I just had my first counseling session. I don't know how or where to get the energy to do plan A. I just don't like to be my husband wife anymore, yet I don't want anything to harm him. So what is this... homosapian's love?<P>I will do the nice things today, but I know that he will not except this programme, he will probably think that I'm crazy.<P>He has made it known that he does not want any children.<P>He has made it known that he will contribute to the up keep of the house only when and as he sees fit.<P>He has made it known that he will not stop drinking every night becuase I have not right to tell him what do.<P>I must talk to him very carefully , otherwise anything may be construed as disrespecful.<P>He has made it known that he will not get into any savings plan... because he has to pay his credit cards..yet he has been paying his credit cards for 5 years now.<P>He has made it known that he is not willing to associate, visit, enjoy with my family.<P>He has made it known that since his parents come before I do.<P>He has made it known that we will have sex only when he wants to. I have felt miserable many of times when he has rejected me.<P>Houseldhold projects will only get done when he has the energy and if and when his wants at being met. <P>Do you truly think that Plan A will help me?<P>Thank you.<BR>

Blackeyes,<P>I have a question for you, and you can tell me it's none of my business if you want. But is your H physically abusive? The reason I ask is...he sounds a lot like my stbx, who likes to hit women. <P>He spent 10 years degrading me and doing anything he could to make me feel worthless. <P>Just curious...<P>Mitzi

Mitzy, no he is not.

1) Why did you pick your screen name?<P>2) What he is doing is determined to establish emotional control, trying to establish himself as the supreme dictator in your relationship.<P>You must be willing to say no, mean no, if and when the time comes that you choose to not want to fall under his control edicts, or disagree with him, or just plain do something you want to do.<P>This may not be pretty, and may get ugly, but the current situation is not a marriage in most people's eyes, especially here. So consider counseling to figure out how to stand up against the verbal abuse/control, and you will score equality points.<P>However, if you score equality points with someone who must be domineering, then you will be in a power struggle, and that will determine the future of your marriage.<P>just a cyber opinion!<P>good luck!<BR>WIFTT<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR>[B]1) Why did you pick your screen name?<BR>I feel dark, my eyes are dark, I feel dark.<P>2) What he is doing is determined to establish emotional control, trying to establish himself as the supreme dictator in your relationship.<P>This is what I said for a long time... now I am in withdrawl, I just know that he very selfish even when he doesn't want to be. It has always been all about him. I am tired now, because I know that he will not change.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by blackeyes:<BR><B>[QUOTE]What he is doing is determined to establish emotional control, trying to establish himself as the supreme dictator in your relationship.<P>This is what I said for a long time... now I am in withdrawl, I just know that he very selfish even when he doesn't want to be. It has always been all about him. I am tired now, because I know that he will not change.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The "Selfish" knock develops when you <I>rewrite your marital history</I> because you've banged your head against the wall so many times and seemingly gotten nowhere. Maybe that will continue to be the case. Maybe not. He may not be what you think he is, you may just be lacking the keys that unlock the magic.<P>No one knows whether he will change, not even him. But if you apply Plan A, Surrendered Wives, the principles contained in Gottman's books, etc.; you might just be surprised.<P>Maybe then you can change your screen name to <B>brighteyes</B><P>

Surrendered Wives, the principles contained in Gottman's books, etc.<P>Please kindly tell me where can I get these books. Thank you.

amazon.com Also, Harley sells his books directly (see the Bookstore button at top of page). Read like your life depended on it. But talk to a live counselor, and post here too.

Blackeyes,<P>I'm glad he's not physically abusive. <P>In your case, I'm not sure how much good Plan A would do. I'm no expert but it seems to me that it might just make him feel more powerful and in control and you may lose yourself along the way. <P>When I started standing up for myself, my stbx became even angrier. (This was after we separated). He hates that I speak my mind. For a long time after he left, I did it, but in a kind and loving way. After so long, I decided that he wasn't the type of person I wanted to be with anyway and I stopped Plan A. Now I'm in a modified Plan B. I don't speak to him unless it's regarding money (or the lack of) or one of the kids are hurt. The less contact I have with him, the better I feel about myself. <P>Good luck!<P>Mitzi