<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B> I know there are at least two cases right now I would love to pay for myself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for thinking of me Mike, you really are a sweet guy!<P>

Hi Jamie-Lee,<P>How are you doing? I have a hard time keeping the money. If I was in my Bachelor's program, I would agree with you. However, I'm in my PhD program, in engineering, so I'm quite fortunate. I have no student loans and no debt. No credit card debt, no car loan, no mortgage, and a sizable retirement savings. And no sex! Ok, I just had to throw that in. I'm becoming more monk-like everyday, it seems. LOL. Financially, my world is quite secure. I attribute that to my education, so I've decided that is where I'll have to focus my giving. <P>Just so you know, I received my Bachelor's by going mostly at night. Took me about 8 yrs total. The upside is that I had no student loans. My parents did not pay one cent (and they could have). It was something me and my ex argued about occasionally. His parents paid for his education, so he never could understand why my education was so important to me. He never had to struggle like I did.<P>It looks like I'm going to have to spread it around. I have no idea how much I can sell these for, but would like to think I can get what I paid for them, or close. If that is true, then that is about $8000. So, I'm thinking $1000 in a one-time grant to a needy college student. $5000 to start a college fund for my niece, $1000 for food/supplies to a no-kill humane society, and $1000 to groups trying to lessen domestic violence. They have to include counseling for the batterers as well as the abused. For too long we've focused on (usually) the women, and need to start focusing on why these (usually) men abuse them and get them help too, especially if they are seeking help.<P>I thought about the Harley idea, but I figured he could do that if he wanted to on his own. I'm pretty sure he's making out ok, and I would like to think he could accept truly needy cases on occasion. As worthy a cause as it is, I don't want to pay for his Porsche.<P><BR>Ok, thanks to everyone for all of your ideas. Now I just need to figure out the best way to sell them. Newspaper? Internet? I know where my ex bought these earrings. Do I go back to the jewelry store and see if they want to buy them? I mean, you'd think good rocks like these (as long as I could prove they are mine LOL) would not be too hard to sell. If I did go through the newspaper or internet, I'd have to do something to reassure these folks that they really are diamonds and not CZ's. It wouldn't hurt for me to go to a jewelry store and see how much diamonds of this size and quality go for these days. oh well. Looks like I have some work to do....<P> <BR>

Seems more than an a little bit irrational for you to extract every physical item that was part of you during the time of your marriage. Even the marriage was not 100% your XH. Can't you just let go of "his" half? Keep the parts that were good for you? <P>If it would really help you could dump every scrap, but wouldn't it be simpler to tie on the concrete boots and jump? That would be no more or less effective. Because even dumping your rocks isn't going to relieve your soul of the past. Sorry.<P>BTW, I vote for the MB counseling fund. Cash them in whenever you please, but do look at maximizing your tax savings. Ebay?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wifeofcop:<BR><B> Thanks for thinking of me Mike, you really are a sweet guy!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ooopps...three cases <P>I was thinking more of newbies on this, but, I must admit, the idea has caught fire in my head. I have a session with Steve next week, I might sound him out.<P>Mike<BR>

TS,<P>I saw your thread the other day after reading a chapter from "The Simple Abundance Companion" by Sarah Ban Beathnach. The chapter is called "The Loves That Got Away".<P>"We all have our favorite ways to mark the magic of life's current romances - the people, places and pleasures--that fill our daily round with meaning and color our dreams for the future with a rosy hue. But sometimes glimpsing an old photo or dusting a senimental object can evoke sorrow disguised as wistfulness. In only a few seconds your heart is racing again, trapped in an old cycle of pain or even rage, as memory reassigns blame and reinforces guilt."<P>"These melancholy murmurs can be devastating. I used to dismiss them as fast as I could, and I suspect that I'm not alone. We turn our hearts away from what feels like a horrific accumulation of wrecked dreams and failed efforts, afraid that whatever killed our old love is poised waiting to strike again. And we bury or discard anything that might trigger feelings of loss."<P>"But when we run and hide, we see our world through a filter of fear and self-loathing. We assume both the love and the loss were not only some terrible mistake but that it was all our fault, our fault alone. If the relationship was lonely and unfulfilling, it must have been because of something we did or said or didn't say or do."<P>"I know this sounds scarey, and, if the loss is a recent one, perhaps impossible. But with the hindsight of even a year, it can be reassuring and healing to acknowledge all the good your past loves gave you. We cannot let go of a person or situation that caused us pain until we find something worth blessing."<P>"When glancing back stop assuming that all your past actions and emotions were wrong: from this moment on assume that they were right. There were precious reasons you were drawn to your former loves, but also positive ones for moving on."<P>"Great grief is only born out of great joy, and our anguish is that we feel we shall never, ever love as truly, as madly, or as deeply again."<P>TS....we "could" throw out or give away every single, solitary item that reminds us of someone who has hurt us deeply. <P>Believe me, I also think charity is a great idea, along the MB matching funds. Guess I wanted to point out a reason "not" to discard everything. After I read these paragraphs from the book (and there are more) I had to re-evaluate my thinking of "out of sight, out of mind".<P>Ragamuffin

Karenna and Ragamuffin,<P>If this were some kind of impulsive gesture, I'd agree with you. I've discussed the wisdom (or folly) of removing certain things out of my life. I've been divorced for nearly two years and have worn them almost daily throughout that time. Long enough to know that they do not symbolize anything I wish to remember.<P>Right now, I have reminders all around me. The BIGGEST reminder of my divorce is my PhD. Right now, I'm staring at my Master's diploma with my maiden name on it...recieved less than a week after my divorce was final. <P>I have taken something very positive out of this, and that is my education. For the rest of my life, I will carry the memory of this place and time and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. However, this jewelry does not symbolize anything good about our relationship. It only reminds me how my ex preferred buying me things instead of cherishing my soul. They were guilt gifts, blood money, bribes, and excuses for being less than loving. I want nothing to do with them.

I did want to make a comment about the book Ragamuffin suggested.<P>First, I do appreciate the spirit in which you posted it and that you wish to help. If this book helps you, then I'm glad for you.<P>However, I consider divorce to be one of the most serious and devastating tragedies a person can face in their life time. There are no positive reasons for "moving on" unless the marriage involved significant abuse. The term "moving on" is a cop-out for people who can't fathom the concept of a life-time commitment.<P>My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and most of my cousins married their first loves and are STILL with their first loves. The idea that our lives are a series of endless romantic breakups that we must find something positive about is against everything I believe in. <P>You said:<BR>"We cannot let go of a person or situation that caused us pain until we find something worth blessing."<P>I disagree. We cannot let go of a person or situation that caused us pain until we can forgive. We must find a way to forgive ourselves and forgive the other person. That is a long, long shot from finding or calling it a blessing. I will never consider my divorce a blessing. I will never consider a marriage that ended in divorce a blessing either. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that my marriage ended in divorce means that I was not truly married and that he did not love me. All I can do is forgive him (and myself) for believing he was capable of a life-time commitment when he married me and forgive him (and myself) for believing that he truly did love me. <P>I don't intend to spend the rest of my life hopping from relationship to relationship and calling it "love". The proliferation of serial marriages proves one thing to me...the selfishness of individuals and ability for people to rationalize using another human being only as long as it suits their purposes--and then moving on when it becomes too hard or inconvenient.<P>I don't cherish my "lost loves". All I learned was how to be used and then discarded when I became inconvenient to them. So, I will do to his "gifts" what my ex did to me and my life. I used them as long as it was convenient to me, then they will be discarded in as ignoble a manner as I can imagine. China in the landfill. Jewelry down the toilet. These acts symbolize our "relationship" in a very concrete way. I find it very appropriate.<P>I have no doubts that my ex found something positive from our marriage. By definition, he was only in it as long as it was good for him and everything was going his way. He has no reason to be sad, resentful, or have regrets. He never really extended himself. The only thing he "lost" was me, and he is walking proof that replacing me was quite easy and even --- enjoyable. I don't feel sorry for his next wife. Odds are pretty good she'll use him as a tool too. In fact, I hope she does. Maybe then he'll get to see what it is like to really lose something of value, like his children, family, his life savings or other thing he cherishes.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited February 25, 2001).]

Not to spark another debate....But....You hit the nail on the head with the "Serial Marriage" comment...<P>It is pretty sad how our society has conveniently thrown aside family, sacrifice and committment for the sake of "Serial Monogamy"...Most people I know are this way and that scares me!!<P>My friends don't understand why I am not "dating"...I don't want to fall in that loop...<P>Hell if I had one wish it would be to go back in time and not be a druggie and have married my first love!!...Be that as it may...I cannot do that...So I pick up the pieces and try to move on...<P>I too have no desire to have any momentos of my marriage...I told her to keep all the pictures and other things we had together...One of the reasons I am selling my house is because this was going to be our dream house and LRB painted the goddamn thing!!...<P>Cold as it is...and I love my child more than I can express...I am grateful she resembles me more than her mother...<P>Now I have no intention of giving my equity to charity but I will use it as a downpayment on my next abode..LOL<P>So TS, again you make more than valid points in your reasoning...<P>Bill

NO NO NO!!!<P>Your looking at this ALL wrong...<BR>Don't look at it as the Diamond trip..as a bad thing..Look at it as the Diamond trip<BR>that was part of the healing process..and you<BR>took something he gave you and HAD FUN!!!<P>Look at it that hey I deserve this damn-it after all the heartache I've been through and<BR>I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it..

And if your set on giving it to a charity for animals one way to make sure it goes to the actual animals..is to go out and buy the things yourself and donate the items you bought..like dog food, cat food and the like..or even buy gift certificates like at a grocery store and donate them to the local food banks to use..