It's been a little while since I've been in here - I've been trying to put my wife behind me and try and get on with things. Question: My wife has surgery scheduled to remove a benign lump from her neck on Friday - probably will be in hospital for 3 or 4 days minimum - what do I do? Part of me wants to just kind of ignore her and what she is having done - then she will see for sure that I am ready to put her behind me. However, another part of me wants to show her that I am still her friend and even though I don't want her as my wife any longer, that I do still care about what happens to her. Should I offer to take her to the hospital? Should I visit or call her while she is there? Should I send flowers and/or a card? Should I just make sure the kids have a chance to see and talk to her and leave it at that??<P>[This message has been edited by rich1959 (edited February 28, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by rich1959 (edited February 28, 2001).]

I always took pride in being the mature, pleasant person in any relationship.<P>If you are now divorced...everything is legaly clear, I believe it is perfectly mature and O.K. to send her a card and flowers wishing her well. After all, she is the mother of your children and wouldn't you like her to do the same if it was you?.. I think you might... <P>I don't recommend going to see her alone... if you want to see her you should go with the kids.. the flowers and the card together as a family. After all you will be bonded to her for life because of your kids.<P>Cheers!

Rich,<P>What would you do if it was a close friend of yours that was going through this? Even in spite of all the bad that has happened to your marriage, isn't she still someone special to you? I mean how many people do we marry in one life-time? One, two maybe???<P>I say yes to ALL of your questions. Go the extra mile - not because she deserves it, but because she was once your wife.<P>But that is just me.<P>I'm sure you will do what is right for you...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Just to fill you in for those who don't know - she and I are separated for two months. We have been separated 3 times in the last 4 years (she left each time)She had a brief affair, but seems to continue to look for other men to console her ever since. It looks like only one direction for us now - too much stuff has happened in the past that we can't let go of. It's hard for me to see us ever being back together again - I am willing (with conditions regarding her behaviour), but she is not so willing, thinks that nothing will be any different.<P>Thanks for your advice!

Rich,<P>It doesn't look like you are totally over her yet. I recommend that you start becoming a little bit of an actor...<P>You have made your decision and so has she. She obviously is looking for something that you do not have to give... I believe that only she can give to herself.<P>The part that you must play now, is that of a confident, peacefull, caring, tranquile ex-husband who is going on with his life. <P>Cheers.<P><BR>

Rich1959,<BR>I agree with the majority here. I know if it were me in the hospital, I would welcome anyone that offered support during such a tough time! Go visit her! I'm sure she will be happy to see you despite the hard times (hopefully)! I cannot predict what would happen but she 'is' the mother of your children. I think that it would also send a very positive message to them by seeing you put forth the effort to keep things on the level with her. Believe me, they will appreciate that! <P>So if the only reason you do it is for the kids, which it is likely not, I would have to say that is a darn good one! They need to be able to see that mom and dad can still work through tough times when needed. It will model to them that people can still get along and support eachother even when they don't always agree with eachother--something that most of us have to do on a daily basis. <P>Best wishes to you and her!!

Well, just wanted to let you know what happened after your sound advice. I did go and see her in the hospital with the kids each evening for three days - I also sent a nice plant with the card reading "From your family". I called most days to see how she was doing, and I even offered her a ride to the hospital, but she had made other arrangements with a friend. I also asked if she needed a ride home from the hospital, and also told her that if she wanted to stay with me and the kids at my house until she was feeling better, that she was welcome. She thanked me, but declined my offer. So, I don't know how what I have done will affect anything, if at all - but I guess I did do what I felt I should do - and what was right.

You did very well. You can be proud of yourself.