I haven't been able to post all weekend or on Monday. I had to pack up and move more stuff this weekend. It was very difficult to be in our house again, very upsetting!!! Anyhow he was nice but asked if I could be done at around 4:00. The job was pretty huge and I wasn't finished @ 4:00. My family and friends are pretty upset with what my husband has done and how shabbily I was/is treated, therefore it isn't like they wiped their feet!! Anyhow I thought I'd come back on my own and straighten up, but time flew. My husband has left some messages re: the condition of the house, like, you could have left me some of the good glasses-the kitchen floor is a mess, blah blah blah. Of course he then called to tell me how sorry he was and to take my time getting the rest of the stuff, don't worry, and don't exhaust yourself. <BR>I didn't post about this but, one night he called (it must have been after a heated fight with the OW), he told me not to call him anymore unless it was about business. He said that when I call, or leave messages, (that basically reflect the sadness I am feeling) it prevents me from moving on, and I am sure the OW has some input on this subject. The OW is wanting him to prove his love for her and the fact that he isn't in love with me anymore. Well I stopped calling him, but guess who called late last night???? He called to see if I was okay and told me he was having trouble sleeping also. Okay I left it at that, I didn't look into anything. <BR>Mr. Mean just called me at work to tell me not to tell anyone that he called last night and not to tell anyone that he still is paying on a life insurance policy (I'm the beneficiary). He doesn't want anyone to get the wrong idea!!!! He says that he cares about my well being but that is it.<BR>He certainly doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. Why can't he just express himself and stop worrying about me misinterpretting or anyone else for that matter.<P>Why does he do this?? Is he so desperate for the OW to realize his love for her that he is willing to show her how calleous he is to me in order to prove it. Please some words of wisdom are needed!!!!!<P>

{{{Rejected}}}<P>His inner conflict is a natural response to an unnatural situation that is of his own making. <P>Continue Plan A? I hope you can. What else can you do? It's hard to tell. I'm short on guesses. It sucks that he's mean. It's nice that he calls and wants to talk, though. Just hope your conversations with him can be the kind that make him think about what he's given up (and might, just might, get back if he tries <I>real</I> hard).

Hi, friend! I'm glad to hear from you, although I wish it was under better circumstances!<P>Like you, my H was a mean, insensitive jerk to me while he was with the OW. I could put it more politely, but the fact of the matter is that he put me through the meat grinder and was mean about it. So I know what you're going through. In a way, it would be so much easier if he would just say, "I love the OW, I'm leaving you" and then he never spoke to you again, wouldn't it? Oh, it would hurt and all that, but the wound wouldn't keep being re-opened, and eventually it would heal. But this way...every time you get on your feet, he knocks you over again. Then you figure out your next step, and he knocks you over AGAIN. <P>Know what I say? Stop letting him stear the ship. You grab the controls and start stearing your own life. For example, do you want him to be calling you at work, at all, or not? Set a boundary. <P>Here's a silly example of a boundary that I made, but it made a big difference. I personally like to have dinner completed before 7pm, but my H thinks that whenever he shows up at home there should be dinner for him--whether that is at 5pm or 9pm--and we should all wait on him to show up. Yet we never knew if he was even coming home or not!! Finally, I set this boundary. Dinner will be ready at 5:30pm every night, and we will wait until 6:30pm to see if he can join us. If he can not join us (or call ahead), we will begin eating dinner at 6:30pm and set his plate in the microwave. Now, the first couple of nights that he missed having dinner with us he accused me of being childish and treating him like a baby, but I stuck to it. Now, he calls me during the afternoon with his dinner plans and we work it out. <P>Rejected, set some of your own boundaries. For example, "since we are no longer living together, I do not want to accept your calls at work. If you call work, I will politely ask you to call me after work hours at home, and then I will politely hang the phone up gently." Or whatever you decide to lay down as a boundary. But, my friend, right now he has his cake and is eating it too. He KNOWS that he has his wife, and she's tied in knots but hanging in there, and he has his little tart. Don't let him stear your heart anymore--you stear!<P>Also, I would say, work and work and work on yourself--not in a selfish way, but in a productive way. Find out the kind of fun, sexy, loving, witty, beautiful, kind, gentle, thoughtful woman you can become! Start to BECOME the fun, sexy, loving, witty, beautiful, kind, gentle, thoughtful woman you have the potential to be. Put your energies and focus onto meeting your full potential, and start to reawaken your spiritual side. <P>{{{{{{{{{{Rejected}}}}}}}}}}<P>You can do this. He may chose to be an absolute idiot, but that only makes him less and less--even in his own eyes. You keep yourself focused on doing what you know you have to do, and JUST DO IT.<P>Your true and loyal friend,<P>CJ<P><BR>P.S. Remember your post about your name? I know it does have negative connotations and all, but I like your name, because it expresses how you feel/felt and (at the time) who you were: rejected. Having been there myself, I know EXACTLY why you picked that name.<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks for the posts friends. Boy I tell you all, I have great support in friends and family, but there is nothing like expressing your fears, hopes, sadness, etc. with those that truly understand what you're going through!!!! <P>I know that I need to set boundaries, and moving out has definately set some. It looks like I can't even let him express concern, for fear of the "take back". In his desire for the OW does he not realize that it must look pretty bad in her eyes the way; after 13yrs. of nothing but standing by his side and believing in him, (he has expressed this to the OW) he cast me aside for another. Or does this prove to her that they are "that" much better suited for one another????????????????<P>I really need to stop asking these probably unanswerable ?'s. <BR>

Hi Rejected,<P>I had a depressing name when I came too...it was lonely mom! A few months into the ordeal I changed it because I was sad and depressed a lot and tried to be more positive.<P>I can relate to what you are saying about them being so cruel. I think I have one of the cruelest ex's around and its a nightmare. I wish I had an ex that was at least "decent" and "civil" but that would be asking too much!<P>I agree about the boundaries, but you sound very similar to me, in that I have a hard time with sticking to them, and also, always asking questions I can't get the answer too!<P>I haven't been on the boards lately so I'm a little out of the loop, but if I had to make a guess, I'd assume he seems a little conflicted between you and OW. Proving to her that its over with you. Keeping communication open with you but trying for you not to get the wrong idea. I think sometimes, our spouses leave us, and get so entangled in the affair, that they feel there is no way out, so they just live with it. <P>It makes me angry since mine, and most of the other WS here, seem to put 200% more effort into the affair relationship, forgetting their vows, their spouse, their kids, and everything they had for the decades that past.<P>I still think in many cases the OW runs the WS , when it comes to anything that has to deal with the spouse they left behind.<P>My exH and OW are getting married! I guess I fell into the opposite end and the affair didn't end in 2 years after all!<P>Plan A as long as you can and keep your strength up. Its hard to plan A against someone who has been hard on us. CJ gave you some great advice too!<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana<BR>

It is me again! I spoke with the OW again last night. I had to stop by the house last night to pick up a few more things (man does it seem endless) anyhow, the H was there. I just went about my work. The pain all floods back and as I was leaving, I just couldn't stand the smuggness on his face. It upsets me so very much.<P>In speaking with the OW (which I am beginning to think is a bad thing), I learned that he tells her everything. I am sure this is in his effort to solidify the relationship. The OW and I are honest with each other, do you think she tells me about the endless gifts, the numerous phone calls, etc. to show me how much he loves her?? It kind of makes me jealous, which is an emotion I detest. But anyhow, Mr. Mean called me this morning at work and told me that OW found out about his "concerned" call and she was very upset. He then reaffirmed that any contact we have with each other should be strickly business. <P>Let me know if I am way off, but it seems that she has taken what I have said and used it for her own power. When she confronts the STBXH, it makes him crazy therefore he must prove his love to her. <P>I spoke with a pastor and his wife this morning (who also happens to be my H's uncle and aunt) They ministered to me and it helped me alot. I know that God will not let me down and there is a plan for me. Please someone let me know there feelings on the future of this sordid relationship. Will God ever bless it??????<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>But anyhow, Mr. Mean called me this morning at work and told me that OW found out about his "concerned" call and she was very upset. He then reaffirmed that any contact we have with each other should be strickly business. <P>Let me know if I am way off, but it seems that she has taken what I have said and used it for her own power. When she confronts the STBXH, it makes him crazy therefore he must prove his love to her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can’t tell if you’re “way off” or not. I don’t know the OW’s motivations in all this. Is she trying to get rid of him, or trying to hold onto him?<P>I <I>can</I> tell you that you shouldn’t trust anything your husband says about this. For example, he <I>claims</I> that the OW was “very upset”. If <I>she</I> is trying to hold onto <I>him</I> then this is understandable, since she, like you, is being denied exclusivity. If <I>he</I> is trying to hold onto <I>her</I> and <I>she</I> is trying to get rid of <I>him</I>, then he may be projecting his own “upset” onto her, or he may be engaging in wishful thinking.<P>Even if your husband could be counted on to tell you the truth as he understands it, he is not presently capable of thinking clearly enough to be honest even with himself.<BR>

You guys are good!!!!!!<BR>I sure hope that in the future I can post such great replies!!!!

Rejected,<P>I am in the same boat as you and I mostly post under the infidelity section under general questions. The way your H is acting is pretty typical to anyone in his shoes. H is always trying to start w/ me. I gave him my plan B letter this week and he has honored it for 2 whole days so far. (You may read it its under general questions) H has threatened to close out bank accounts and shut off utilities on me at the beginning of this week. (I had not spoken to him for over a week and did not understand this sudden hostility) I want you to know you are not alone!!!

Rejected,<P>Trs is exactly right. The way your H is acting is actually fairly typical. He starts in on you in hopes that you will react in some "bad" way, so that he can justify in his mind why he is being so cruel to you.<P>For example, my H took the OW on a vacation to Utah, and he knew that was a sore point for me. He also scheduled it so that he would miss the holidays with the kids, and he did not care. I thought to myself, "How could he be so cruel--literally hard-hearted?" Well, he was hoping I would yell and scream and pitch a fit and carry on, so that he could say in his own head, "See? She's crazy, unreasonable, and violent. No one could live with her" and then he'd feel like his behavior was OKAY.<P>So, chick, how is your day going today?<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.