Okay, here's an update. Last night, we went out alone to a pretty fancy restaurant. We both agreed that we were both very tired, and that a long, deep, personal relationship talk would probably turn into a fight, so we agreed to talk for a few minutes and then keep the rest of the night casual and not so deep. <P>He says that he went to the typist's house and loaded MS Word, because all she had was Word Perfect, that she has a pentium 100 computer and that it took a lot longer than he thought it would. He also says he put his cell phone in his coat pocket and it was on vibrate, so he didn't hear it vibrating. I am not FILLED with trust on this, but it seems like it could really happen. Okay, what kills me is that I was beginning to trust what he said before, and now I feel as if I doubt my own self AND him! That makes me crazy! Anyway, he got me a little card that says, "Let's kiss and make up", and inside it says, "I love you very much and would not do anything to disturb that" and that helped a lot. I told him about all the good advice that I got from you guys (by the way, thank you all SO MUCH), and he told me that he was really impressed. He said that the "old CJ" would have totally overreacted and yelled at him about it, but that he could really see the changes in me (YAY!). So far, so good, huh? Then we both talked about one small thing we could do to make the other guy feel better and agreed to do it. That was the end of our talk about this topic, but all night he was pretty huggy and snuggly, which also helped a lot. <P>Now, here's the bad part. About 10pm last night, his cell phone rang and it was our customer's in Utah! UGH! Their hard drive in their fileserver totally pooped out, and they were totally system down. Well, he talked to them for about an hour over the phone, trying all his little tricks to fix it, and the hard drive is just dead. That means that today--this morning--he is leaving for a trip that will take all weekend, right into the lion's den. See, the OW is currently living in Utah and works at the restaurant he is going to fix! So, this is the part that just makes me crazy--I don't know what the heck to trust! I'd say that it seems like he was very sincere and just made some human errors that resulted in looking bad. But I had thought that his first business trip was going to be March 12-14 to New York (nowhere near the OW!!), and we were going to make some reasonable "rules" for the trip, and we were going to build some trust between now and then. NOW, we have no "rules", trust is all messed up, and to add salt to the wound, he is going straight to the OW! I feel like I can not trust my own senses and thoughts, because I'm just too close to this. Do you think it's reasonable to feel suspicious? Do you think it's realistic to expect him to check in with me? I honestly don't know WHAT to think, because it seems like everything I think is directly the opposite of what's really going on!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

(((FaithfulWife)))<P>What a mess!<P>This <I>seems</I> legitimate. And I would guess that he's the sole consultant to a chain and there's no one else who can do this?<P>It's a personal version of <I>purgatory</I>, for both of you, and <I>he</I> and <I>you</I> need to be incredibly resourceful in making sure that you both make it through. <P>Tell him straightforwardly how hard it will be for you, and ask him to understand that and do his best to work out with you, up front, ways to make sure that he stays well-behaved and you stay well-reassured.<P>All I can say is good luck.

CJ,<P>What a great, great opportunity you guys have in front of you!! No, I am not crazy! Look at it this way - If his first trip was still going to be a ways off, think about all the time you would be spending worrying about it, thinking up rules, etc...<P>God gave you guys a little gift! He is basically taking away all that worry time from you. Instead He has thrown you two a challenge - One that I believe your husband AND you will pass with flying colors.<P>What a great opportunity to help get your reconciliation into gear!<P>For some direct advice (my own opinion), just tell your husband how important of a weekend this is... Let him know that you do feel it is a challenge sent by God (think how ironic the whole situation is - it has to be HIS doing!). By saying these things to him, you will be building your husband up to tackle any temptation that may come his way. Kind of like the first time an alcholic who has gone sober, faces the temptation to drink again. When they are able to fight off the temptation, think how strong they feel and how happy they are with themselves.<P>I say look at this weekend as a blessing. Don't even think about it turning bad...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

CJ,<P>There is no way you are going to feel good about this. Everyone else in this world gets butterflies in their stomachs, you have eagles. My guess is you are going to survive it.<P>If there ever was an example of why the office romance can't work out, this is it. We have a proverb in our department (that few people pay any attention to): You don't ??it where you eat.<P>This isn't going to be easy, but can you and your husband sit down and plan out how you are going to handle this together? POJA might come in pretty handy right now.<P>Praying for you,<P>Bumper

I was hoping for an update from you today. I said a prayer for you and your husband this morning. Great advise from Sisyphus & Sotired2000.<BR>It is reasonable to feel suspicious, and he should check in with you. It is something he needs to do in order to rebuild that trust and to make you feel at ease (somewhat). <BR>I wish you all the luck CJ!!!!!!<BR>{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'll be thinking about you!<BR>Petrie<BR>

(((((CJ))))),<P>Look inward for strength, you've got it, I know you do!<P>Don't let insecurity get the best of you! Keep positive thoughts! You and you only can contol what you do and think. He knows what he is working back to, a secure woman who knows what she wants in this marriage. Portray that image, even if your gut says "I'm so scared".<P>If you need me, you know where to find me!<P>Ragamuffin

(((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))<P>So, it's Trial By Fire time? <P>I think you've gotten great advice. Pray hard and try to stay calm. Just turn this one over to God. <P>If this man has half an ounce of brain, he'll know where his bread is buttered.

{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Ok, breath deep! I think Mike is right... look at this as a blessing all a round. Sure, you will be worried this weekend, but try (I did say try) not to obsess this weekend. <P>Once the weekend is over, you will feel better, he will feel better, and there will be a sound basis for trust agian.<P>Keep looking up!<BR>Dawnetta

One suggestion... when you're feeling mistrustful or nervous come to the board and post... you need all the support you can get right now. Also, pray without ceasing...! For you... to trust in God and not your circumstances.<P>------------------<BR>Freedom is doing what you like - Happiness is liking what you do.

Okay! Okay!<P>(deep breath) Now my old yoga trick deep breath to 4, hold to 7, release to 8).<P>Well, Mike, I used your advice right away--literally as he was driving out of town. I said, "I think we are on the same page about this, but I want to say it out loud so that we don't say 'I thought you would just know.' This weekend is very important. I know that whatever you chose to do, it is up to you and I can't make you chose one way or the other. But just so we are clear, this weekend is a great chance for both of us to build trust. You can build trust with me by calling frequently, making sure your cell phone is on ring (haha), and letting me know right when you get somewhere. I can build trust with you by not freaking out, not obsessing, and believing what you say." We ended by agreeing that he would be the one to call me, and I would be the one to acknowledge that he's doing it (in other words, if I toot his horn, he'll blow--haha). Once I said it out loud, he jumped all over it, like it was a challenge that he was accepting, so I think he also looks at it like a temptation he can resist. That was some good advice--thanks.<P>Ragamuffin, I also wanted to thank you for reminding me that I can only change and control me. I know that in my head, but my heart got shook up, so now I'll return to the stuff I know to be true and right. I loved the way you said, "Portray a secure woman who knows what she wants in marriage." WOW! Powerful stuff, and I know you are EXACTLY right.<P>You know, this is a really challenging thing. All the stuff I learned about myself, things I should change, new stuff to try, all the stuff about relationships, INFP loving an ESTJ, all that stuff...now I have to DO it all! YIKES!! This makes so much intellectual sense, but when you have to actually put it into action--YOWZA, it's a challenge!!<P>BTW, did I ever tell you all how much I love you, each and every one, and how much I appreciate your support and advice? I didn't??? Well, group hug then!<P>CJ<P><BR> <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>BTW, did I ever tell you all how much I love you, each and every one, and how much I appreciate your support and advice? I didn't??? Well, group hug then!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>AFTER A WHILE<BR>By Vera A. Shoffstall<P>After a while, you learn the subtle difference<BR>Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,<BR>And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning<BR>And company doesn't mean security,<BR>And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts<BR>And presents aren't promises,<BR>And you begin to accept your defeats<BR>With your head up and your eyes wide open<BR>With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,<BR>And you build all your roads on today<BR>Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.<BR>And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.<BR>After a while you learn<BR>That even the sunshine burns if you get too much.<BR>So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,<BR>Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.<BR>And you learn that you really can endure...<BR>That you really are strong.<BR>And you really do have worth<BR>And you learn and learn...<BR>With every goodbye you learn.<P>Thinking of you,<P>Bumper<P>

practice, practice, practice <B> our weaknesses </B> gets it from the intellectual to the natural.<P>mistakes along the way? of course?<P>give up? never!<P>practice, practice, practice, and then review for success and points to improve upon.<P>keep a journal? stuff to practice, daily practice, weekend review.<P>keep it up!<P>WIFTTy