Hope & NSR (Jim),<P>Your postings head in the direction of what I've been seeing in the Bible.<P>There's something that I've been wanting to talk with my Pastor about, but he's an interim pastor --- I'm really not that comfortable going to him.<P>Maybe the two of you and others can help me with this:<P>During our marriage, about four years ago, with the consent and participation of my husband, I did have sexual relations with another man. It went on for quite some time --- maybe half a year. <P>It ended, my husband said that he forgave me, we went on to have a baby, buy a house, car, etc.<P>Because of the time that has lapsed and the involvement/consent of my husband..... he can't accuse me of adultery for legal purposes. Also because he 'forgave' me.<P>But he is saying that my relationship with the other man is one of the reasons that he is divorcing.<P><BR>In the Bible it says that a woman committing adultery is one of the reasons that a man may divorce a woman ---- the only reason.<P>How does forgiveness play in around this?<P>I want to think that forgiveness isn't something that you can take back. But I've read passages that speak of man's imperfection where forgiveness is concerned.<P>I'm feeling horrible about all this. It's my own personal hell. <P>I know I'm looking for comfort. For someone to say that it's all ok. <P>I know that God forgives me. I guess what I'm really wanting is either my husband's for giveness, and to have him come home; or for someone to tell me that it's not my fault; that he can't take back his forgiveness.<P>Can anyone help?

In my opinion there are two issues here:<P>1. You say that he participated and agreed to having a third partner in your relationship. Now is that true or not? Did he also participate in this relationship o do you mean that he said.. O.K. you may sleep with another guy?<P>2. Now in the case that he agreed to you having a relationship with another man, why is now not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming it all on you?<P><BR>

{{{out of the fog}}},<P>You can only rely 100% on God's forgiveness...<P>All forgiveness from our spouses, children, parents... is imperfect...<BR>...with God... it is perfect.<P>Don't rely on the forgiveness you're <B>not</B> getting from your H...<BR>...he is, more than apparently, a lost individual (hopefully not too long... but you never know).<P>You made a choice in the past...<BR>...it wasn't the right choice...<P>...hey... we all make wrong choice...<BR>...(and I can't exclude myself from a good number of whoppers)...<P>...but...<BR>...most importantly you asked for forgiveness...<BR>...and be calmed in knowing... He has given it!<P>Have some peace...<BR>...you are loved!<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by blackeyes:<BR><B>In my opinion there are two issues here:<P>1. You say that he participated and agreed to having a third partner in your relationship. Now is that true or not? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes. He knew every step of the way about a developing relationship with the other man. He never stopped it, we talked about it, he never had a problem with it. I specifically asked him about whether it could become sexually intimate. He verbally agreed, and even left the room because I was very uncomfortable with the situation.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Did he also participate in this relationship or do you mean that he said.. O.K. you may sleep with another guy?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He participated. Nothing homosexual. But it was not unusual for us to all be together. There were also times when I and the other man were alone, or they'd take turns. <P>I'll also add --- the other man knew that this was only temporary, nothing permanent. He knew/knows that I love my husband (I was forced to get back in touch with him because of the divorce - witness stuff). <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>2. Now in the case that he agreed to you having a relationship with another man, why is now not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming it all on you?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Because he is having an affair......without my consent. It developed in secret. Rather than coming to me and being open and honest the way I had been with him, he hid it.<P>~Amy

Amy,<P>You say you know you were wrong for what you did - I say you, because it was you who was having the relationship, not your husband. Sure he has some blame for knowing about it and giving his consent (how he could do that I have no idea in the world!), but I think you confuse consequences with forgiveness.<P>God will always, always forgive us for our mistakes. But, He won't necessarily take away the consequences of our actions. Just as when a mother tells a child not to touch the stove, "its hot and you'll get burned", the child goes ahead and does it anyway. The child gets burned and cries. The mother may be a little upset, but when the child comes to her for comfort, she holds him and forgives him. BUT the child is still burned and that she has no control over. It is a learning experience for him.<P>I don't judge you for what you did in the past, but what you did was wrong in God's eyes. You broke the bond of marriage for sexual gratification. Without knowing the whole story, I believe (my own opinion) that your marriage took a huge "hit" when this situation all occured. While your husband may have forgiven you, I think that maybe he never "forgot". Or his forgiveness was not true.<P>In either case, you are stuck in the consequences of a bad choice (we all have been there). God loves you and He wants you and your husband to reconcile, BUT I really think that you and your husband need to address your relationship and yourselves first. God maybe giving you both this time to do just that.<P>Finally, just because you are honest about an affair, does not in anyway ever make it OK in God's eyes. For you did not just make your vows to each other, you made your vows to God. It sounds like you think your husband is wrong because he hid the affair, while it was OK because you told him about yours - While that may be agreeable to you both (or maybe not looking at the situation you are currently in), God does not see it that way.<P>Amy, I am in no way trying to attack you - I know you probably feel bad enough. I think that you just need to remember that consequences and forgiveness are two different things and once you choose to NOT walk in God's light, the consequences are almost never good...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Dear out of the fog:<P>Hmm., I think now I understand what is going on. However, your husband consented and participated in a third partner relationship.HE AGREED TO IT!!! HE IS NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR BRAKING ALONG WITH YOU A MAJOR TRUST IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You are both guilty of braking that trust. You for aksing if bringing a third partner was O.K. and he for participating. A MUTUAL FORGIVNESS IS NECESSARY HERE... Why are you so rapped up on this "he forgave me deal"? Have you forgiving him for not being your "protector" in this marriage and knowinly allowing you "burn". HE COULD HAVE SAID, HEY ARE YOU CRAZY?... We need to talk to counselor or something like that?<P>wHAT IS HAPPENING HERE IS THAT HE IS HAVING AND AFFAIR and he will try to now blame it all on you since YOU brought up the idea of a third partner. He is trying to get away without blame. THIS WHOLE FORGIVNESS STUFF FROM HIM IS BS. There needs to be EQUAL ACKNOWLEDMENT THAT YOU BOTH BROKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TRUST. Now you have seen the damage and need to 'ACCEPT REPSONSIBILITY".<BR><B> Because he is having an affair......without my consent. It developed in secret. Rather than coming to me and being open and honest the way I had been with him, he hid it.<P>~Amy</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by blackeyes:<BR><B>HE AGREED TO IT!!! HE IS NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR BRAKING ALONG WITH YOU A MAJOR TRUST IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You are both guilty of braking that trust. ....... A MUTUAL FORGIVNESS IS NECESSARY HERE... Why are you so rapped up on this "he forgave me deal"? Have you forgiving him for not being your "protector" in this marriage and knowinly allowing you "burn". HE COULD HAVE SAID, HEY ARE YOU CRAZY?... We need to talk to counselor or something like that?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Blackeyes --- You have touched on something here. Prior to my other relationship, friends of my husband had told me that I had no business voicing my opinions on issues and other things. I told my husband, he agreed with them and had told me to butt out. <P>I was devastated. My own husband had told me that my opinions and beliefs did not matter. That <B>I</B> did not matter.<P>After that, it spread to everything. Because the people that he respected most did not respect me ---- he did not respect me. When I should have been the one he respected most.<P>No, I haven't forgiven him for not being my knight in shining armor. I haven't because he hasn't asked for that forgiveness, and he has continued to treat me the same way. Even this very morning on the phone......no consideration for me, even though I go out of my way to consider him.<P>And I don't want my daughter being ran over the way that he has ran me over.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>wHAT IS HAPPENING HERE IS THAT HE IS HAVING AND AFFAIR and he will try to now blame it all on you since YOU brought up the idea of a third partner. He is trying to get away without blame. THIS WHOLE FORGIVNESS STUFF FROM HIM IS BS. There needs to be EQUAL ACKNOWLEDMENT THAT YOU BOTH BROKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TRUST. Now you have seen the damage and need to 'ACCEPT REPSONSIBILITY".<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>When I was pregnant, he left those 'friends'. Things were fine. Things were good. But he went back to them and the problems started all over again. <P>And he just can't see it. He says that it's all my fault....but I haven't even been associating with his 'buddies'. How could it be my fault when HE is the one that was withdrawing and withholding affection, when he was the one spending time with them, when he was the one that didn't want to spend time alone, together.<P>I missed my husband long before he left our home. <P>~Amy