Dr. Harley and others on the forum,I hope someone can shed some more light on my situation at present,I will fill you in on the story.<br>My wife has had an affair apro:5 months ago,we have attended some counselling and this didn't go very well,my wife and i had two seperate counselors and while on the discussion of our marriage one of the counselors asked if my wife has ever suffered from depression,this shocked both of us as we never told anyone before the question was asked,i asked them why they would ask that and they responded by the circumsatnces involving the affair and my wife's inability to work on the marriage at this point.<br>they felt that my wife should have some individual counselling regarding the issues in our marriage and they said that now of the issuses where really severe enough to end the marraige and they could be resolved with some hard work and understanding from one an other.<br>my wife became upset over this because to date she had more or less put a great majority of the problems on my shoulders and she also had suffered from depression for about 10 years and is on medication to control it.<br>They tried to explain to my wife that feelings do change from day to day and that they felt it didn't matter how much i was bending over to accomadate her and resolve the issuses,that she was basing her decisions solely on her feelings and would not allow anything to change that,they also said that people suffering from depression some times can't desifer things properly because thier feelings have been in control of them for so long that they depend on the good feelings to change thier life and make them happy.<br>The circumstances that led them to believe this in the first place was that the man she was having a thing with is 63 years old (23 years older than my wife and I) and that he lost his wife of 28 years to cancer only 45 days before the affair.<br>She had never been close to this person before with the exception that he lives next door,my wife has difficulty making friends and definetly has a hard time dealing with male friends as this area has always been a problem since her father left her sister and mother and her at 13 years old. She has always depended on her mother's opinion on most things and my wife and the OOM and my mother in law sat down and had a discussion about the affair as it started to unfold, my mother in law does not have a very high regard for men as her only comment on the situation was "we are all adults I'm sure you can work this out".<br>I have been to talk with my wife's physc.and he revelrd that he could not discuss her case as it was a doctor patient thing,instead he asked me to fill him in on the details,after this he was shocked as my wife had been into see him the week before and when he asked her how things were going,she said everything was fine and no real problems to deal with right now,he filled out her prescription and she went on her way.<br>he did explain to me afew things that possible because of the depression my wife was in a state of deniial over the affair and that the OOM was definetely in a state of denial over the loss of his wife,he said that he has dealt with many people that have lost spouses and done similar things as the OOM but that is more common among men as they have difficulty dealing with the loss of a spouse,rather that deal with the loss and deal with what thier spouses love and what it meant to them they replace it and avoid the grieving period,after all it feels better to have feelings for someone and you can apply it to them if they are alive.<br>He said that in no way shape or form would the OOM ever admit to this being a mistake,1) he is 63 years old and any man that wouldn't want to have sex with a woman 23 years younger would be a fool,2)how could he ever admit to her that he was using her to get out of his state of loss after what she did for him to have the affair,3)even though they had talked about our problems and more or less convinced her this was the route to go he would never want to take responsibility for his part in destroying a family with 2 kids.<br>the doctor has since ahd my wife back into his office and explained things to her,but she really doesn't want to except this as the truth she wants to her what she needs to hear and she doesn't want to hear the truth because she is afraid they might be right.<br>My wife and i have read several books on marriages and related problems including some of marriage builder's books, we have also read many bboks on the subject of grief and its affects on men and women,<br>right now I have decided to apply plan "B" since nothing else seems to be working,<br>my kids,wife and I sat down to explain to them on what was happening,my kids are 17 and 12 years old and my wife to date has never really talked to them about this,as for my self if they ask me questions i give them answers,I have tried to help them deal with this as best I can and really they have helped me,throgh this conversation my kids held nothing back and really told her what was on thier minds,they had explained some feelings they were having towards my wife and the OOM,my wife respoded that the OOM loves you guys and the probems in your father and my marriage was the lead up tp the affair,both kids agreed that this was a copout and that if things were that bad she should have expressed her opinion to me rather than replace me,they also said that after the affair was discovered and she had moved in with him for about 2 weeks she was the one to initiate trying to put the marriage back together and rather than deal with the relationship she had with me, she was working on both relationships at the same time,they also said that her inability to work on the marriage still after 5 months of the affair was a problem for them and that if she wanted out she should have never put dad and us through this,I exolained to my kids and wife on many occassions how mich I loved them and was still in love with thier mother,she on the other hand feels that she loves me and cares for me but not the love a woman should ahve for a man,my daughter has asked my wife to attend counselling and she would like to go with her,she also asked that while dad and you try this trial seperation would she be seeing the OOM,my wife responded maybe and she wasn't really sure,(he has since moved and I don't think she knows how to get in touch with him. we ende the talk and will continue it later as my wife ahd to get to her hotel room and it was very late and the kids ahd school the next day,it wasn't a very pleasent night as ym daughter didn't get to slee ptill after four in the morning,as far as my son he had nightmares and pretty much cried through out the night.<br>my wife and i explained to the kids that we would use this time to our own benefits,my wife would use the time to try to be able to come back to work on the marriage instead of just being here,that is probably why the kids were upset over the fact that she may see the OOM, as for my self I need to put what has happened into it's place and decide whether or not I would like to continue my life with my wife.<br>I'm sorry about the long posting but I guess there is alot to be said about this,your comments on this matter would be greatly excepted.bye for now KB

Kevin --<p>I first read this post because I thought you meant how the spouse's depression affects the other spouse. That's something I'm trying to learn more about because of my wife's struggle with serious depression most of her life, including our 21 years together. Before I got married, I'd only heard about depression in my high school psychology class. I was so unprepared for what I was going to have to face in real life.<p>I have an aunt who is a nurse (retired) who spent most of her career working with and caring for the mentally ill. She says that when faced with serious mental illnesses, the family members usually end up sick also. Everybody has their own ways of coping and sometimes escaping from the pain, and very often emotional abuse, that comes from living with someone mentally ill. I can definitely see the truth of that in my own life. I wish I had understood more and been stronger. My own coping mechanisms became very self-destructive. <p>As far as the thought processes of someone who is depressed, I can tell you from my own personal experience with my wife, and even myself during several bouts of depression, that you can't take what they say at face value. Because there are so many underlying issues that color their preception of reality, they really don't see things as they are. I guess that's true of everybody to some degree, but for someone depressed their perceptions are especially warped by their own feelings. And unfortunately, they tend to base most of their decisions in life on those feelings.<p>My wife is also manic-depressive, and I can tell you the problems created by the mania are even harder to live and cope with than the depression. And it's also a lot harder for other people to see what's happening because she appears so much more normal and "up" when she's manic. I end up looking like the bad guy because I'm trying to "control" her.<p>If it wasn't for my faith in God, I would have given up a long time ago. I know that there isn't a whole lot I can do to change my wife -- I can only change me. But that isn't enough for us to have any chance at a fulfilling marriage. Right now I'm praying for a miracle -- nothing short of that can save us.

I found Kevin's post very interesting - especially that the therapists would be bold enough to tell them that the depression affected his wife's ability to judge her situation. I believe that my H is suffering from depression and I know that I have been. I am currently being treated for it and have made what I and others around me think are major strides out of the depression. I wish my H would consider treatment, but he doesn't even believe there is such a thing as depression (defined as an illness that one has no control over). I know he's seen the changes in me on medication, but he still will not try with me on our marriage.<p>Kevin, Plan B has got to be really tough on a family. I'm sorry it has gotten to that with you and your wife and I feel for your children. I hope it works out for you in the end, and I'm glad to hear that your wife's therapist and doctor care enough about what you've told them to take action based on it. It is encouraging to know that it does happen that way...<p>terri