Take your anger somewhere else and expend it where it doesn't <I>hurt</I> anyone.<P>By the way, why do I <I>scare</I> you? This is all in the Gottman marriage books. He's the guy who researches by locking couples in a suite for a weekend and monitoring <I>everything</I> about them (including EKG, pulse, respiration, and stress hormones in their urine) continually.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 26, 2001).]