This is my first posting.<P>My wife and I have separated. There have been so many severe problems that it brought us to this. Between my depression/reclusiveness/problems with anger and her boredom at home and her bar hopping every night, we have become strangers. Now, I trust her completely and I don't think she has ever messed around. We just don't have anything in common anymore.<P>She is at the point now where she has said things to me like:<P>1) I don't feel anything<BR>2) I love you, but not the way you want me to.<BR>3) You should get on with your life and see other people.<BR>4) You make me nervous.<BR>5) I can't go through another one of your misery episodes.<P><BR>We are now separated. I am renting out a spare bedroom from a friend while she still lives at home. She is not working right now, and I still am paying all the bills. It's been a month now since I gave her space.<P>For my depression, I've gone to get treatment and continue to do so on a regular basis. I'm doing this for myself, not for our marriage. On the other hand, my wife is not seeking work and just bar hops every night with her friends. I trust her and do not think she is messing around. She is not getting any counselling, but only drinks more and more as each day goes by. I know she is going through a lot. Her sister rdied of cancer and year ago and her parent have moved out of the state. se must feel really alone.<P>I scared that I may have lost her. I know that she needs time and space apart from me, but <BR>she is in need of help. It pains me because I love her so much and do not want a divorce.<P>I'm hoping my changes will inspire her to get some help, but she won't reach out to anyone. I want our marriage to come back together so much, but she doesn't want me in the same house with her.<P>This thing could take months. Unfortunately, my salary is not enough to keep paying all the bills. The money is going to run out in about a month and checks will start bouncing unless payments get delayed. At this rate, she would have to return to some kind of work or we will have to sell the house.<P>I always talk to her in a soft voice and never argue, no matter what insult she hurls at me. I send her flowers on a regular basis along with cards and letters, all to no avail. I can't get any response from her.<P>How long is thing going to take? She built up an emotional wall around her, but she has not filed any divorce papers. Everything is in limbo. I used to cry all the time after the breakup. I still do, but not as often. The pain is still there, and I love her so much. Unfortunately, the past problems keep getting in the way because she thinks I'm doomed to repeat them. I know this is not the case. I am willing to wait and let her see the changes, but every day we are living apart feels like we are moving further and further away from getting together. God, Please help me.

<P> I am so sorry about your pain... I know it hurts. I guess if she won't help and you can't afford it you might have to sell your house. It is hard, but after all it is just timber and drywall..Like my h said one day when I asked him if he was sad because he had to sell a vehicle he was fond of.. He replied" No, It is just metal and Glass."<P> People are so much more inportant than objects. Keep praying to GOD. WE can pray for you,also. I will. Keep being the best you can be.<P> Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your wife..........<P><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Have you posted in the other forums also. Maybe try recovery, General questions.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Thanks for your words. I pray all the time now myself. I am somewhat ashamed that it took this kind of event to cause me to make a change in myself for the better.<P>I've put all these problems into God's hands. I may be praying for what I want (my marriage intact), but God knows what I need. I will be happy no matter what path God chooses for me.<P>Concerning withdrawn W, she is still as withdrawn as ever. The toughest part for me right now is concerning whether or not I should go out to meet friends at places that I know she will likely be at. If I did see her, I would say hi and give her a hug. That would be it. I wouldn't ask questions or bring up our situation. However, I'm worried it might make her uncomfortable and feel trapped by my presence. Should I just stay away, even though we can get along on a friendly basis?

No need to squelch your social options.<P>If she arrives, you leave (she'll catch you at the door if she wants you to stay. If not the first time, then the next). If she's where you turn up, do a 180 and get out of there. <P>But why spend <I>all</I> your time at watering holes? There are lots of other things to do with your time and your life.

You are right. I don't need to be going into those "watering holes". I am currently refraining from any of those places. However, tonight is a weird situation because we have a mutual friend that is having a birthday party at a local sports bar. I was invited and I already know that W is going to be there. Should I go?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by warewolf:<BR><B>I was invited and I already know that W is going to be there. Should I go?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Depends on what you think will happen when you get there. The key is, <I>you have been invited</I>. There is no barrier to your presence yet.<P>If she thinks of you as depressed and reclusive, this is a fine opportunity to demonstrate the opposite. If she feels the need to leave, she will do so. If she feels the need to ask you to leave, she will do so. If she wants to talk to you, she will make sure she either walks right up to you or gives you a strong signal. <P>If you want to stay out of trouble, keep your behavior toward her extremely <I>neutral</I> and <I>subtle</I> ... beware that your eyes do not fix on her too often, and that your facial expression when you do see her is neither giddy nor hostile. She needs to take the lead.

Well, I went to the birthday party. I went over and told her hi. Later, i went over and told her bye. That was it. She never approached me for anything. Consequently, I did not seek her out for an extended conversation. She didn't look sad, but was laughing and having fun with her friends.<P>It appears she likes to hang out with her 4 or 5 single girlfriends and bar hop, with no attention given to our situation. She must be comfortable doing this because I am still paying all the bills, even though we are separated. If someone is so withdrawn, is it typical for them to be so sociable and happy?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by warewolf:<BR><B>She must be comfortable doing this because I am still paying all the bills, even though we are separated. If someone is so withdrawn, is it typical for them to be so sociable and happy?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Withdrawn from <I>you</I>, not life. Look into that separation book by going over to amazon.com and entering "controlled separation". Get it under control. <P>

I've ordered the book. It can't get here fast enough. Thanks.