Well, the other shoe dropped. I got a letter from her attorney today telling me to cease and desist trying to contact her (that anti-harrassment paragraph <I>I</I> shoved in there coming back to bite <I>me</I>!), and providing some of what I needed, asking for some things I need to send of to her (some is ready, some isn't), and totally missing the boat on what she owes me (so I set him as straight as I could--absent some final figures I can't do because <I>she</I> has the file). All in all, about as hopeful a sign as a <I>cease and desist</I> letter can ever be! <P>I sent an image-file copy of the letter and my repsonse letter to her father as well as faxing it to the attorney ahead of <I>regular mail</I>. I'm hoping he will keep the heat on as well.<P>Since I don't know what either of them know, I could make only an oblique reference to the issue that prompted her to shut down, in an effort to again convey my regret at having felt obligated to do what I did.<P>Her sincerity that she is ready to wrap things up will be measured by the alacrity with which she gets down to his office and signs that car title. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 26, 2001).]

I'm late coming to this topic, but I'm inclined to agree with your interpretation that you got some help from your XFIL.<P>I'm going to disagree with those who thought it was a mistake to contact him. I really don't know how you could have handled this better under the circumstances.<P>Of course, I'm biased in that I have my own actions to defend. I am still trying to keep my avoidant in-laws apprised of what is happening with myself.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> I asked XW (such that he could overhear me) "Ask him if he's old enough now to know how to act in a restaurant?" </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sisyphus,<P>Anyone that eloquent must be supported at all costs. There are several job openings over at the diplomatic corp! Your country needs you!<P>You made my day.<P>Bumper<P>

Bumper,<P>Apparently, that kind of ribbing flows both ways in anglo families like mine, but is <I>not</I> allowed to flow <I>up</I> in a hispanic family. Or rather, XW couldn't do it, so I couldn't do it. I know because XW gave me <I>hell</I> about it, but XFIL <I>never, ever</I> lost it with me (I guess preferring to give her a hard time so she would give me a hard time? I never was really privy to all that).<P>Of course, it had been a really ugly situation ... witch's brew of personality, diabetic low-blood-sugar crankiness, and alcohol. I unfortunately (or just-in-the-nick-of-time) walked in on it late. Had I been there all along, it might never have developed.<P>And it was XW's <I>favorite</I> restaurant, where she never went again (although I was occasionally dispatched for a certain Thursday-night take-out meal at another restaurant under the same management--where she also never showed her face again). <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B>I'm late coming to this topic, but I'm inclined to agree with your interpretation that you got some help from your XFIL.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If I did, they <I>backdated</I> everything to one day prior to when I contacted him (letters arrived consistent with 2/23 mailing, but there was a 2/21 postmark). <P>However, it would be <I>extremely</I> unlikely for her to want to be seen as having responded to his pressure ... at least on this occasion. <P>There was an e-mail sent to her brother by me ... not a request, just a test of the waters ... 2/20. I think <I>that</I> might also have been what moved her. <P>Or, it could have been my original statement to her (about a week prior) that in a week I would start contacting other family members to get their assistance. She had no way of knowing whether I might <I>out</I> some or all of the secret to <I>them</I>. <B>For the record, I didn't do that.</B><P>No matter. Its rolling now, so I needn't spend too much time speculating.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bonnet:<BR><B>Take care of you, and any letters in future, get your lawyer to do it!!!!!!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This fool is his own lawyer. I figure I am good enough at avoiding making large messes that I can clean up any small ones by myself. I may figure wrong ... but that's what I figure.<P>

Sisyphus,<P>I know!!!! That's why I put all the exclamation marks....<P>However, what's that saying... "A Dr. who treats himself has a fool for a patient" maybe it's the same for lawyers.......<P>At least you've got the ball rolling. There's nothing worse than inaction - for us I mean, is there?<P>Hope your days are getting better. Do something nice for yourself today. Have a massage or something. Believe me, after it you will feel a million dollars. You *could* get your nails done, but what your clients would think who knows!!!!!!! Although a lot of men out here seem to be having their nails shaped, buffed etc etc etc......<P>I thought Australia was full of 'real' men, you know, the sort that don't eat quiche..!!<P>Have a lovely day, and this has to get better. <P>Big hugs to you my friend<P>Jo

Sisyphus;<P>How to put this? Is it possible for you to step back from your situation and take a bit of a rest? I don't know all of the details of your separation, but I think I have the general gist.<P>I also know that in what I have read from your posts, you are gifted at giving others encouragement and advice. You are an extremely sensible and sensitive individual when dealing with the problems of the rest of us.<P>However, I read extreme excitability and adgitation regarding your own problem. Can you trust your lawyer [and your x-wife's] to do their jobs? If you can, it would surely lift some of the burden from your shoulders.<P>My good wishes [and prayers] go out to you.

OH MY GOSH! I just realized that you may actually be acting as your own lawyer.....if that is the case I'm not sure you should trust youself! You are AWFULLY close to the situation ....... I have seen genius in many of your responses to others, but I'm not sure you can/will allow youself the same consideration.<P>Enough said

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confused & insecure:<BR><B>OH MY GOSH! I just realized that you may actually be acting as your own lawyer.....if that is the case I'm not sure you should trust youself!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't trust myself. But it's no big deal. This thing is getting old and cold, and it looks like XW's attorney actually talked some sense to her (except for the money she owes me), so I think it's all going to turn out OK.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> I don't trust myself. But it's no big deal. This thing is getting old and cold, and it looks like XW's attorney actually talked some sense to her (except for the money she owes me), so I think it's all going to turn out OK. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sisyphus,<P>Sure glad to hear you're getting some positive news, my god, you have been put through the wringer.<P>Sixteen years ago, I ceded over about $11,000.00 the law really didn't require just to settle the case. Then EX refused to pay her lawyer, and things got mired down again. I wound up paying his fees too just to get it over with. It bothered me at the time, but looking back, it was the best money I ever spent.<P>A little over a year later, she sent my son back to live with me, and one by one all three came to live in my home. They are all through college now, two are married and on their own.<P>I like your phrasing, this thing is getting old and cold. It would be difficult to find a more clearly descriptive statement.<P>Keep the faith,<P>Bumper <P>

Dear heart troubled fellow:<P>I HOPE THAT YOU GET THIS.<BR>STOP STOP DOING ANYTHING ELSE!!!! DON'T send anymore letters, emails or messages....STOP. You are PLAYING IN TO HER POWER GAME!<P>If she does not send you the information that you need within the next two weeks, please contact an attorney to handle this for you. You already let her know your needs and she is not responding. She is probably saying " I will wait until the last minute, and make him suffer".<P>Cheers.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by blackeyes:<BR><B>I HOPE THAT YOU GET THIS.<BR>STOP STOP DOING ANYTHING ELSE!!!! DON'T send anymore letters, emails or messages....STOP. You are PLAYING IN TO HER POWER GAME!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, I disagree ... she was likely experiencing <I>Chinese Water Torture</I>, which of course drove her to her attorney, where she got the unwelcome news that unless she engaged him to wrap things up, there was likely no help for her as there were no threats, etc., just personal good wishes expressed, as well as requests that she confirm she was willing to move forward on some things.<P>Now, the question is can he control his client? Because I'm not giving any trouble unless she refuses to pay the money, sign over the car title, etc. Then I will go to court to enforce the terms of the settlement agreement. <P>

I am still of the opinion the thing to do is contact her once or twice then contact the attorney.<P>But, hey, you're a big boy and can make your own choices. <P>However, I feel that had you done it 'my way' you would have saved yourself a lot of hassle and a lot of emotional energy which could have been lavished on more pleasant things - such as building your relationship with your current love interest.

Yer probably right but I think that emotional energy likely <I>needed</I> expending...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cinderella:<BR><B>I am still of the opinion the thing to do is contact her once or twice then contact the attorney.<P>But, hey, you're a big boy and can make your own choices. <P>However, I feel that had you done it 'my way' you would have saved yourself a lot of hassle and a lot of emotional energy which could have been lavished on more pleasant things - such as building your relationship with your current love interest.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I totaly agree. At this point, he has contacted and tried and tried. It doesn't matter if she has been forced now to contact her attorney: Obviously she doen't want anything to do, say or communicate with her ex. Syphus should do the same.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by blackeyes:<BR><B>Obviously she doen't want anything to do, say or communicate with her ex. Syphus should do the same.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, of course I am doing the same. <P>But the history was, I was the one that was hard to get ahold of. And she was the one who <I>pursued</I> ... especially when, even post-divorce, she still wanted me to do a bank deposit she couldn't do because she was out-of-town, or wanted me to keep the Xpooch for a few days. I wasn't distressed by the pursuit, and I could hold it together when she eventually caught up to me, but every time I <I>did</I> go into about a 24-hour <I>funk</I> afterward.<P>When I stopped doing things like that for her, and took another <I>important</I> step she refused to engage in dialogue about, she submerged. And, taking my cue from <I>her</I>, I made repeated efforts to contact her.<P>In other words, she had no problem with me so long as I could be <I>of use</I>. At one time, she expressed her greatest fear as: "That <I> would diss <her> out of <my> life." Well either she wants to do that to <I>me</I> now, or is having trouble facing that the "loose ends" must be tied up--her attorney's <I>cease and desist</I> letter is suggestive of the former, but may just be an effort to give her an emotional break while he helps with the inevitable need to do the latter. Which problem is it she has? --well, it doesn't really matter anymore.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited March 01, 2001).]

Sisyphus,<P>are you also at the same place that sometimes I think I am???<P>You know the one. The place where we go and wonder if they are ever coming back?<BR>Which seems to indicate that WE haven't given up, no matter how hard we tell ourselves that we have.<P>Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I ask myself if I still do love him and want him home. The answer is always yes. But then my mind starts ticking over about how he hasn't changed, he hasn't seemed to have learnt anything from this, he didn't meet my needs before so why/how would he in the future.... and on and on it goes.<P>This is what I'm getting from your posts lately. That you do want her back, that you do love her. Am I wrong?<P>I hope I'm not speaking our of turn, however, someone once told me to put my ego and vanity on a shelf. If I wanted him, tell him in no uncertain terms that I want him.<P>I haven't been able to do that. Could you?<P>take care of you, and have a nice afternoon<P>hugs <P>Jo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bonnet:<BR><B>This is what I'm getting from your posts lately. That you do want her back, that you do love her. Am I wrong?<P>I hope I'm not speaking our of turn, however, someone once told me to put my ego and vanity on a shelf. If I wanted him, tell him in no uncertain terms that I want him.<P>I haven't been able to do that. Could you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I must avoid the urge to protest too much. Of course there are still feelings for her.<P>In part, they motivated what I did with that <I>secret</I>. But likely that <I>tore it</I> with her in a <I>very permanent</I> sense. Because overriding her <I>will</I> (or what she perceives as her will--it's really her <I>fear</I>) is something <I>only her father</I> may do--and he hasn't been let in on this one (again, her <I>fear</I>).<P>If she ever does see the benefit in what I did (if indeed there has been one), it will be a <I>long time coming</I>, and she will rationalize that it came <I>in spite of me, not because of me</I>. Unfortunately, that was a price <I>I</I> could see no way to avoid paying. <P>At this juncture, having already <I>moved on</I>, even if I were willing to risk having my guts ripped away again by stepping forward to ask her to reconcile, I would be in direct violation of a contractual provision that has been pointed out to me by her attorney, and <I>which I myself drafted!<BR></I> <P>And what of new GF? Does she <I>deserve</I> to have that done to her when she frankly meets my needs better than XW <I>ever</I> did? <P>Wrongs have been piled upon wrongs here. And I won't add to them. No, it's too late for anything like what you suggest.