Howdy Partners. I'm back.. With an update!<P>Its taken me a while to figure out whats going on and I had to take some time away from the board to clear things up in my mind, and I think I'm ready to talk abit about it now.<P>Ok, so here goes. <P>As you are aware I file for divorce back in dec. the 29th to be exact. I gave the wife the papers. The STBXW went to see an lawyer and the only changes he recomended were not worth the $75 to get the advice. But I made the changes she requested and resubmitted the papers to her. about a month went by with no action of any type on her part. Finally I basiclly said lets talk about whats going on here so we both can figure out what we want to do. 2 more weeks weent by. No talking. <P>2 weeks ago I said we need to talk about it or I'll will assume the worst and start the clock by having her served by the man. This got her attention, and we set up a time for her to come over to the house on friday nite while the MIL had my daughter. She didn't make it at the sched. time. wanted to come over later in the evening. No show, no call, nothing. Sunday morning came around and I called to get some feedback. she said she wanted to go out and discuss it for an hour at a public place. My reply was that we went from a 4 hour conversation, to a 2 hour conversation, to now having it in public for an hour, and that if what she had to tell me was going to be so upseting that if it had to be done in public we could just do it over the phone. As I felt this a cop out on her part. <P>She at this point said no, that she would come over and we could talk for a couple. <P>She did come over. But it was very hard for her to say anything. I gave absolutely no LB's, I was very understanding and calm. Nothing but smiles on my part.<P>After an hour of her picking at her clothes and not wanting to look at me she finally said " Well you obviously think I need counsuling about my past" and she rolled her eyes back in her head. I said " Yes I do, I think you need it, I need it, and we need it" She said " Well before we try anything to reconcile, we need to work on ourselves apart from each other" I said "I would do anything in my power to get us working again, however I was not going to get involved with tharepy unless I knew in advance WHY we were going to counsuling. I am not prepaired to devote years of my life to a cause that was hopeless from the begining.. I believe myself to be at or at least very close to midlife and unless we both agreed to go after counsuling with the zeal of a duck on a june bug, I ain't into it for recosiling but for recovery. To many promises have been broken in the past and I don't plan to deal with anymore" No reponse, just more picking at her clothes for lint, and pulling on the hairs on her arm. 15 minutes go by without a word. <P>I finally said that "I'll start the show. As I see it we both need happiness, and I have learned a thing or two since you left (1 year ago). I have learn that I cannot MAKE you happy, and you cannot MAKE me happy, We can only take part in the other persons happiness. I can only assist. I cannot MAKE anyone BE happy. I have 3 very basic needs as a husband and provider. 1.) Affection, 2.) acknowledgement, and 3.) I need to be touched. " She said "I don't think I can give you what you want" I said "This has nothing to do with what I want. It has everything to do with what I absolutly need. The three basic need of any human being, And I don't need to have them in rapid fire either. WE could go to counsuling but I need these things very badly". She said "I can't do it" I said "then say the words" What words she asked. I said "I want a Dii????, You will feel so much better after you say it. How do you know she asked. Because I have let go and I can now face it (a Divorce and life w/o you) with a smile and some really good memories. She started tearing up. I gave her a hug and said it was OK. She would be allright with time. She said she would continue with the paperwork, sign them and send them to my lawyer. We both started tearing up aliitle, her more than I. I said that maybe when we are both 70+ years old, and our daughter has grandkids, if we are not married maybe we could take care of each other, you know when we both can't see past our fingertips without coke bottle glasses. she laughed and said that was a good idea. And she got up to leave. <P>And it strikes me now (as I write this note) that even at this last conversation as husband and wife. she never in the 11 years of marriage and even at this conversation said she loved me. not once. <P>Folks let me tell you. This S*cks Big time. <P>And talk about signs. As she got in her car to leave, the next door neighbor pulled her car up and blocked the STBXW in the driveway. got out of her car and ran up to me saying she just got her real estate lic. and if I wanted to sell my house she would cut me a break on the commission. She didn't even know the wife was in her car not 5 feet away.<P>Monday- no signiture, Tuesday-notta, weds, the same. another week went by. and as of last thursday I recieved an e-mail from my lawyer that he had just recieved the signed partition. <P>EXCELLENT!!!!! ;-)***** Yeppeee, YeHaaaa.<P>So all we need to do now is split up the stuff and its over and I can finally get on with my life and with the good graces of the good lord above, I will find someone that can say "I love you" or "Lets make love all night long" Or heck I would be satisfied with "Lets hold hands" <P>I am so happy we are moving on I can't explain. I wish her all the love and happiness anyone could possibly have. Just set me free. <P>I don't plan to date for a while. Don't want to. I want to figure out what ME is!! <P>Woman are coming up to me and introducing themselves all the time, now. And it feels good to be looked at. <P>So much of my live has been sucked out.<P>I want to live so much. (As I write this now, I have a smile on my face, I'm kinda giggling, and I'm crying) Praise the good lord above!!<P>I want to live so much!!!!<P><BR>

Congratulations: You sound great and positive. You made a great comment when you said you want to live and not allow anyone to suck the life out of you. You will be fine.<BR>A new chapter in your life is starting and I know that you will have a wonderful life with <BR>your terrific attitude.

Hi Agoodman....<P>good to hear from you.<P>I can't believe she didn't say she loved you once, in 11 years of marriage. Did I get that right? Wow.<P>If she couldn't/wouldn't fulfil that basic need for you, that recognition that you were the one, well...... I must admit I'm a bit gobsmacked here.<P>If this is what you really want, in order to be able to move on, then good for you. I know for me personally, my divorce was a good thing. It did allow me to move on, or at least take the steps in the right direction and with the right attitude.<P>Take care of you, and don't stay away so long next time.......<P>Jo

Since it's already been a year, I am glad that the both of you are reaching a resolution. I don't know where it goes from here. None of us do. <P>For me, I now have the kind of life you are looking forward to. But with a bittersweet sense of what was lost. And vacillating feelings toward the XW, who is now reversing the pattern of her <I>pursuing</I> me for things by demanding through her attorney that <I>I</I> quit trying to make contact with her (long story, but basically she's <I>predictably</I> angry at something tangentially related to the marriage that <I>I</I> had to follow my conscience and <I>do</I>, plus I think she's not happy about having to come up with about $5,000 ... we've both been slack about finishing up details, but the bottom line is they must be done). <P>If I had any bit of advice it would be to push yourself and her hard to finish up details so that they don't fester, or change their shape in your minds so that you are at odds.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited February 27, 2001).]

I know you've been holding out hope that she might work on the marriage. And I know that hope dies hard. It's also very sad when people have major life damaging events occur and never go and deal with them.<P>But I do hope that you find healing in having the discussion and in moving on with the things that have to be done now. <P>It's a terrible thing to feel that your life is being sucked out. I've been there. And I know it's wonderful when the hemoragging stops and the healing begins. God bless you.<BR>

bonnet:<P>See never did. And other things I can count on my left hand and only part of my right!!! If ya catch my drift..<P>If she couldn't/wouldn't fulfil that basic need for you, that recognition that you were the one, well...... I must admit I'm a bit gobsmacked here.<P>Yipper, de Dupper. It was a year after the marriage before we even consumated it. I am so glad it comming to an end!!.<P>Jo[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

<BR>I'm happy and sad for you. <P>You have some closure.<P>I hope she gets the help she needs.<P>~Amy

I am happy for you, and although my situation different, I like to see someone who is happy about starting a new chapter in their life. I want to reconcile with my H, that, I'm starting to really see, is not possible. So I hope to see things like you, and soon. <BR>Divorce sucks!!!!!! I know, but, there is a plan for us. I am happy for your great, positive, attitude. Keep it up!!!!