all,<p>Most here probably know the history of my marital problems. I don't post about them anymore unless the problem or the success is significant. This morning we had what I call a marital flashfire. These flashfires are killers, major lovebusters.<br>My wife does not talk a lot in the mornings as we prepare for work. That's how she is. We've had our spats about the computer and the time she spends on it (no, she's not having an online affair). She always sends out e-mail in the mornings and I'm used to that and don't really have a problem with it.<br>But while she was on the computer this morning I thought about an amusing incident that happened at work last Friday and I wanted to tell her about it. About 15 seconds into relating it to her she got a bit of an exasperated look on her face and said, "Ok, get on with it." This just shut me down and reminded me of how much I hated how she tends to give prominence to the computer. I shut up and went to get ready to leave. My youngest was still there, we'd just had a disagreement on Saturday and I positively hate to start a day with an argument. So I just shut up.<br>A few minutes later, as I was sipping some coffee, she told me not to tell her any more stories I wasn't going to finish. Why did she have to say that? I'd been resolved to drop it all and go to work. But that remark really made me mad. I asked who could finish telling someone something that made it obvious that it was a bother for them to listen. When she does this sort of thing it makes me feel like I'm just anybody she talks to, not her husband. So she ends up telling me I take things the wrong way, I'm selfish and I don't understand a thing about marriage. Those words hurt. I told her I acknowledged that I'm selfish, but that she didn't have to brush me off in that manner. But by then I was so angry I was just saying things like, "As usual we get the rundown form the pure and perfect angel who can never do wrong and will never see that she might possibly have said or done soemthing the wrong way."<br>I said that because she was also telling me that I should have some respect and not try to tell someone something when I know they are engaged in an activity that consumes their attention. She says this even though she'll try telling me about something that happened at work or whatever when I'm engaged in something. I don't brush her off in that manner when she does.<br>Folks it's a bad, bad way to start a day. I could kick myself for arguing with her as much as I could kick her for what she said. Yesterday she told me that she has been having some hormonal problems (she just turned 40). I don't know if that contributed to it but all I can say is it is extremely difficult to deal with.

Bruce--<p>Boy, are you on the money with that! Some mornings my house is a nuclear zone! <p>I too, have a husband who's priorities include everything and everyone except me. Like you, when I do try to talk to him in the morning (notice I said talk). After he brushes me off and I say forget it and try to go one with a morning that is already shot, he starts the yelling and the hollering and of course, guess what?! I'm selfish too! (Oh, and spoiled)<p>But no matter how bad he's hurt my feelings, before I leave the house (usually in tears)instead of continuing the argument by telling him how bad he just made me feel, I walk up to him and kiss him and tell him I love him and I hope he has a wonderful day!(sometimes I want to tell him to pick up his jaw). When I get in my car, I take a deep breath and say a prayer. You wouldn't believe how much that helps! Once I get to work I sit down and treat myself to a nice muffin or danish and a cup of cappucino. Usually after about an hour or so, I feel better knowing that even though he gave me harsh words I gave him love.<p>So, the next time you see the toaster about to explode in the morning, no matter how bad you want to strike back, greet her with love and kindness. If she runs out of the house or tells you not to touch her, I'll holler it out the door (the I love you, have a nice day thing). <p>When I get home in the evening, I usually get an apology. Not what I was looking for but if I died sometime during the day before I got home from work, I want my last words to my husband to be kind words not hateful ones. <p>

Bruce,<br>Relax. My wife is the same way, right now. Except, it's not when she is doing something special (i.e. - email). If I try to relate a story to her, or tell her a joke that I heard, she doesn't want to hear it. Sometimes, she will listen politely. Other times she will tell me that she is not interested. I am not sure which I prefer.<br>The biggest thing I try to do now, is to eliminate the things which she does not like. (i.e. - my stories from work) She also does not like telling me of her day. She feels her days are boring and unfulfilling, and does not want to re-hash it. <br>Right now, these flash fires are our fault (aren't all fights our fault?). Remember that we are the ones that are trying to keep the peace; trying to keep the marriage together; trying period. I have been living on a diet of "crow" for months now (as in -'eating crow'). Lots of "your right" comes out of me.<br>When this happens, take a breath. Think of what you want to say. Think of how it will be taken. Then, don't do it. <br>If talking to her while she is on the computer is a problem, avoid it. I don't speak to my wife at all in the morning. Only "good morning", "be careful", etc. No questinos, or talking. <br>When I get home, I let her mood set the tone for the conversation. If she starts to talk about her day, I inquire a bit more. I tell her a little about my day. When I notice that she is fading, I stop, saying "your probably not interested in this". Sometimes, that perks her ears up, and she asks me to continue. Other times, she appreciates me cutting the conversation short. <br>Bruce, this is hard work. After all, the things we have in common are not paying attention to our wives. Now, we have to do overtime. <br>Remember, if you can't talk to her, you can talk her.<p>Princess,<br>Why are all the women on this board, what I want my wife to be? When we first got married, we always kissed and said we loved each other before bedtime. Never going to sleep angry. I don't remember when that stopped. But, for a long time, we were going to sleep angry (or at least quiet) quite a bit.<br>Your husband has a good woman.

Princess,<p>I really admire how you handle it. Why is it that those who have mate like you don't realize how good they have it?<p>Bill,<p>Yea, you are right. We're working overtime. But you can only work so much overtime without eating right. And a diet of crow just don't cut it. I can't eat too much of it and maintain respect for myself. But the bottom line is that I will either try to make things work or no. So while I'm stressed I'm not at the quitting point yet. I think there is still a higher level of committment I can kick this thing to. So that's what I'll do.<br>The thing I have to watch is that when my wife does this sort of thing I find myself beginning to erect an inward wall. I can sense it. Sometimes I won't even ask for her opinion on something anymore, whereas I would in the past. It's getting easier for me to just bypass her in my mind the same way I'd take a backroad to avoid a stretch of traffic lights. I don't think that's a good way to feel, but survival seems to force it. The only other thing I can think of is that a deeper spiritual committment (which i can most certainly use)may hold the key to how to handle it without that sort of side effect. I have a lot to think about. As always thanks for your take. I always find it helpful.

Bill,<p>To my great surprise I got an e-mail apology from my wife today as well as an apologetic hug when she came home. Sometimes things go right.

all,<p>A popular author on this forum is Michele Weiner-Davis. In case you didn't know she has a web site at www.weiner-davis.com. Hope it helps someone.

Hi Bruce<p>We have a temperamental teenager who reminds me quite a bit of how you describe your wife. We've found it very frustrating--especially because it seems she's been practicing for puberty since she was four and now that she's thirteen, we've had enough. However, we are trying some of the techniques that Bill suggested and it's working. Instead of being frustrated because she won't be a normal civil person, we're adjusting ourselves to her temperament. I don't initiate conversations unless I absolutely have to have some information. I don't show her affection unless she gives strong indications it's okay. We try the best we can to anticipate temper triggers and we avoid doing those things. As an example, she seemed to hate for us to say goodbye to her in the morning like we do with our other daughter. So, we naturally thought we'll just keep doing it as pleasantly as we can until she comes around to being a civil person. We were getting very frustrated at the daily snubs so we just stopped participating. We'd find some place other than where she was when it was time to leave in the morning so that she didn't have an opportunity to snub us. Before long, she was calling out in quite an unusually pleasant tone, "Goodbye, I'm leaving now." <p>We've been doing this for the past month and it has made such a difference in our home. We no longer spend our time being frustrated because of the lack of civility on her part. She is much more polite, initiates many more conversations than before, and has stopped acting like we're abusive parents because we've asked her to feed the dog. <p>Don't know if it will work with your wife, but it might be worth a try. You mentioned the desire for a stronger spiritual life. My favorite book when it comes to Christian character is James. I can't read it without feeling ashamed at my lack of mercy for my teenager or my spouse. <br>

Bruce,<br>Thanks for that site. The article on "Walk Away Wives" was right on our mark. It really put everything in writing. And, sort of validates everything that we are trying. Have you read any of her books or articles?

beanie,<p>Thanks for your comments. My mind was already beginning to run along the lines you described. Actually my wife is not normally impolite or as nasty as she was that morning. As I said I did receive an apology and a hug from her on this. Last night I put my clothes out to iron for the next day. I've always ironed my own clothes. She wanted me to go out and by a lock for my son's gym locker. It was late, I was tired and didn't want to go, but I did. When I got back my clothes were ironed. I was shocked. But I do think I will initiate the attitude you described for all future reoccurances of flashfires. It's sure to come up again.<p>Bill,<p>Glad you got some use out of that site. Yes, I do have the book Divorce Busting. The mistake I've made is in relaxing too much. Everything had been going so well after the holidays (in comparison to how they were two or three months ago) that I let myself be lulled into feeling as if the main danger was past. Big mistake. Constant vigilence is the watch word here.

I hear you Bruce---mornings were always a rotten time for us too. (especially when he worked a late shift and we had to be with h im for houars before he went to work) He never liked for me to talk to him about anything. And then when he got home from work he was too tired and wanted a nap...like other said, once I started ignoring that, and quit acting like a puppy things got better. I'm anxious to visit the other web site yo umentioned. I've not read her, but have heard so much about her here. <br>Hope it's a day between fires for everyone else too!!!

All,<p>Just checking in. Just got back from St. Thomas and have much to fill you in on. It's good to see others have this problem and are actually getting through it. Tomorrow is a new day.<p>Steph

Steph--I'll be waiting for your next post <br>It's a quiet night here. Everything is still calm, but kind of unfulfilling. But I'll take this anyday over what it was like.

FlashFire weekend. We both feel we stepped back six months. We are now talking about separation. My idea. <br>She can not give me any idea of what is going on in her. Only confusion. One day it is ok for her to lay in my arms, the next it's not. I don't know what is going on. She, herself, wonders why she can't love me. Vacation is 2 weeks away. Wow.

Bill,<p>I'm so sorry to hear about what is going on with you. As you will see in my other post I don't have anything better going on here either. I wonder if it is the let down from the holidays affecting things now. Who knows. <p>My prayers are with you. (((HUGS)))<p>Steph

Bruce, I can feel your hurt in the letter you wrote. My experience with my now ex-husband was somewhat the same. I tried so many different approaches to "just have his attention", I greeted him outside when he came home from work, only to feel his rejection....made loving advances to him unexpectedly....after awhile I felt hopeless. When he spoke, I was interested. When I spoke, I was dismissed. This all ended in him having an affair. I couldn't handle to anger I felt and divorced him. That all began two years ago. Now he is so regretful. He would do anything to have me and our marriage once again. He is unhappy, has lost his zest for life. I'm not saying that your life is on the track mine was on, but do all you can to get back what brought you both together in the beginning of your relationship. It's worth all the effort on both parts. I now wonder if we should have tried harder, but my worse fear is of the unknown. I fear how I can react in a new relationship. Will I trust, will I be giving, will I have my emotional needs met? Just jump in with both feet, romance your wife again. Good luck, Suzy