n/c<p>[This message has been edited by TimBobby (edited 02-12-99).]

My children were ages 3 and 7 when we were going thru divorce and I sought counseling (family) for me and the boys. I also went back when the youngest was 5 and the oldest was 9. It was a "great" experience for them to talk about the divorce, how it affected them, etc., and has proved to be beneficial for all of us. Teen should definitely get counseling - they hurt so much inside and "hide" so much that they may express to other people.

I believe children should be told the truth about what is going on. It is their lifes that are being affected also and they should be able to hear what is going on and what mommy and daddy think and feel about the issue. They are not stupid they know what is going on but until they are told then they will remain in limbo. They should also be asked how they feel about it. I really think that if parents took the time to sit down with their children and discuss the child's feelings about this then alot of times the parents themselves might learn something!

TimBobby<p>For what it's worth, here's what I can share. My husband and I have three children: two girls, 5 & 12, and a boy, 10.<p>Our son has been seeing a psychologist off and on for a couple of years for help with ADHD/ODD. Coincidentally, his father sees the same therapist; has been for 4 or 5 months.<p>The kids have known for several months that dad hasn't been "happy" and that dad has been seeing the counselor. The oldest two were told that I have been seeing one (a different one) as well. They couldn't possibly have not known that something was terribly wrong since mid-September, when I read the survey he had completed for his therapist. Actually, our son's behavioral problems spiked at exactly the same time. (Tell me kids don't know when something's wrong.)<p>After a two-hour marriage counseling session New Year's Eve getting me to accept a temporary separation, we sat them down Jan. 2nd and he (I couldn't speak) explained to them that he was not happy; hadn't been for a long time. That he doesn't love mommy the way mommy loves him. That we have been and continue to see a counselor (a third) together. But that he felt like he couldn't stay here feeling like he does. He made it clear that it wasn't their fault, and that it isn't my fault. It just is the way it is.<p>They have been told nothing of his affair (which has been over for months). I don't want to have to go there with them, but he insists that if they ask, he will tell them the truth.<p>Yes, I believe you have to be honest with your kids. I don't believe they need to know all the details, but they have to be made to understand, to the best of your ability, that what is happening is not their fault. And if there is a separation, the one who left the home must make arrangements for continued contact with his/her children to reinforce that. It is also beneficial for the kids not to see their parents fight, argue, cry, or talk bad about one another. (I'm guilty of the crying part I must admit.)<p>Counseling is a good thing. If your kids are willing, take them, too. My oldest refuses, but she knows she can if she feels the need. Our son goes every week anyway.

patient,<br>i don't understand why isn't it a good thing for the children to see you cry over the death of their family. Why isn't it a good thing for them to see you fight for your family. Why isn't it a good thing for the children to see you upset about their father's bahavior. I do agree that you should not bab mouth each other to the children because that is pity. And I do agree that the children should not be witness to major fights where insults, and riduclue are thrown with abonded. But why shouldn't kids be shown the the emotions that happen during the cycle of divorce. Maybe if they see and learn that pain and hurt are ok to express that loss is ok to express then they will also understand life better. I do not agree with sheltering unpleaseant experiences from children. Now don't misunderstand me. I think the worst parts the name calling, bad fights ect should not be shown to the children but why not let them see you cry? why not show them that this hurts you that what their father is doing hurts you? That peoples actions have concequences towards other people. That divorce is a painful,bitter thing that should be avoided at all costs. Then when they get older maybe they will think long and hard before they get married and even longer before they get divorced. It is never good to try to hide your emtions from your children for the simple reason that the children pick up on emtions better then adults so the only thing you are showing you children is that it is not ok to feel hurt over this. that anger and loss are wrong is that the message you want to send to them? If their father died tomorrow would you not cry in front of you children? Is not divorce the same thing in a way? The death of your family. Sure there will be rebirth and rebuilding and the children should see this to that life goes on but they should be allowed to grieve and to experience the grieving with their parents. I get so anger at the thoughtlessness of spouses who tear apart their marriages then because they expect their children to not be upset nor hurt that they will get over it. They will never get over it. It will be a fact of live thrown in their face for the rest of their lifes. At their most special moments (graduation, marriage, birth of child,birthday parties, holidays) they will have to deal with the fact that their parents were more conserned with their "happiness" then their children. The children will grieve for what could have been and they will cry in secret for their lose. They will hide their feelings because that is what they were taught to do. If you can not cry over the death of you family what can you cry over?

Rusty<p>Okay. You've made a good point. Perhaps I need to clarify what I meant by "cry".<p>I don't think kids need to see a parent in the throes of an uncontrollable, helpless, hopeless, nobody-loves-me, how-will-I-go-on, hysterical type of state. I've been there a few times and each time I swore afterwards that I would not allow myself to lose my dignity in that way by letting it happen in front of people (which, luckily only happened in front of my best friend/next door neighbor and again with my husband). The shower is a much better place for that.<p>I think that doing that in front of the kids creates a sense of "that jerk, how could he do this to her - I hate him for it!" within the children. And what good would that do? Especially since, in my case, there are no hateful feelings here - it's confusion and an incredibly sad thing all the way around for myself and my husband.<p>I also don't believe it is productive for the kids to watch me mope around the house all weekend with tears in my eyes. <p>You're right, of course, there are times when tears are "appropriate". I got choked up last weekend while I was reminiscing with my oldest child about the good qualities her father possesses.<p>I believe that the children need to be shown strength and stability. To that end, an adult should control him/herself to a certain degree. I think kids should be told the truth, while revealing only as many details as a parent feels is appropriate for their age. Questions should be answered and not avoided. And, just like discipline, each parent should try to be on the same page in regards to what the children are told to avoid misunderstandings where the kids are concerned.<p>Gee, if we can do all this, how is it we're in the mess we're in?