I'm new here. I hope to find some comfort and friends to help me with this mess I find myself in. After reading all the stuff on this website, it's a shame I didn't find it sooner.<P>My husband had an affair that began at the beginning of 1999. He confessed to me at our first counseling session. I cannot say without reservation that I am certain he is still not seeing this person. If not her, well then it's got to be someone else. We have not been sexually intimate since I found out. I just can't forget what he did and how much it's angered me. I am on medication to help with my depression. Something I never had until this was brought to light. In many respects, I wish he had never told me. I could have remain blissfully ignorant.<P>For the past several weeks he has been pursuing the Divorce conversations. He told me last night he no longer wants to be married. He is miserable. I am miserable. I did not meet his needs and I take full responsibility for that. He worked two jobs while I had the luxury of staying home. I'm not a very domestic type person. Now he wants out. And I am having a very difficult time with these conversations. I don't want to go there. Last night, I took off and left for several hours. He started the conversation about divorce again today. I left again. I know running away won't make this issue go away. I just don't want a divorce. How do I deal with this seemingly one sided desire of getting divorced? We've been married 18 years and and have two kids. I'm afraid.<P>

I just began writing tonight too, and I wanted you to know that I read this and I am so very sorry for your pain.<P>You sound so depressed still. How long have you been taking your medication? Also, are you seeing a therapist together still? Maybe you could stop running for a little while and discuss the possible divorce in front of the counselor, where it is safe for you to do so.<P>Don't fall into the "ignorance is bliss" trap. Honest is what you need, no matter how painful. That's one thing you'll see around here if you read much at all. The Harley material talks a whole lot about being completely honest in your marriage. If your husband wouldn't have told you about his affair then you would have known that something was wrong and tried to fix it without knowing what it was. You could have made things worse. The honesty is a good thing.<P>Read the articles here and take care of your health, especially that depression. You can only work on your marriage if you are strong and healthy.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*

Thanks for your response Statue. So, my husband scores brownie points for being honest about having an affair? Geezz that was over a year ago. We have been to (2) separate counselors, both have told us we should get a divorce. I guess I never thought going to a "marriage counselor" to work things out would in some way give my husband the validation he needed to proceed with a divorce. <P>I'm very hurt and angry about this path we're on. How does one "mend" a broken relationship when only one of the partnership wants to? In my husbands mind, he's already been to divorce court, divided our property and moved on. The only thing missing is the paperwork.<P>I hope and need to hear from others who have gone through this ordeal. None of my circle of friends have been divorced or show signs of an unhealthy marriage. I feel so ashamed and out of place. I really need support.

I don't know if the counselors you saw were members of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists - but if so, telling you that you should divorce is a violation of their code of ethics and grounds for filing a complaint.

Lopsided,<P>you need to make an appointment with one of the Harleys, or with Michelle WarnerDavis, of divorcebusting.com. forget the local counselors, if you don't want D, don't agree to it.<P>get GOOD professinal help with the harley's. find the info here and get on the phone, not just for your marriage, but for you.<P>BTW, once you figure out that you can't run away from yourself, except through a lobotomy, your only method of recovery, D or not, is through good solid counseling.<P>hey, it may not be too late!<P>call and make a first appoint just for yourself to find out if it is too late or not!<P>

Thanks for the replies Nellie and WIFTT. Unknown to me, the last counselor we went to was also a divorce mediator. Somehow that seems like that would be a conflict of interest. Sort of like if you can't help the couple with the marriage problems, you can still bill them for mediating a divorce. What a scam!<P>I agree, I do need counseling for myself to help deal with a divorce that seems to be heading my way. It doesn't matter if I agree to it or not. No fault State so you can basically leave your spouse for any reason or no reason at all. <P>My heart is breaking. I still wish he'd show some sigh that there is still a glimmer of hope.

Lopsided,<P>Let me get this straight. You aren't meeting any of your H's needs. You cannot forgive him (or at least have not), and it seems that you LB from time to time. BUT you don't want a divorce.<P>Let me ask you something, what are you willing to do to avoid a divorce, besides run away and wish it won't happen? You see if you meet his needs, and perhaps you didn't do a very good job of doing that before his affair, it is unlikely that he would be willing to come back to the marriage and deal with the his own failings as well as yours.<P>So, I would like to second, third, whatever, that you talk with one of the Harleys. Further, that you consider the possibility that your marriage can be saved, but it will require somehow convincing your H that it is worth his while to come back.<P>You see no matter who is at fault, who did what to whom, when, the bottom line he doesn't want to return to whatever state your marriage was in before the affair, even assuming you would forgive him. And you haven't done that either, am I right?<P>So Lopsided, you have come to the right place. Do some more reading and thinking. I will tell you this, if you and your H haven't been intimate sexually for over two years, this is likely to be an issue.<P>Hope something I have said helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Does your husband get brownie points for HAVING an affair? No. Does he get points for being honest about the affair after it happened? Well, in a word, yes. <P>I sense how unhappy you are and how much you want to avoid a divorce. I will echo what you've been told by a few others. Call the Harleys. They specialize in FIXING marriages and restoring love. There are success stories here, but more likely you will find them in the RECOVERY section, not the divorce section of the Marriage Builders site. Go there and get PSYCHED to work on your marriage.<P>Good Luck!!<P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*

I totally understand how you are felling. I'm in the same situation as you as well. I'm keeping on running away from the Divorce paperwork. Unfortunatly, my situation is a little different. I was the one who had the affair and realized my mistake. I have no contact whatsoever with the OM anymore. I want to totally restore my marriage. I have been working on it for over a year already but not successful. Just yesterday, I received a call from his attorney asking for my mailing address. I was so depress ... I don't want divorce. I still think I have hope and believe I can save the marriage. I still love my H very much. I just wish I can do something for him to understand that I still love him and want him back.<P>I know it is so devastating when one side wants the divorce and the other doesn't. Just take it easy and don't think too much about it...I think that's the best solution. I was so depress yesterday but feeling better today ... I haven't talked to H about this yet...<P>Take care...God bless you.<P>kkeo