I have been monitoring this forum for months. My wife and I attended a seminar fro his needs her needs. I have watched the sagas progress sometimes better, some worse. Now, unbelievably, Im right in it with you all. I just discovered my wifes online affair, she has left, taken the kids, and asking fro divorce.<br>My wife had an affair (in person) 4 years ago.In our marriage we have problems (lol) both tossing love busters regularly, not meeting each others needs, probabley pretty typical conflict stuff, but, its our reality.<p>Over the past couple of weeks my wife has gotton addicted to Chat. Im not jealous so I said nothing. She became more and more obsessed w/ it. I sensed something earlier this week. One day I called home she was very nervous, which is never the case. I looked in the temp int. files and found the profiles of dozens of men from chatting. Then I found where she had actually sought out some of these men. I made a note of the names. Out of the blue Tue. night she calmly said she wants a divorce. I said no. She went out of town Wed., took the kids (trip was planned already) and when I talkred to her again i said only 1 way will i go for a divorce, if another man is involved. I remember the pain of the affair 4 yrs ago and cannot bear the thoughty of that again.<br>She says well if u need a reason there is a "friend" It took me awhile but she admitted he was from online.<p>I went in the chats as her, looked up all the men she had searched, and tried to chat them (as her)Finally I get one %&^%$ online and he is acting like he doesnt know me (her)<br>and he is behaving wierd. He asked me to tell him some detail about his life. I knew i had him. I said "you love the Lord and thats whats important to me" (wife told me he was Christian) and he says it really is u, u warned me that your husband is very clever (he is <br>I sat 4 two hours chattins as her with him while he told how much he wants to hold her and give her pleasure.I cried right in my office as the words appeared on my screen.<br>Got offline, left the office, went home, got him back online and learned the following:<br>they swapped photos<br>they swapped phone numbers<br>they have spent hours on the phone<br>he was on the phone the day i called and she was nervous<br>they have discussed meeting<br>he only lives 3 hours from here<br>i knew she had his phone number so i acted like it was packed away. I got his home, work numbers, his place of employment, his home address, and directions to his house.<br>I called wife and contfronted her. Of course then she tells all. What hurts more is that she immediatly called him to warn him. Im not volitale so nothing to warn about really but it shows she cares.<br>This was all just yestarday. she is insisting she wants me gone monday when she returns. She might agree to a 30 seperation with no contact but I fear that will facilitate the affair further.<br>Please pray fro me and her and our children and our marriage. Thanks fro reading this if you made it this far.

Dear Pragmatic - <p>Just letting you know that we are listening - others will give you good advice - I can't at this time... going thru too much pain myself.<p>Janet

What to say? Speechless. Been there done that. know your pain. Wife cheated on me two years ago. Then four months ok started chatting found out men were calling our house while I was at work. Confornted her about it told her I would not tolerate that behavior. She went to her mother's for thanksgiving two days later(planned trip). informed me that sunday she nor the three children where coming home. It has been two months now. Working on things. Three steps forward , two to five backwards. So I know exactly what you are feeling. What to do? You could try plan A. Stop the love busters ect. Could e-mail the creep and tell him that he is destroying your family. If he is a christian then he will understand that adultry is wrong and hope he burns in the fires of hell for eternity.(lol) you could file for divorce it seems that once they cheat they will always return to it. How about five years from now will she do it again. I think you should stay in your house file papers for custody of your children(prove adultry and you may have a case). Show her that her actions have concequences but also explain that you want to work things out but there are some things you will not stand for. Do not threaten her. Talk to an attorney and see what your rights are with your house children. Why do women think they have all the rights? sorry upset about the unfairness of it all. I wish you luck and keep me posted on your sit. good luck and god's prayers

Now that im in this i cant even read the other posts, funny isnt it? Thanks Rusty, your advice is similar to that of many people i have counceled w/ over the past couple of days. I talked to her a lot over the past 2 days and she is insisting i move out for the 30 days, i feel she will still file and i feel like this is a trial divorce. i will do anything, anything to save my marriage.<br>i talked to the other man alredy, told him if he is Christian leave us alone, there are 8 billion people on this planet. He was ****y with me, said he would not contact her for now. I really feel that without his influence the marriage has a chance, but with it it doesnt. I talked with her and told her I was going to send an email saying I could get him fired from his job, which I did the last time she had affair. She begged me not to. What does that say to me? She has stupid infatuated feelings for him. I know im not the only one having pain here. I am on my face before GOD almighty praying for each of the relationships on this board. <br>We r all hurting so bad it isnt fair, but its life. God has a plan for us, he is m y strength. I will overcome not with my power but with his. That is my faith. As we speak I weep at the thought of a divorce, losing the kids, but also the wife who I love deeply. Please pray she will give a chance to this. She is Christian too, she is wonderful and I love her.

Also<br>Rusty, may God bless your marriage, im so sorr this would happen to a lot of people. You sound like it is exactly lke me. How bizarre.<br>Marriage is sacred, may God bless marriage and the people who want to preserve it. <br>Do yyou want to send ame an email, comiserate, that sort of thing? I could use the Christian friendship

Pragmatic,<br>I could use the friendship also. If you need to talk to someone going through this then by al means e-mail me at tsankey@hotmail.com. Anyone else you would like to talk about life in general can e-mail also. I am a little rusty on my bible teachings but I have a very strong unshakable faith in our Lord. This experience as made me understand not only my faith but also my role in my own unhappiness. God is showing me the way. I heard a sermon on the radio yesterday while in the car that just about made me run off the road. The feeling that overcame me was like nothing I have ever experienced before. It was total peace, total relaxation, but at the same time every nerve cell in my body was alive. A clear sense of purpose came over me and I knew that no matter if my marriage works out or not i will never be that person that I was. The preacher said three things that stand out clearly in my mind. 1) God does not want us to just get by. He wants us to suceed. He wants us to fly! Only by suceeded do we honor his gift of life. 2) That if you have a dream do not let anyone rob it from you. Grab onto you dream like a bulldog fighting for the last bone on earth. 3) His way is to plan your work then work you plan. Quit letting events control you and start controling your life and events around you. I don't mean to preach but if you would have experienced the feeling that I did you would be shouting at the top of your lungs from the highest building in the world proclaiming this message. SO GOd's prayer's to everyone. He will answer your prayer's just sometimes not the way we think best.

The following is a post which I pasted from another forum which I feel would be useful to you in your predicament. Good Luck.<p>I admire your tenacity to keep a family together. That is the right thing to do. But unfortunately, there are people in this world who don’t care about pulling someone from a family to meet their own needs. These folk are pretty despicable but do exist... Additionally, sometimes our spouses become so dissatisfied with aspects of their lives that they throw everything out the window for “love.” In the end, it’s really not love but a heightened state of euphoria that wanes about 1 - 6 years after they broke up the last family unit. They stay with the second guy because they finally come to their senses but don’t want to upset the apple cart a second time. : There are some key points that you have to deal with: (1) You can’t control another person’s choices -- even when the choice is absurd. (2) You can’t keep a marriage together with the commitment of only one spouse. I’ve heard that Dr. Harley has proposed the concept that one person can keep a marriage together but it’s absurd to me. Marriage is a decisional commitment to another person for life based on our love of the other person. There are the dynamic relationship aspects of marriage (affection, listening, lovemaking, looks, etc.) that must be worked at, but, if the person cannot maintain an exclusive marriage relationship then there is no marriage. (3) I would purchase the books “Love Must Be Tough” (James Dobson, Word) and “After the Affair” (Janis Spring). These books address the question of how to deal with the “prodigal spouse.” Even though it is scary to take the wife to the edge, Dobson and Spring both state how you can’t really have love without respect. Dobson does a great job of showing how the straying spouse has to be brought to a crisis point. You can love someone and not be married to them. It's so hard to see so many dreams come crashing down in situations like this, but, when she says that she can't end the relationship it's important for you to show her the consequences of her actions. (4) Don’t plead for her to return (i.e., “I’ll do anything to keep this family together”). Believe me, it is better to live alone than to live with someone who may stray again. (5) Realize that you have choices in the situation -- you can thrive rather than just survive. You do have choices and that counter-balance could change your wife’s perspective on the matter. Sometimes the one in an affair doesn’t realize that the other spouse could initiate serious legal actions or just leave. (6) Try journaling to stop obsessing about the situation. You didn’t mention it, but, I’ve been there. (7) If you are a Christian, this is a great time to draw closer to God. He’s about all that you’ve got now that’s for sure. (8) Deal in reality -- don’t deal in what you want reality to be. If your spouse is unable to recommit to the marriage, then you have some pretty clear feedback on her future choices. (9) Avoid co-dependency. There were problems with your relationship (and what relationship doesn’t have problems), but, having an affair is a disproportionately injurious way to address those problems. The affair speaks louder about her issues than it does the relationship’s issues. Your spouse has made some out-of-boundary choices that you are unable to change. You have a new reality, very different than the order you were used to, and you now have a different set of situations to address with integrity. (10) At some point you will need to release your right to seek revenge against your spouse, but, that doesn’t mean that you can trust her in a marriage relationship again. Affairs are like an addiction, and, the rationalizations will roll in like the tide. Don’t pressure her to return because she’ll get involved with another again if it’s not her clear choice. (11) Realize that whatever anger you feel toward another is really a way of diverting personal pain for being wronged by your wife. It was easier for me to be angry at the other man that to realize that my wife respected me, trampled on my heart, and shacked up with some green-blooded monkey boy! It takes a lot of courage to feel the pain, but, that’s the way to personal and spiritual growth. I wish it were easier, believe me. : If I may, a poster who goes by “Legal Beagle” posted some good info on what to do from a legal standpoint in these situations. I’ll repost it here because I thought it was extremely helpful : Re: Ten Steps to take : Posted by Legal Beagle and a man who's been through it. on December 24, 1998 at 10:24:02: : Step one: : DO NOT move out of the house!! If you leave the house, she can retain sole custody of your child and get the house. It's hard living with someone like this, but DO NOT MOVE! Doesn't matter what she says or does, she will try to get you out of the house. DON'T DO IT! : Step Two: : Retain an attorney. See if "Legal Separation" is available in your state. Most attorneys give free legal advice. Find out what you have to do to get this done as soon as possible - even on Christmas Eve. Have it written in the agreement she is to leave the house without the child. If it is possible, have her served with the papers when YOU are : home and she is NOT home. When she IS away, pack her things in the smallest plastic bags possible - this should include CLOTHES ONLY. Do not give her anything else but her clothes. Let her learn how to manage without your buck. : Step Three: : Go file for sole custody of your child. Trust me, if you don't she will. You don't want and should not be a visitor in your child's life because of her adultery. SHE WILL FIGHT to keep him away. Be persistent and do not waiver from what you want. Be hard now - you can always be "nice" later. If it's not in writing now, it won't be available later without a big fight. : Step Four: : Close all bank accounts and credit card accounts which have BOTH of your names on it. She WILL use your money as long as it's there. DON'T LET HER PUT YOU IN BANKRUPTCY!!! : Step Five: : Someone suggested this down below and I agree with it totally! DO NOT TALK TO HER or call her at all. Cut off all communication with her any shape or form. Let a third party do everything for YOU. Do not let her communicate with YOU at all - not at work or home or anywhere. Cut off all ties. : Step Six: : Don't go to the bar. Many men and women who are in this situation go to the bar one too many times during this very hard time. You could get yourself into more trouble doing so. Drink won't take away the pain. It might for the night but tomorrow you will pay a heavier price - especially if you're in jail. : Step Seven: : Call up her family and friends and YOURS. Tell them what has happened and what you did to "fix it". Tell them if they want any detailed information, they have to get it from her. You NEED their support. Don't let her deny you that. : Step Eight: : Take special care of your child and YOURSELF. Go to the movies, ball game, park - wherever you and your child will feel happy and can forget about the awful feelings. When your child asks questions, tell your child mom and dad are having a rough time right now and everything will be okay because you both love him very much. Assure : your child they had nothing to do with this at all. Your child will learn the reality later. But for now, keep it simple and calm and pretend to be happy even when you're not. It's difficult, but you have to do it for your child. : Step Nine: : Go seek a family counselor for yourself and YOUR CHILD. It will help you and your child get over this rough time. : Step Ten: : Take some extra time off of your work if you can to spend time alone to get your feelings out. Write it down, scream it out or record it. Whichever makes YOU feel better. Take special care of YOURSELF for awhile. Men don't "pamper" but now is a great time to do it! Have you seen a movie in awhile? If not, grab a friend and go. Have you been to a great sports place lately? If not - go! Take care of yourself so you can take better care of your child too. : Bonus step: : I know it hurts a lot. The pain seems almost unbearable and it seems to last forever. You WILL get through it and although you will always think about what happened, eventually the pain subsides. One day you WILL wake up not thinking about it. One day you WILL go to sleep and not think about it. One day you WILL be happy again. Keep taking steps - one at a time -until you see and feel the sun. It's coming. It's a long way off -but it will come. : May God bless you and give you peace.

My update.<p>My wifes major issue with me has been my temper. In the context of this forum you would call it a major love buster. There is no excuse for it.<br>My wife will accept no fault in our routine marital conflicts. I mean zero. That cannot be the case. At least I have the affairs to point to. I feel to a certain extent she even has those pinned on me.<br>Anyway, wife decided to come home early from trip. Told me she has been in further contact with OM. Tells me it was to warn him I was about to contact his employer. I got her to agree to have no further contact, then she had further contact, does that look familiar on this forum?<br>Just yeaterday she was looking for him in the chat rooms.<br>Anyway, I saw a lawyer who told me I had a good case for my children, a lot because I can work at home. She got wind of my lawyer visit and blew her stack. At the same time she was weeping at the possibility of loosing the kids. That was what I wanted. I left the hotel and went home.She said she cant stand me etc. I said "so what has changed" except you dont have full control of the situ. (She has admitted that she is controlling)<br>Today she went to a lawyer. Neither of us has filed papers. I dont know however if I can trust that she didnt file. I didnt file and I feel vulnerable again. At her mercy.<br>I want this to work so bad and to get the bad times behing us.<br>Thank those of you who have responded so far.