Well, it just breaks my heart. My daughter will be 4 in April and is just<BR>having such a hard time right now. She sometimes cries when my x leaves or<BR>when I leave her at the lady's home who has taken care of her since she was<BR>a baby but last night she was so upset when my x left that she couldn't<BR>catch her breath and kept saying through her sobs, I want Daddy to come<BR>back, I want him to come back. I kept trying to calm her down and tell her<BR>it was ok and then she just got so upset she clenched her teeth and fists<BR>and just pounded on my chest in total frustration. I have never seen her so<BR>upset. I told her we could watch some videos with Daddy on tv and she liked<BR>seeing herself and everyone on tv and was fine after that. But, then my 6 year old daughter started saying she hated divorce and why did it happen. Why didn't I<BR>fight it? Ugh! I think that maybe my x is hanging around too much at my<BR>house when he comes to visit and the girls feel like they have their family<BR>back and then when he goes to leave, reality sets in. So, maybe he<BR>shouldn't come in at all when he comes to visit the girls and should take<BR>them out instead. Who knows!<P>I have an appt. with a child psychologist on Thursday. They had seemed to be adjusting so well until now. It's been a year now. I just want some reassurance or guidance from the psychologist that our visitation schedule is right for the two girls. We have 50-50 custody and the girls are with their Dad on Tues and Thursdays and everyother weekend.<BR>My sister in law thinks that is too much back and forth between parents and<BR>maybe we should do a week on/week off schedule with some visits from the<BR>other parent during the week. Then, others will tell me my schedule is just<BR>fine. I finally decided I need for a professional to tell me what to do.<P>I know that all of you have been through the same or much worse scenarios.<BR>I just hate this! Thanks for letting me vent and if you have any words of<BR>wisdom, let me know. Or, just say lots of prayers.<P>Thanks,<P>Jennifer<BR>

Jennifer,<P>Thanks for responding to mine.<P>At least your little one is expressing her emotions. I think I'd give her a pillow or stuffed animal to hit, hold her and cry. Let both of us just cry it out of us.<P>We had one night of 'daddy don't go' --- and his visits to the house became drop-offs only. He couldn't deal with them.<P>With the way he's avoiding me, I think that either he hates me, or he's trying to convince himself that he's doing the right thing....when he really is still in love with me, just very very confused.<P>I just ordered a book 'It's not your fault Koko bear'. It's a picture book that I'm hoping will help our daughter start talking about her emotions. <P>I noticed that there's a lot of books about divorced daddies and kids, kids asking moms 'where's daddy', but not too many about little kids and dealing with the variety of emotions.<P>I don't want a divorce. I am fighting it the best I can. But Texas is a no fault state. And I had to counter-file in order to protect myself.<P>I have to agree with you ---- I hate the whole thing.<P>~Amy

Jen,<BR>Sorry to hear you are having problems with the kids.<P>I thought the way you have it set up was great. My x had mentioned the couple weeks on and a couple weeks off with the kids a long time ago but so far hasn't said anything. I did mention this to my counselor but she didn't think it was that good of an idea. The kids just start getting settled in and then its time to go to the other parents.<P>We do the once a week overnites, very few just visits unless shopping with daughter is involved, and every other weekend which is usually Sat and a majority of the Sin nites but it depends upon her schedule. I don't think she has had them for more than 2 nites in a row since she left in July 99.<P>The problem with the once a week, is that the kids don't like unpacking their bags if they are going back in a few days. The bags sit around for a few days or someone needs clothes washed all of a sudden and it drives me nuts and them I am nagging them about leaving the bags around and not cleaning them out.<P>I think you are wise to seek the counselor's input as they will now best what the kids need.<P>I am know dealing with a monster I created. I allowed my daughter to go one night to a "Neighborhood Bar & Grille, " Applebys.<P>Nonw she wantsn to go every weekend and hang out with her friends that are allowed to go there, which seems to be all of them.<P>I said no to her going this weekend and of course she went ballastic and I got the "I hate you" routine. I may be crazy But I don't want my 13yo daughter hanging out at a bar. I don't think it sends the right impression plus what will she do for "fun" once she is 16 and I do feel more comfortable with her going to aplace like this.<P>All I can do is hope her mother backs me up on this. I did discuss with her last week and she semi-agreed. I don't know what will happen when d asks her again.

Jenn,<P>it is impossible to explain to the kids, and have them just accept it. and I think that having dad in your house alot, other than just drop off is not good, but that making sure that the dad is in the picture is important. One sentiment that the kids got from me was that i still loved their mom, even though we are separate. Now, that helped them in that there is hardly any anger shown to them, so they just think that D happens when people argue alot, I guess. Not sure, but not going to get them all worked up about it. <P>We did have christmas day together, and X said that she wanted that as the first christmas apart, but i hardly talked with her, was pleasant, and played with the kids as much as i could.<P>Now, our kids are older, so there is much more cognitive awareness, but my 9 yo did say that D was ok in that she saw me alot, and that X and I spend time with the kids individually and are together at sporting and educational events, and are very reasonable and respectful of each other. Basically, although it was much earlier than i had anticipated, i would not have stayed married to her after the kids were away at college. So it is far more acceptable to me than yours is to you. (took me awhile to get through the understanding of it, but my mom, a nurse tells me, she is very weird!)<P>although the 12 yo boy is not as perceptive, more judger, he has lost interest in school comparatively, although X just blames me for pushing too hard. He rebels against my questioning, etc.<P>It is very tough. If your X is completely out of the picture, then there is sense of complete abandonment, which i think is more detrimental. Now, my X locked me out of her new house, so that the kids were excited about a new house, and I don't venture in except if I am invited, or X isn't home when i drop them off. The house is huge, (employer provided) so don't get any weird ideas, it is actually not my idea of a good place to live, but it is strictly for the X's convenience of walking to work.<P>There is/was no sense of dad ever in the house, but X appeases them with sleeping them sleeping in her bed. I don't particularly care for that arrangement, since 9 yo d keeps asking me if I mind sleeping alone at night.<P>But each of our places are ours, without the effect of the other parent, the rules are different, and if any of the kids need to talk or see the other parent, then they just get on the phone and call.<P>However, when i explained the separation to the kids, there was no other person in the picture in front of the kids. I explained that marriage and divorce are legal terms, not love terms, and I have answered all their questions honestly, but we have not explained the expectation of marriage, forever, etc.<BR>Also, I do not want to tell them when the D is final for awhile, so that when they find out, it won't have been any different than when we were separated and married.<P>However, there will come a time when i will have to explain to them what my expectations are about marriage, and what they should thnk about, before they decide to do something stupid.<P>It was sort of funny, but at disney last week, we ate dinner at Cinderella's castle, and during our dinner, there were two engagements announced. The 9 yo d who loves the thought of kissing, was not very excited about the couple at the adjacent table to us getting married, when i asked her if it would be her one day.<P>so i think minimizing the time in the house together is key, explaining legal versus love terms, explaining that dad and mom are very different, and that not showing them anger towards the other parent is very important.<BR>It is important to emphasis that you can't make other's love you if they don't want to, and that is important. You have to be yourself.<P>Now maybe we had such a sucky marriage in the kids eyes, that they readily accept the D as inevitable, i don't know. and maybe i really am a bad husband, but our kids are doing ok under the current scenario of which i spoke above. Although i don't envision them doing well going to college, (leaving her little nest) and in hgh school, rebellious stage. But i won't give up on them.<P>I hope this helps, probably not, but just to let you know it will get better as they get older.<P>tom<BR>

I have to disagree about it getting better as they get older. Our 5 year old is the only one who isn't suffering any obvious ill effects yet - she doesn't remember her father ever living at home. It is true that the oldest kids have never asked him to come home - but then again they want nothing to do with him, and one of them hasn't spoken to him since the night he left two years ago. The younger kids were doing much, much better when my H was spending a lot of time with them in our house when he first left than once he started refusing to spend time with them here. They do not understand why he will not come into the house (apparently per order of the OW). They do not understand why they can't show him anything that is important to him unless they can bring it outside. They do not understand why when he comes to pick up a subset of them, he will only greet or talk to the others if they come outside, no matter what the weather. When our daughter was sick with a fever she got up and stood in front of the open door in the middle of winter to get a hug from him. They did not understand why he would stop spending the evening with them, and only spend the 1.5 hours it takes to take them to McD's. <P>You can't have it both ways. You can't love and depend on someone the way a child normally does on his or her father, and have them ok with him being a part-time dad.

Thanks for the replies.<P>It is so sad that our kids have to deal with this because we weren't able to grow up and work things out. <P>I went to a group counseling session tonight and was told that it was a good thing that my child was expressing her emotions and not holding it inside. So, it is a good thing for my child to be expressing her anguish over not being able to have her parents together. What a terrible thing. I want my child to be expressing other things at this age. Not uncontrollable sobs and anguish. <P>I'm told that it will get better in time. Well, I hate being in the meantime. <P>Hopefully, on Thursday, I will be able to figure out a plan that is best for my kids so we can get through all of this as best we can. <P>Sorry for all the negativity! But, when my kids are down, I'm very down.<P>Jen<BR>

Nellie,<P>I don't think your XH actions are typical of a caring father. I think his actions are very different from fathers who want to stay involved, and that is what the kids don't understand. For the life of me, i can't understand your X's actions either, and i don't blame your kids for their reactions, as I would have some very negative reactions also.<P>But with involved dads, the D acceptance appears to be easier with kids, because of the reduction in sensation of abandonment.<BR>Now that doesn't mean there aren't other issues, just that is a very big issue, and with abandonment, sometimes the kids will think or perceive that they are the cause, regardless of the attempts to nurture otherwise.<P>D is not easy, not natural, and certainly not progressive in promoting good future family values in our kids. I have yet to get to that discussion with my kids, when they are old enough to understand!<P>tom