Firstly, Thank you to all of you who advise me to read the books of a "Surrendered Woman" and Dr. Harley's books.<P>Now, I understand the concepts, and I am able to to do it. Obviously not without difficulty but I am a goal oriented person and I will get it done! HOWEVER, please give me your opinion on the following:<P>* He will not stop drinking everyday... by the way he hardly ever looks drunk.. he just gets tough and "everybody is a problem" kind of attitude. He has about 4-5 beers every night.<BR>* Ever since I have known him, he has debt. He seems to have a plan now to take care of that. During this time, as he has done before he will not be able to contribute to any of the things that I WANT AROUND THE HOUSE. He claims he has needed his money for his business tools etc. After almost 9 years of him not having money I'm tired and I don't know if I can put up with this.<P>We need to add a patio, need new windows and front doors. If I want these things I will have to pay for them. Now while he does not give money to buy anything he does do a lot of the work installing it. He also, gives me a lot of grieve for not buying what he wants. For example: I wanted a big patio that would show off our home. He firstly wanted to put a sun room in front of the house through the only bedroom that I use for myself and my clothes. I said no, because that is basically the only room where I can be Me!! Then he wanted a small pool infront of the house! Where the main entrance is.. where the patio should be going. I finally said that he could do whatever he wanted but that I wasn't<BR>going to pay for it.<BR>FINAL RESULT: NOTHING GOT DONE...<BR> <BR>I can have a perfect civil conversation with him and even be kind and laugh, yet the issues are still there and the bottom line is that my living environment is important to me and I have lost faith that things will change.<P>Please tell me what you thoughts.<P>

First, even the author of Surrendered wives states that the principles do not apply when alcohol, philandering or other irresponsible behavior exists. And, Harley also states that Plan A cannot accomplish much of your spouse has a problem with alcohol.<P>I think you'd be much better served by starting with a book on bounbdaries...such as Boundaries In Marriage by Townsend and Cloud. There is also a thread going on boundaries on this forum, under the study group bb...<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Here's the link... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000588.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000588.html</A>

There is another post you might want to check out...<BR>...it's not in line with everything I personally agree with...<P>...but it is good... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html" TARGET=_blank>The Misapplication of Plan A</A>.<P> <P>Jim