I can barely admit this, but I have been coexisting with my wife for over 3 years. She wants no resolution. Why do I stay? Because I am so fearful she will take our 6 year old daughter from me. She did it 4 years ago and it was the most painful experience of my life. What do I do now? I can't live like this. The child is getting older and is asking more questions. How can I get over the hump? I have been to counseling. My wife wouldn't go. There is no hope at this point and I want out.<P>Your thoughts?<P>------------------<BR>unlucky

We need more detail ... is this a pattern the both of you fell into, or has she made clear that you are together only for the kids? Are you sure there's no affair--perhaps not physical, just emotional? What do you do in your spare time? What does she do? Would she attend a weekend marital workshop instead of making any long-term commitment to counseling? Do you do anything (like drinking) that is making the situation worse? Does she? Are you open to discussing matters on a deep level, even if they're disturbing to you, or do you "flood" and have to stop, never getting started again?

As the father of the child you do have rights, no she cant take your child away and you not get to see the kid anymore. Before you leave contact a lawyer regarding your fear of not getting to see your child. Why dont you go for custody? Truly do go see an attorney, you do have rights and you do need to be informed of them.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Unluckyinlove:<BR><B>I can barely admit this, but I have been coexisting with my wife for over 3 years. She wants no resolution. Why do I stay? Because I am so fearful she will take our 6 year old daughter from me. She did it 4 years ago and it was the most painful experience of my life. What do I do now? I can't live like this. The child is getting older and is asking more questions. How can I get over the hump? I have been to counseling. My wife wouldn't go. There is no hope at this point and I want out.<P>Your thoughts?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, there is no drinking or drugs involved. Yes, I do have proof she is cheating on me with a guy that lives on the east coast. We live in the south. I am $20,000 in debt and have consolidated credit cards to clean this debt up. My fear is that I won't have enough money to fight this battle if necessary. I don't know for sure what she will do. As I told you in the previous posting, she took off with our child several years ago for 9 months. She left no notice she was leaving.<P>It tore my heart away and the past experience has given me some anxieties I have not been able to overcome.<P>The wounds are too deep and she is not willing to go to counseling. My only hope now is that she will leave.<P>I do need to meet with a lawyer soon. That will be my first step I suppose. Why am I staying? I also have feelings for someone else. This relationship is new. It just happened a couple of months ago. (my wife and I have been coexisting for 3+ years) and I have not been with anyone else.<P>Confused.<P><P>------------------<BR>unlucky

First step before going to a lawyer..is get yourself into counseling..start with working on yourself and your self-esteem issues..<BR>(and yes, your insecurity about her leaving spills out) it's like your nothing without her..and that isn't good..you need to have your own identity as a person..not just a husband and father..but YOU..what are your needs? what do you like to do? do you do things together? do you have friends that you do things with? like do you have guy friends who you go out w/ twice a month and have fun?<BR>or meet for breakfast? do you ask your wife out on dates to where the two of you do things together? but in all sincerity..get into counseling for yourself..and work on your self-esteem...and don't be so afraid <BR>that you hold on so tight that you try and control everything she does..that will push her away even faster..<P>treat her with respect, and kindness, and love..show her you love her..don't just say it with words..not saying buy her everything..but show her by your actions by making time for just the two of you to go out and have fun together..and make time for family things..do fun things with your daughter..learn to play with her..and be a dad and not just a father..<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Unluckyinlove:<BR><B>I am $20,000 in debt and have consolidated credit cards to clean this debt up.<P>My only hope now is that she will leave.<P>I do need to meet with a lawyer soon. That will be my first step I suppose. Why am I staying? I also have feelings for someone else. This relationship is new.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That new relationship is just plain dumb. You need to put the kibosh on it and never see that person again.<P>Second, stay away from the lawyer. You have nothing in your marriage that is a danger to you or your child. You have a <I>challenge</I> in that affair you suspect (without photos or admissions, what do you <I>really</I> have in the way of proof?). Assume for the moment that it's just an <I>Emotional Attachment</I>. But even if not, it didn't happen in a vacuum. You must recognize your own contribution to your marital woes. Your child deserves to grow up in a whole and stable household. If she later learns that her parents overcame significant relationship problems to rediscover their love for one another, that would be a great example for her in later life.<P>Read about <I>Plan A</I> on its forum on this board and start it. Today. <P>$20,000 in debt can be a hangnail or a heart attack, depending on income and spending habits. But I would suggest focusing on lowering your expenses and upping your income--take on extra work or a second job or a low-overhead sideline. Consumer Credit Counseling or Debtors' Anonymous may be needed. Chapter 13 bankruptcy should be a last resort.

Thanks for the feedback.<P>I have proof. I have copied a video tape of my wife's friend telling her many intimate things. I have plane tickets of hers to NY. I have letters she has written to him telling him the only reason she is able to survive is because she knows they will be together soon. She leaves every other weekend and does not tell me where she is going. No phone numbers. No way to get ahold of her. She is on the internet every night . I have tried to get her into counseling with me and you are telling me that I should stay in this? Doesn't seem like this is salvagable since she doesn't want any part in it. We were married when we were 21. Had a baby when we were 25. She doesn't even know how to raise this child. It is a horrible situation. How could she leave this child every other weekend?<P>Thanks for listening. Feeling hopeless. I feel I still need out.<P>------------------<BR>unlucky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Unluckyinlove:<BR><B>I have tried to get her into counseling with me and you are telling me that I should stay in this? Doesn't seem like this is salvagable since she doesn't want any part in it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is like any other obstacle in life. The question is how badly you want to overcome it. People <I>have</I> saved marriages that are in <I>worse</I> shape. Have you confronted her about the affair? The longer it has any shred of denaibility, the more damage it can do. Assume that since she has not bolted with the child, there is a reason that the affair has not gone that route, regardless of what she says. <P>I'd say it's time to pick up your credit card and call the Harleys, with as much of your story as you can write on a page in front of you. Write it in newspaper style--the who what when where and why in "inverted pyramid" format (meaning the most key facts first). <P>You apparently had some comfort or inertia when this was going on--perhaps from timidity toward your wife. And only now when a new relationship for you is on the horizon ... only now do you start to get it in your mind to <I>do something</I>. And the thing you want to do is the thing that will leave your daughter with a <I>broken home</I>? <P>Plus, where is all this credit card debt coming from? Have you been <I>financing</I> your wife's dalliance? Please tell me no!<P>You both have a lot to answer for. Let your newly found feelings for someone outside your marrige be a sign to you of how unhappy your wife had been for so long. It takes two special people to raise a daughter. You probably <I>really are</I> two special people. You just need to rediscover that about each other. There are ways to do that. The Harleys can give you some of them. Or gottman.com, pairs.com, or retrouvaille.org . Whatever you decide, you can come back here, too. <P>

<BR>ULIL,<P>Your marriage can be saved, and I think that's the best route here. However, if you have valid reasons to believe that she may leave with the child, you should probably see a lawyer and have the lawyer draw up an emergency motion for temporary custody. The courts used to nod and wink and women taking the kid(s) and running, but they really frown on that stuff now. If she takes the kid and runs, have your lawyer file the emergency motion for temporary custody. Once that's signed, call the police and report her for kidnapping.<P>Bystander

Thanks to all of you who have contributed to this topic.<P>I agree, I need a lawyer first and foremost. This may clear up some of the anxieties I have been facing.<P>Second, I need to find out if this marriage is salvagable or on it's way out. <P>Please pray that my daughter understands which direction we take. She is still young, and is understanding more and more everyday.<P>Again, thanks for all your thoughts. I pray I do the right thing.