Hello everyone, I've been gone from this board for about a year but need you badly. <P>Here's a quick overview. My H walked out abruptly in 9/99 leaving me with our 10 month old son. He didn't want to work on the marriage (no OW) and was angry and distant. After 6 months, he filed for D and devastated me. Then started a nasty legal battle, mostly over our son (he suddenly wanted custody). <P>Our final court date was set and I was getting on with my life - bingo - he breaks down, wants to try again. The D is put on hold. Emotionally I'm wrung out but we've been counseling and doing fairly well. He even planned a family trip for us the end of this month. He is still living in his basement apt but talked of coming home - I'm cautious.<P>Now it's hit - his mother!! The minute she became aware of the planned trip and how things were going well, she planned a trip to visit (from CA, we're in MN). The stipulation is that my H take our son and drive her down to Iowa to visit his grandma - I'm not invited. (as a side note, my H has not had one overnight with our son for a full year, separate story, anxiety related).<P>I had shown him the POJA, explained how well it could work for us but now he thinks it's an unrealistic way to live. This isn't about just this one trip, it's about his view that I'm being silly to feel my exclusion is damaging to our relationship, it's about the fact that he sees no problem in his family excluding me from functions due to THEIR feeling uncomfortable. <P>I have "extended the olive branch" and offered any overtures that would make his family accept our marriage but just how does one live with a situation like this?? <P>On top of this huge hurdle, instead of acting loving and mature, he walked out without telling me he was leaving the other night - just took his movie and went home like a spoiled little child??<P>Is there any hope for this situation?? I feel like I've certainly been accepting of someone that would be this hurtful. I've taken my share of comments that someone who is gone a year and a half doesn't deserve a second chance. Am I nuts to make this a possible 3rd??? HELP!!! Our counselor is going out of town and we're not speaking!

Well, since you're not yet back together it's hard to hold him to POJA. <P>But marriage is <I>tough</I> when parents still hold apron-strings, and it's apparent that <I>mommy dearest</I> is wielding a <I>large</I> monkey-wrench. <P>He needs to know that he needs to choose between <I>you</I> and <I>his mother</I>. Because so long as she can do things like this, you don't have a <I>marriage</I>, you have a live-in relationship with someone who is not 100% loyal to you, and who can be yanked out of there by your in-laws at any moment for any reason--or for no reason at all. <P>If he wants to get mad and walk out of your place, that's not a reason to be terribly upset with him. <P>But if he can't bring himself to tell mama to stay home and out of <I>your</I> (plural) trip, then it's <I>your</I> (singular) turn to cut him off. Plan B baby. And if you control the child--well, the kid's going <B>nowhere</B>.

Thank you sisyphus, I need the support. The hardest part about all this is that HE see's no problem with mommy's monkey wrench. He sees me as intruding on the trip his mom wanted him to take (guess that makes it the trip he wants to take too).<P>I've said he can go but just not take our 2 yr old. I've said I will go and stay at a hotel, I've said we can drive down and visit grandma another time, he go and enjoy the visit. Basically, if it's not his way, it's the highway and I'm insecure (ok, who wouldn't be when he walked out while I was in the park with our son - he's been gone a year and a half).<P>That's why I was miffed that he walked out when this topic got heated - it's a pattern of running away from the complexities of life.<P>As far as controlling our son, no he doesn't have overnights but if this goes down the drain, he may by then and I won't have any say in where he takes him. <P>What bothers me is the un-loving way he (we both) are dealing with this issue. Instead of a loving - lets talk to the counselor and we'll get through it - it's a heated battle with lots of blood - Is there any hope for a relationship where the arguments hit below the belt?? It has to stop!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LisaMac:<BR><B>That's why I was miffed that he walked out when this topic got heated - it's a pattern of running away from the complexities of life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Flooding? Do you know what it is? If not, then go look at some books by John Gottman. He <I>should</I> walk out on an argument when he feels like it. Perhaps even <I>before</I>. But only for a half hour. <P>Who do you think can handle a distressing conversation better -- men or women? It's not a trick question because you've already <I>lived</I> the answer. <P>Chances are mommy knows him so well she can use his flooding to her <I>advantage</I>. At will. <P>Your first task is to get a handle on this flooding so that you can maintain dialogue long enough to get your point across and hear his point and work toward a resolution.