Well, as some of you know I am going through plan A right now.<P>The problem is that I can do plan A without a problem and so can my Husband. We are pleasant and nice. Until anything is mentioned regarding "honey I want to take a vacation with you to re-spark our love" Would you think about a vacation? <P>We have a great ability for being pleasant and act as if nothing is happening... which is what he likes. However as soon as mentioned anything that I want done around the house, a vacation or any future plans he is upset or I don't get any response from him. The truth is that I'm tired of this. I want to live, have my beautiful home the way I wanted because my environment is important to me and someone who is basically "the win behind my wings"<P>Would Plan A work if and when the core of how each partner wants to live their life is different?<P><BR>I look forward to yours thoughs.<P>

Negative thought patterns can develop around things that men <I>would</I> be willing to do. Gottman's work shows that <I>men</I> flood emotionally when discussions are going in a direction they don't want to go; and men have <I>little</I> real understanding that they need to hang in with such conversations. They just get defensive or stonewall, and you criticize or show contempt. Why spend time trying to figure out which is chicken or egg?--you're both doing wrong.<P>Frontal, direct, discussions about your needs in this regard will therefore be unavailing unless he and you both understand this. <P>Some men hate to plan things. But they <I>can</I> learn. Sometimes it's as simple as discomfort that doing one thing forecloses doing another. So <I>nothing</I> gets done. The bottom line is you don't know what's going on, and you <I>shouldn't</I> conclude that he is intentionally resistant. <P>Sometimes a weekend marital workshop helps. Sometimes just doing the exercises in some of the marital workbooks, etc. <P>I'm of a mind that the drinking problem is not too serious ... 4-5 a night is <I>not</I> really a good thing, but it's a "why not cut down?" more than a "you need to go to AA" type problem. Unless there's no cooperation. Would it help you to muster the facts and figures regarding the health risks of drinking? <P>I'd say stay pleasant. It's better than being unpleasant. And work on subtlety, indirection, and roadblock-circumventing strategies for the travel and home improvement. Y'know, the stuff women are <I>supposed</I> to be good at.

I just heard something on Dr. Laura that may be apropos for your husband to hear: "If you're willing to stretch, you'll have better things in your life."

Sisyphus - I woke up dreaming about you and your multitude of comments about men and flooding. Thanks for this but I don't feel like I fully understand this but I feel this is a MAJOR issue with my husband so can you describe this more... maybe on a separate thread all on it's own. I'm particularly interested in your take on navigating the way through flooding... <P>Blackeyes... there is something behind his outbursts... underneath anger and anxiety are usually one of three things: hurt, frustration or fear. Can you identify anything in these three states that your husband may be dealing with? Also, it sounds like he's a slow processor - so talking about your wants may be too big of a step at this point. Is there someway you could break it down into say three conversations to reveal your true desires? I'd say something very vague first - "gosh, Hawaii would be nice right now..." (test the water - his response). Then wait a day or more. Then think of what HE likes and places HE likes to go that also would fulfill your needs to "spark your love" - like is he into boating or skiing or whatever and say, "we should check into going to xxx event! That could be fun!" And then day 4-5 if he's been receptive up to this point, and accepts a smooch or hug from you, speak in his language, flirting with a romantic vacation.<P>Have you read the book "Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman? It's very enlightening:<BR>1) gifts<BR>2) acts of service<BR>3) words of encouragement<BR>4) time and attention<BR>5) touch<P>Which one of these does your husband most respond to? Even if it's different from yours, try it. And by all means, avoid disrespectful judgments or angry outburst or selfish demands on your part...(LBing)!<P>All the best... <BR><P>------------------<BR>Freedom is doing what you like - Happiness is liking what you do.

Sisyphus,<P>I respectfully disagree with idea that four or five drinks a night is not a problem.<P>Father Joseph Martin puts it very succinctly: "If drinking alcohol causes problems, alcohol is the problem." What I would ask you to do is not to focus on the number of drinks, but rather the effect of the drinking on the drinker and those around him. Alcoholism is a family disease.<P>Alcoholism is a progressive disease. One of the early symptons is an increased tolerance for alcohol. Better than even chance the liver is enlarging. After a while those liver cells begin to explode and the injury gets replaced by scar tissue. That hardens the liver, tightens the blood flow passages, results in reduced metabolism of alcohol, and a reduced tolerance for alcohol.<P>The daily drinking is certainly a warning sign. Basically, people drink alcohol to make them feel good. Daily drinking is at least an indication that he is medicating his feelings with alcohol.<P>That doesn't necessarily mean that he is an alcholic, maybe he is just a problem drinker. A problem drinker is the same as an alcoholic, except that he makes over $125,000.00 a year. <P>Been there, done that, got a Tee shirt and a hat.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B>I respectfully disagree with idea that four or five drinks a night is not a problem.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I respectfully cavil that you're misquoting me.<P>