I have a little of a confusing conflict which may be more in my heart than in my mind but thought I should seek out advice from someone who's been in the same boat. My ex husband phoned me this morning azt 6:20 (actually left me a voicemail at work) asking me if I would mind letting him borrow some money and going downstairs and depositing it into his account. He said he would pay me back. He has done this on occasion (for instance when he took our 2 boys to Florida for a couple of days - he called and they needed more money and I put some in his bank so they could get it out of a teller). Its not very often, but maybe once a month or so. Sometimes he pays me back and sometimes he doesn't. I know he is on a very tight budget (he has his own home, truck, bills and pays child support) and is single. I know what he makes (because I have family in laws who work with him) and I do know he struggles. He does a lot for the boys and we are fairly good friends now. <br>The problem I still wonder about is this: I never "never" tell my husband about this. I guess I know that he would not like it and would think its wrong. Obviously, he would feel I am doing things for someone who I shouldn't do things for (he has expressed that before). Its a funny thing - but last night I was reading the bible and (is this a sign?) was reading about helping people in need and giving, etc. And, of course, at 9AM I went to the bank and deposited the money into his account. I actually told him not to worry about paying it back. (for two reasons - - one, it takes a LOT for him to ask "me" for money - - and two, I don't need the money as much as I think he does). I do desire to maintain the close friendship I have - we do share two children and it makes our lives easier to be friends, but on the other hand I feel wrong for not telling my husband certain things such as this (not that he needs to know) - but I feel its secretive. Does anyone have any advice as to how to handle this or if I am doing the right or wrong thing? <br>I know (I am close to his family still) that he has been depressed often; he's divorced twice since us (its been 9 years) - and he tries really hard to be a good dad to the boys. I have had to pick up the phone on occassions and talk to him (especially when his mom or sister in law tell me hes having troubles and is depressed) and it always seems to work. I think that because he is the father of our kids - I feel an obligation to him too - because when he is happy, the kids are happy. Its quite complicated - but am I doing the right or wrong thing? My husband doesn't mind when he calls the house or when he comes by and we talk, etc., and they actually are friends - but sometimes I feel I help him too much - or is it that he requires more help than my husband. Any thoughts?<br>

You're violating the Rule of Complete Honesty. I suggest that you discuss it with your husband. How do you think he'll feel when he eventually finds out, and discovers that you've been dishonest.<p>One way to deal with this would be to tell him about what you've been doing, and invite him to read this. If I were your husband, and "we" could afford it, I'd probably consider either loaning or giving the money to your ex. I don't think that any of your motives are harmful to the marriage: it's just the WAY that you've been doing them that will cause the problem.

K - I don't necessarily think I was being "dishonest" for the mere fact that we have had (in our 6 yr marriage) separate checking accounts - he has his and I have mine. We have specified things each pays for and the rest of our money we do with what we wish. I have always and only used my money. <br>But, the part that bothers me is this: the bible says to help people; give to those who ask; don't ask people to repay debts, etc. I used to lie to my ex and tell him I didn't have it. Because I felt wrong. But, now I feel like he needs the help and that I should be there to give it. <br>But like you said, I know my husband would not agree (probably more of because we used to be married). I have basically been on the line playing "what they don't know won't hurt him" - but if its wrong - I do want to tell him. Thanks for the advice.

I understand why you have handled things as you have, but I agree that you should not hide this from your current husband. Imagine how he might feel if he discovers what has been happening. Discuss it with him, tell him what you have done. Explain to him your reasons, but also respect his feelings. Good luck.

Cndy,<br> Take some advice from an Ex-husband. What you are doing is right. I commend you for working with your kids dad. Working together makes it so much easier on everyone.<br> Keep in mind that by helping him your are helping your kids. Kids judge how much they are loved by how much their parents love each other. And even though you are not married, you can still let them know their dad is special. Your husband should try to understand the situation that he is in. Child support is a heavy burden. It leaves little for the father to spend on the kids.<br> I admire you for your generosity,<br> Pete<br>

Cndy,<p>I hope your current husband is open minded and a general easy going man. If not he will feel violated that you are giving your ex money. yes it is good to help others and yes divorced dads do have trouble meeting child support and etc...but dont risk another divorce by deceiving your husband. How would you feel if your husband was giving money to his ex (if he had one)that you had no knowledge of?. Wouldnt you feel deceived? It's not worth it. Tell your husband what you have done and why you did it. Mainly because of the boys, and see what his reaction is. If he does not agree with you, then perhaps your ex could borrow money from his folks or some other source. Or maybe you could go back into the court system and have his child support payments reduced. they usually pay based on what their income is. At any rate, just because you feel you are being a good samaritan by helping your ex...doesnt justify omitting the truth to your husband.

Hi Cindy<p>I agree with the others who have posted here but perhaps for a different reason. All the reasons that you give for financially helping your ex and the kids are fine. I sense though that your doing it without the knowledge of your husband is beginning to give you a guilt trip. I suggest guilt feeling comes from bending the bond of trust you have in your current marriage. Everyone seems to be friends here. I see no reason that he would think badly of you for your actions. I am in a second marriage and we have separate accounts too. She doesn't have to tell me what she does with her money. It's just another way of saying, "I want you to know me. There are no secrets between us. None." If I did find she had hidden something from me I would wonder why she didn't think she could trust me. It would hurt. Let us know what you decide. We'll support you either way. <br>Good Luck and God Bless <br>Bob rsltexas@swbell.net