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Most of my story is over in General Questions. I won't rehash it, but spouse had an affair with a sicko she had a prior relationship with. I found out 3 months ago, tried to Plan A. WS supposedly quit the A over 2 months ago. I don't care - I refuse to get over it, can't be done - too much water OVER that bridge, and plan on moving out Friday for a "trial separation". Kids are 14 and 5 - how and what to tell. Please, don't try to talk me out of leaving. I'm at the end of my rope and ready to move on, but need help with the kids issue.<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>BradTheDad

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Tell the kids nothing. Since there's no excuse for what you're doing, don't even try to offer any. Just move out and move on. They're better off with the sicko living in your house.

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Whoa! Take it easy on the sarcasm, there. I didn't ask for my WS to do this to me. I've tried to get over it and can't. You can't make me the bad person because of what's happened to me. I'm the victim of her adulterous ways, not the cause, SAA be damned. Read my story in General Questions and try to relax a bit.

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hey brad....<P>good to see you again.....I'm usually over in recovery or emotional needs...<P>sorry to hear life has not turned around in the direction you hoped it would...sorry that sicko is still around....sorrier to hear that Noel and your marriage are not what you will be working on...<P>don't take responses too personally either...obviously someone is pissing in peoples' cornflakes today.. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] there is one hell of a rude response on Flymsyex's post too....<P>maybe it's a moon-phase...lol<P>tried calling, but you're not home... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>don't re-hash, but what the heck happened?...<P>you posted, it was a nightmare, but then you disappeared, with no updates...<P>thinking of you...<P>and trying to NOT judge your actions...but am saddened...<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

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Yep, that was sarcasm (rechecked my Webster's), but I thought of it as being exceedingly blunt. <P>The math here is not subtle:<BR>kids + ((wayward spouse - other man) - betrayed spouse) = two wrongs don't make a right<P>Plan A is generally thougth to be a six-month commitment. Find a live human being to vent to. Do some venting. You <B><I>can</I></B> hang in there. Don't open the door for sicko to be around your kids. <P>There should be psychiatric help around. You need more than you're getting. The Effexor may have quit on you -- it could be time to rotate.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 20, 2001).]

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Now there is no sense in slamming you, however, maybe you could put the Reader's Digest version here so that we can know what you are talking about. Or at least a link to your story over in GQ?<P>Here is my take from the limited information I have:<P>If the mom is the WS, and she continues, or yoy can't get over it, why are you the one to leave? IMHO, all other things being equal, the WS should lose custody. Why are you willing to give up on your children so soon?<P>Even if your spouse does not deserve this work, your children do.<P>Just my $.02

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Hope I didn't react too strongly to Syphillis or whoever, but that's the bag of crap that WS has been feeding me lately and I'm tired of it, frankly. Besides, I don't come here to be judged - I can get that at home, unfortunately. Here's basically what's gone down since I last posted in GQII (mid-Dec). Holidays were terrible. Keep in mind that after I audio-taped her and OP, I was ready to leave IMMEDIATELY. She PROMISED to quit the A and I continued to stay at home. We even were intimate - old habits die hard. Yeah, I quit posting around December just because it seemed fruitless, just like counseling does. The self-realization that, "hey I married the wrong woman" kicked in around Christmas and hasn't let up since. I'm still on the anti-d's and my spirit has improved - I'm able to think clearly and make rational decisions. I am attracted to other women and just want to get this BAD period of my life behind me. Let's face it Syphillis, I can NEVER trust my WS after the damage that she's caused. In fact, the whole affair has made me realize that I will probably never trust ANYBODY again. It has made me doubt the existence of God, hell I've even pondered my sexual preference (homo or hetero? - pretty scary stuff) over the past 3 months. I'm still confused. As far as the kids go, it's not like life at the ol BradTheDad household has been a bed of roses for all involved for the last 3 months. They know, the whole town knows and things would be best served if we separated. I will see my kids - it's not like I will abandon them. The thing is, I've been unselfish to a fault since I was 17 years old and now that I'm 31, I've got to do what's best for Brad for a change. If that means the possibility that scumbag helps raise my kids with my WS, so be it. I will influence them more, I PROMISE. Sorry if I sound a bit cynical, but I'm not to blame here and just as you can't get blood from a stone, if the love is gone (which mine is for WS), you can't stay "for the children". Especially when you're arguing at all hours of the night and the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife.<P>Bring on the advice, withhold the judgements, please....<P><BR>Brad

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BradTheDad:<BR><B>In fact, the whole affair has made me realize that I will probably never trust ANYBODY again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>These aren't healthy thoughts. If you're thinking one thing that's <B>way</B> out of line, it's time to suspect yourself regarding other things you're thinking.<P>Nobody says you haven't been badly hurt. Nobody blames you for feeling as you do. But <I>acting</I> precipitously on such feelings? That's wrong.<P>If you're still arguing at all hours of the night and angry, you're far from done. You'll feel very little when you're actually done.<P>You have locked into feelings that don't serve you well. If you heal your marriage, you won't be "staying together for the children". No one is certain you two can do it. But how much of a try have you <I>really</I> given it? And if you aren't ready to give your forgiveness when some showing is made by your wife (she may have already made a sufficient showing, none of us know the truth), you <I>are</I> also in the wrong.<P>I'd say pairs.com, retrouvaille.org, gottman.com or the like might have a weekend seminar, or even something longer, that might help you and your wife. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 20, 2001).]

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Sisyphus - I'm a mathematician - trust me, you have a couple of MAJOR flaws in your equation. Mainly Brad + WS = Unhappy Brad Notice that this equation does not have kids in it. Point being, if I stay with my WS, I can not be happy (or sane), thus I'm not a real good daddy. But if the equation becomes this Brad - WS = Road to Recovery + sane daddy<P>grandpabri - yeah, she should be the one to leave, but that ain't happening. The house is my parents, but we'll sort that stuff out later.... As far as full custody goes, WS has agreed that if we divorce, we will have split custody. That is, I will have the kids half of the time and she will have them half of the time. I would sleep on the couch until they turn 18 before I fall for the "Every Wednesday, every other weekend" deal that most dads get. Besides, WS is too lazy to keep the kids that often, anyway.<P><BR>Here are the most informative links to my ugly story....<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006589.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006589.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006597.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006597.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006641.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006641.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006717.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006717.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006753.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006753.html</A> <P>See ya tonight,<BR>Brad<P>

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Now, I know you are hurting. I won't try to talk you out of what you are doing. You seem to have your mind made up, and it does not seem that anything that is said can change it. However, one statement seems to be right out of the WS handbook:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The thing is, I've been unselfish to a fault since I was 17 years old and now that I'm 31, I've got to do what's best for Brad for a change. If that means the possibility that scumbag helps raise my kids with my WS, so be it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IMHO, WRONG!!!!! When you decided to have children, you signed up for the long haul. Sorry you don't feel all lovey-dovey right now. Get over it. Your children deserve your best efforts. Not "I have to do what is best for me."<P>Also:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will influence them more, I PROMISE.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No you won't. I have been an NCP for 15 years, and a CP for 1 1/2. So I can see both sides of the issue. You will never have as much influence on your children seeing them only part time as you will full time. Won't happen. Take my word for it.<P>Just as an aside, do you really think that either of you will hold to your before separation agreements once you get into the divorce system? Everyone I have talked to says that they will, and I have yet to see one that follows through.<P>JMHO.<P>Good Luck. You'll need it.

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Brad,<P>My recommendation is to talk to the children if you decide to leave. Also remember this depending on what this guy has been in jail for and how he as acted before, you may stand a very good chance of removing the children from your WS and OM's supervision.<P>I presume that your W is still trying to rebuild or have you recently caught her back with OM again? If she is trying, tell the children that you love them, but you need to take a "vacation" to solve some problems. Tell them that you will see them often and that you will be there for them. Make sure they know how to reach you and have them call you, frequently.<P>Hope this sparks some thoughts on your part.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by BradTheDad:<BR><B>Point being, if I stay with my WS, I can not be happy (or sane), thus I'm not a real good daddy. But if the equation becomes this Brad - WS = Road to Recovery + sane daddy</B><P>Hi Brad,<P>I remember your story well, and I am glad to see you post again. And I am sorry for your initial reception, there seems to be a mini-epidemic of rudeness and bad advice going around here.<P>I don't think anyone can get over a betrayal like yours right away. And I'm sure some never can. But are you really ready to give up? <P>Did your W break off all contact with the OM? <P>Is she contrite?<P>Have you considered relocating to get far away from the OM?<P>Are you TRULY ready for the possibility that if you leave your W will be thrown back in with this creep, and he will be raising your kids?<P>How has your W reacted to you moving out?<P>Remember, if she did break off the affair, this period will be one in which she is recovering and probably doesn't have a lot to offer in terms of being a good mate. Onceshe breaks out of the fog, she will be very appreciative opf you hanging in there.<P>If you hang in there [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My thoughts are with you. And while the board is doing a little USENET imitation, try to focus on the useful input.<P>Mike<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited February 20, 2001).]

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Well, Brad, I did follow your story, even posted a few things if I recall. From what I recall you were a pretty devoted, honest dad who was trying to save his family. <P>Now you seem like a bitter, angry dad who couldn't care less about his family. Here's the quote that is so telling:<P>"The thing is, I've been unselfish to a fault since I was 17 years old and now that I'm 31, I've got to do what's best for Brad for a change. If that means the possibility that scumbag helps raise my kids with my WS, so be it. I will influence them more, I PROMISE."<P>Have you really changed that much? I know how you feel about being unselfish...I've been that way throughout my EX's affair, our separation, and divorce last week. What I've realized (and you've missed) is that this doesn't change ME. I'm still the "nice guy" I always was, she just never got the clue. I'm still out to set a good example for my D, despite the fact that her mom is a lying cheater.<P>Brad, your anger has clouded your judgement regarding your children. That is not a good thing. Alright, so you don't love your W anymore (or you don't think you do, right now, in your bitter and angry state), so why should that impact your kids? I'm not saying "stay in it for the kids," but don't give in to the scumbag! Separation may be the best thing for you right now, but a few months from now you may be re-thinking your actions spawned in bitterness and hate. <P>The other quote that made me pause was:<P>"I don't care - I refuse to get over it, can't be done..."<P>That's just the point. You REFUSE to get over it. So you're going to carry your anger for the rest of your life? That's not healthy and you know it.<P>Lets do some more math:<P>Bitter Brad Leaves+Scumbag Comes Back+Brad Angry at Scumbag and WS for Next 10 years=Brad with Ulcers and Depression.<P>Brad Refuses to Forgive WS+Something Terrible Happens to WS=Brad Unable to Forgive Self for Selfish Feelings & Can't Live Normal Life.<P>Brad Who Hates Mom+Kids Who Love Mom=Brad Who Doesn't Look So Hot to Kids.<P><BR>Brad, I'm not trying to judge you or talk you out of leaving, but leave slowly if you must leave. Separation first, then see where you are. Get some different counseling, since it looks like the current counselor ain't doing their job. Take it easy and slow, and don't make any decisions right away regarding divorce. I can tell you from personal experience that divorce ain't a walk in the park, either.<P>Look at what you're saying, Brad. As a mathemetician, you have an analytical mind, right? Look at these statements, and tell me what you think:<P>"I'm still on the anti-d's and my spirit has improved -"<P>vs<P>"I can NEVER trust my WS after the damage that she's caused. In fact, the whole affair has made me realize that I will probably never trust ANYBODY again. It has made me doubt the existence of God..."<P>You've improved??? Then:<P>"I'm able to think clearly and make rational decisions."<P>vs<P>"I'm still confused..."<P>Finally:<P>"I am attracted to other women and just want to get this BAD period of my life behind me."<P>vs<P>"...hell I've even pondered my sexual preference..."<P>All these from the same paragraph! I'm not trying to slam you Brad, I'm just asking: Objectively, do you sound rational?<P>

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Oh boy. I didn't realize the firestorm that I was getting myself into here with such a simple question (how to tell the kids). I know many of you have been through difficult situations as the BS/WS. My situation has been SO hard, though. I have feared this scumbag for EVERY day of my adult life. That's 13 years, for those keeping track. And then my wife sleeps with him? And I'm supposed to try and fix my marriage? The whole affair and the subsequent sub-plots (my WS has dropped a couple of BOMBS from her past on me - not sure if they are true or not) has just convinced me that our marriage was a sham. She waited 13 years to tell me these HARSH things about her past? And that's a sign of a marriage worth saving? I won't get into our long-ago history, but suffice it to say, I wasn't ready to get married at such a young age (22). WS wanted to get married so daughter would have a father to put down on sheet in kindergarten. I was too weak to resist her marital overtures. Our engagement was weak (no down on my knees or the like, etc.); of course she had to have the full-blown dream-wedding. But we talked divorce the first month of our marriage! Our communication has always sucked. She satisfies one, maybe two of my emotional needs. We've ZILCH in common. Our sex is good - that's the strentgh of our relationship, I'd say. But how would I know really? I never had the chance to "play". I think to myself, how did I last this long. But since this has happened, my eyes are open as to how unhappy I have really been, but too busy to realize. I'm a happening dude - I can be treated well and find a mate that I'm compatible with. Now for some responses to you guys and gals....<P>grandpabri - Why are you willing to give up on your children so soon?<P>Even if your spouse does not deserve this work, your children do.<P>I AM NOT GIVING UP ON MY KIDS. WS keeps saying that. The environment at home is not healthy right now for anyone. I will have my children at least half of the time, and will influence them accordingly. Granted not the ideal situation, but I've got to make lemonade out of the lemons that I have...<P>Just as an aside, do you really think that either of you will hold to your before separation agreements once you get into the divorce system? Everyone I have talked to says that they will, and I have yet to see one that follows through.<P>I won't sign divorce papers unless I get what I want. It's that simple...<P>Sisyphus-<BR>Originally posted by BradTheDad:<BR>In fact, the whole affair has made me realize that I will probably never trust ANYBODY again.<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>These aren't healthy thoughts. If you're thinking one thing that's way out of line, it's time to suspect yourself regarding other things you're thinking.<P><BR>I don't see what is wrong with me not trusting anyone again. That's a bad quality? After being hurt as i have been, I'm supposed to trust people again? Not for a while partner....<P>But acting precipitously on such feelings? That's wrong.<P>I don't think waiting 3 months is "acting precipitously". Face it, the majority of uncovered affairs IMMEDIATELY terminate relationships.<P><BR>Mike C2 - Did your W break off all contact with the OM?<P>Yes, she says, BUT I DON'T CARE. I don't snoop, I could care less if she dorks him twice a day every day. I know she's slept with him and that's all that matters. <P>Is she contrite?<P>VERY - she wants me back at all costs and is willing to do "whatever it takes". So I guess leaving is all "on me".<P>Have you considered relocating to get far away from the OM?<P>Not an option.<P>Are you TRULY ready for the possibility that if you leave your W will be thrown back in with this creep, and he will be raising your kids?<P>Won't happen. I will have a restraining order slapped on him. Remember it's my house. She can fulfill her selfish desires at his place/motel. He's moved on to his next conquest anyway.<P>How has your W reacted to you moving out?<P>Crying all the time, apologetic, etc.<P>cjack - Well, Brad, I did follow your story, even posted a few things if I recall. From what I recall you were a pretty devoted, honest dad who was trying to save his family. <BR>Now you seem like a bitter, angry dad who couldn't care less about his family. <P><BR>I took your response hard. You really helped me back in Nov/Dec. I'm the same old dad, I just can't be happy living with my kids' mom anymore. I still care about my kids tremendously.<P> The other quote that made me pause was:<P>"I don't care - I refuse to get over it, can't be done..."<P>That's just the point. You REFUSE to get over it. So you're going to carry your anger for the rest of your life? That's not healthy and you know it.<P>That's right, I may carry this anger to my grave. After all, I haven't stopped my hatred for scumbag the last 13 years. EVERYDAY for the last 13 years I have feared for my family's well-being because that scum was still breathing air. EVERY DAY. You're right, it's not healthy and I know it. I can't get over it though. Yeah, I'm not exactly rational in some of my thoughts. BUT THAT's MY POINT!!!!!!!! I am so tired of twisting in the wind and being ambivalent to the point of insanity that i have to do what's best for me. The "trial separation" is going to occur while I'm house sitting for my parents, so it may not even work. I've got to give it a shot though.<P><BR>I will be online later tonight.<P><BR>Brad<P><BR>

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Brad:<P>Defy the odds.<P>Master your feelings.<P>Don't let sicko win (or <B><I>in</I></B>).<P><B><I>You</I></B> are more than your <I>feelings</I>. <P>If you must go house-sit, do it with the expectation that while your wife is not there every day to be a living reminder of her sin, you will ask God to take away from you these emotions that are no longer appropriate to a married man who loves his spouse, no matter what her wrongs. Tell her you are not doing it as a trial separation, but as a time of reflection for yourself so that, God willing, you will come back to her with a better sense of forgiveness in your heart. She continues to punish herself. And it's likely she has been punished enough (and so have you).<P>You know what you are called on to do, you are simply, in your extreme pain, resistant to doing it. While you are alone in that empty house, you might do some screaming if no neighbors are likely to hear. But <I>don't</I> give up on your wife and marriage.<P>The idea that you can never trust anybody again is simply ludicrous. You cannot go through life that way, unless you want to be a dictator or a hermit. Your wife now knows the costs of what she did. Having blown it once, I would think that she would now be the most trustworthy spouse in the world. <P>I'm sorry that this happened to you. And believe me, I know the pain of runaway emotions that cry out for devastating retribution. I have been in the position of holding in my hand the power to end my ex-spouse's career in ignominious scandal. At least a part of what enabled me to resist was love. I <I>could not</I> take an action that was so destructive and which I could not undo. <P>Allow yourself to feel this, and to work your way through it. But also recognize that it really may be a problem with your meds. We are more slaves of our brain chemicals than we realize. Your anger is a natural stage of the process. Accept the challenge of feeling it but not acting on it, and by all means look into getting those meds changed. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 20, 2001).]

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OK. At the risk of further alienation, I will try one more time to get through to you. I am not trying to lsam you, but I don't think you are dealing with reality here.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I never had the chance to "play".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Typical wandering spousespeak. As a matter of fact, I heard something almost verbatium (sp?) from my stbx's mouth.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I won't sign divorce papers unless I get what I want. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wish it were that easy. You will find that you will have demands, and she will have demands, and the court will have rules and laws, and somehow, your children will get lost in all of this. You see, you really don't make the decision. Another thing I have tried to get through my stbx's thick skull. When you decide to go through a divorce, there are certain things you give up. One of them is the right to see your children whenever you want. The children become, in effect, wards of the court.<P>Let me give you an example from my own situation. At the time of our separation, we lived in Los Angeles. I was a graduate student and the stbx was a restaurant manager. Because of the stress of the separation, I became academically ineligible (read:flunked out). So I decided to move back home to San Diego, where both of us had grown up and where our families still live. I informed stbx that I would be moving, giving her 6 weeks notice and offering to pay her moving expenses should she decide to move back home also. She declined. Stayed up in LA.<P>So now between the two of us we drive over 3,000 miles per month to exercise visitation. That means the children are forced to make that drive. And this is what the judge decided. I won't bore you with the visitation schedule, but everyone I have shared it with think the judge was smoking crack that day. It is in no way in the best interest of my children.<P>So be careful what you want. You may get it. But the things you don't think about are the ones that will bite you in the a$$.<P>Good Luck<P>

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Hey Brad,<P>My head is still spinning from all the responses you got, which went everywhere EXCEPT for "how to tell the kids". <P>From what I understand, you need to be sure to explain to them that it is NOT their fault; that mom and dad love the kids very much, but that mom and dad can't live together right now. Tell them that mom and dad will continue to love the kids, but that they need to live apart (at least for a while). Keep reinforcing to them that it's not their fault, because kids inevitably start thinking that if only they loved mom or dad a bit better, or hugged them a little bit stronger, THEN this may not have transpired... You need to explain to them that this is mom and dad's problem.<P>Be sure to not point fingers at each other (as in "Dad stopped loving Mom" or "Mom screwed around", or what have you). Don't involve them into the details, including who was the one to decide to leave. As much as it hurts, try to make the planned living arrangements appear as an improvement for everyone involved.<P>I do have a lot of reservations about your planned actions, especially moving out without obtaining some kind of a custody agreement. You are really setting yourself up for being declared an uninvolved parent, or whatever the lingo is.<P>But, you didn't ask for our opinions on that, so I'll leave it be.<P>Good luck telling your kids; I've got to do the same soon...<P>AGG

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Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad!!<P>Take a breath. <P>In through the nose to the count of 4<BR>Hold for the count of 7<BR>Out through the mouth to the count of 8<P>Do it again.<BR>Again.<P>One more time for good measure and calmness. <P><BR>Okay. Do you feel a little bit better? Now, Brad, what people are saying here is not the message you are hearing. We absolutely know exactly what you are going through. I myself have been a BS and I am currently trying to reconcile with my WS. It's going wierd, but it's going, and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity that so many on this forum pray for. My H left me for a year and did every possible thing he could to toss me aside and make me feel like a leftover. BUT, he also had the courage to come to his senses. <P>Brad, what we are all trying to tell you here is that we TOTALLY understand your frustration and pain and anguish over this continuing situation. But, before you make a move that you will probably regret, please think ONE MORE TIME. If all else fails, and you just can't stand to think about it any more, then please at least just put it on "hold" and shift into neutral. <P>Here's why. If you move out and seperate from your wife, she will not be out of your life. The pain will not end, and the complications will not get smoother. If anything, it will get harder. Trust me, I'm serious. That's why we are advising you to go into "hold" if you can. Move into another bedroom, tell her you want to go into neutral for a while, whatever, but don't leave. Maybe even try an extended stay motel room for a week--just to get a breather and get your head back on your shoulders. <P>Here's the thing. You have an absolute right to be hurt, upset, frantic, and fed up beyond human tolerance. No doubt. All we're saying is that before you make such a life-altering change, make sure you are as objective and calm as you can be, and you just are not objective right now. <P>There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it is the MUCH harder road to return to a WS, forgive them, forgive yourself and try to build a marriage again. NO DOUBT. It would be so much easier to walk away...no, drive away into the sunset and never look back. It would be so much easier to just start over with someone new. But, Brad, please take our words of advice to you. We are telling you these things because we are trying to save you from MORE heartache. <P>For tonight, please go someplace where you can be quiet and think. Don't do anything just for tonight. Sit on the back porch, go for a walk, go to the park, go for a drive...whatever. And for tonight, I will review your entire history here on MB. Okay? That way, I can speak to your specific issues and what has happened to ya. And for tonight, while you are taking some time to go somewhere less stressful, please remember that I have been where you are. I know that there comes a time in your heart where you just feel like you can not take one more hurt without something of YOU dying. You're not alone, and your family does not have to end up split apart, but for tonight, you can't take it anymore. Do what you have GOT to do to take care of yourself, to get into a more objective frame of mind, to heal a few of your hurts, and just cruise for one more night. Okay?<P>See ya tomorrow, bright and squirrely [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>CJ<P> <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad!!<P>Take a breath.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Great post. Everybody (especially me) has been jumping down his throat and exhorting him to be morally strong, deny his feelings toward his wife for the sake of his kids, etc. <P>Instead, you've told him accurately and from experience that the road that is harder now ultimately becomes the easiest and best. Bravo!<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 20, 2001).]

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Hi All,<P>I suspect you are missing something that Brad is saying. This isn't as much about his W as about the OM and his relationship with Brad.<P>This apparently is not an affair between W and strange OM, or an affair with W and friend of Brad's. This was an affair with the man that he hates and apparently doesn't like Brad and his W knew it.<P>I have a feeling what is missing is that he feels he just lost the power struggle to a man he hates and has hated for over a decade and he is now only the booby prize.<P>So it seems to me that it is not just the issue of the W's affair that is at play here. It is that Brad is tired of 13 years of competition with the OM. A competition he feels he lost. Further, although W is now remorseful, he feels he will lose to OM anytime he deems it time to come take W away.<P>Further, there is the issue of the step daughter and how OM was brought back into her life.<P>So ladies and gentlemen, perhaps a bit more care should be taken in crafting the responses because I think they may be missing the mark and hurting the one they are intended to help.<P>You got my $0.02. I'm broke. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>God Bless,<P>JL<BR>

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