I'm new here. I'm so glad I found this forum. My husband fell out of love with me a couple of years ago, moved out, had a relationship with another woman (I call her the slut), and filed for divorce. I had a horrible time with panic/anxiety attacks for a long time. I just couldn't seem to get over him. We've been married 18 years, 2 teenage daughters. I say married, because he moved back in a year ago as a roommate, so we canceled the divorce. He moved out in April and took up with her again (for awhile). I refiled the divorce. Now that I'm doing well, although I admit I still love him as much as I ever did, and he's supposed to sign the final papers (I've already signed), things are changing again. I've been pushing him the whole time to go to counseling to get through his midlife crisis, but he won't go. He still has no feelings for me, but when I showed him the website and the weekend trip, he suggested we go. He said he's got nothing to lose, and he's willing to try anything. He said he would give anything to be able to fall in love with me again. I know the kids are his guiding force. He adores them and has always been a wonderful father. He's also always been very honest with me, which I admire in him. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with the trip.....

A man who says he's not in love with you but will go on a Marriage BUILDING weekend sounds like he might not be "out of love" with you completely. <P>Can you stall the divorce? Or maybe even stop it? <P>If you love him and want the marriage and he is willing to work on it - DON'T DIVORCE HIM.<P>Best wishes.<P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*

Trixie, welcome, you have come to a great site that requires lots of hard, personal work on <B> you and noone else. </B> I have been here about a year this week, and others have been here longer. having been in your shoes, your H shoes, and a few other shoes, i suggest the following plan of action for you to get up to speed on your life:<P>1) read all the introductory stuff that you can on this web site. print it off and save it.<P>2) order the books "Give and Take", "Love Busters," "His Needs, Her Needs," and "Surviving an Affair," read them all at least once. <P>3) go to <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytype.com</A> and answer the four questions to find out what type you are and what type your H is. <P>4) then take your emotional needs test to find out what you are missing, and try to get your H to take the EN questionnaire, but don't push, suggest by leaving it around where he can see it.<P>5) realize that educating your H is a Lovebuster. realize that you can noly change yourself to make you desirable to your husband. in fact, can't you play the role of the other woman to become his best friend?<P>this is my suggestion as to what you need to do to educate yourself before you even think about suggesting to your h what he needs to do.<P>well, will you join us in the hard work to truly discover yourself, as we all have, and to move yourself to the next level?<P>WIFTT

Thanks you guys. My husband actually asked me to call my lawyer and ask him to sit tight on the divorce. He says he has no feelings for me, but I know he would like to get them back, if possible. I know we're supposed to get some of the books next weekend, and I've already printed out a lot from the website. And yes, I'm definitely ready for the hard work! Even if the workshop doesn't provide the "desired effect", I think we'll both learn a lot. I think I'm finally past the bitter, nasty stage, thank goodness.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trixie:<BR><B>I'm new here. I'm so glad I found this forum. My husband fell out of love with me a couple of years ago, moved out, had a relationship with another woman (I call her the slut), and filed for divorce. I had a horrible time with panic/anxiety attacks for a long time. I just couldn't seem to get over him. We've been married 18 years, 2 teenage daughters. I say married, because he moved back in a year ago as a roommate, so we canceled the divorce. He moved out in April and took up with her again (for awhile). I refiled the divorce. Now that I'm doing well, although I admit I still love him as much as I ever did, and he's supposed to sign the final papers (I've already signed), things are changing again. I've been pushing him the whole time to go to counseling to get through his midlife crisis, but he won't go. He still has no feelings for me, but when I showed him the website and the weekend trip, he suggested we go. He said he's got nothing to lose, and he's willing to try anything. He said he would give anything to be able to fall in love with me again. I know the kids are his guiding force. He adores them and has always been a wonderful father. He's also always been very honest with me, which I admire in him. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with the trip..... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Trixie, you and I are having the same problem.I think my husband is in midlife crisis. for 3 years he has been involved withher. the last 6 months he say he wants our 30 yr. marriage but he can't let go either. Now he is out. When it is over I will then allow him to earn my trust and maybe recover. for now i am staying busy.

Hi San--I feel for you. It's hell to go through. Staying busy has helped me too. I think things started to change for him when he could see that I'm really moving on. It took me so long to get to where I am today. I let him move back home a year ago, before I should have, and he was gone again in 3 months. It set things way back. A few weeks ago I took advantage of the interest rates and refinanced our house in my name, since I was going to have to anyway per the divorce. It wasn't final yet, but I did it anyway, and he signed the paperwork. I think something happened then. He was actually losing the house and I think it was a big deal for him. He didn't say anything, but I could feel it. Hang in there, but don't make it too easy for him like I did last time. I learned my lesson (I hope). There's a book that really helped me (before this website) that's called "When The One You Love Wants To Leave." I don't remember the author's name, but it helped me. Good luck!

trixie, I am so glad you saw my posting. It has almost been a week since I told him he had to move out. Everyone, including my counselor tells me I should have done this a long time ago.This is the longest we have gone with out contact. My counselor says I will have some resolution, either he realizes it is his marriage he really wants or this infatuation. this yoyo life is making me sick. I guess this situation is not unusual. I am glad to hear you are remaining strong, keep it up

<A HREF="http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html" TARGET=_blank>http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html</A> <P>good article!<P>Trixie, do you think it applies? Are you making your <BR>potential higher or lower by following the rules?<P>WIFTTy

I can definitely see the common traits of MLC in the article in my husband. I know that I used to say that if an affair EVER happened, that he would be out the door for good! Well, perspectives change when you go through it, but I would NEVER be the wife who puts up with him having another place so that he can "entertain." That's crap. I couldn't seem to let go, but things started changing when I finally showed him that I was moving on without him. I think the saying goes something like "he can't miss me if I never go away." The past couple of months, he was wanting to be friends (AND get divorced), and I just told him that it was better for me to just keep my distance. I was still in love with him, and every time I saw him or spoke with him, it hurt afterwards. So, I think the rules have been working for me lately...so far. I FINALLY had the courage to give them a chance to work. He told my older daughter last night that he thinks we should try to work things out. He's trying. He took me to lunch yesterday so we could talk, and he came over tonight and cooked dinner and brought a movie. We fly to the workshop Friday. I'm being respectful, and starting to make changes that I need to make (per this website). I'm finally realizing that I was part of the problem. I've always blamed the affair and the end of the marriage on him (the affair was after he thought we were finished). He kept telling me that it takes 2 people to fail a marraige, and I would respond with "yes, but it would have been nice if I had been one of them!" Well, I'm coming around now....To answer your question a little better, if I had followed the "rules" a lot sooner, I think I would have seen changes sooner, but he still had to get over HER first. There's that 2 year rule, and get this: He moved out the first time 2/13/99. By the way, I've been taking your advice that you gave me before. <P>To San--It worked best for me when I finally left him alone. Your husband needs to miss you first. Then he can realize his options. I kept having to speak to him because of the kids, but then I started having them answer the phone and made it short and sweet if he wanted to talk to me. And I quit calling him, which was VERY hard for me. It was like I was addicted to hearing his voice or something. Hopefully you'll do better than I did! Good luck with that. I know how hard it is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B> <A HREF="http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html" TARGET=_blank>http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html</A> <P>good article!<P>Trixie, do you think it applies? Are you making your <BR>potential higher or lower by following the rules?<P>WIFTTy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trixie:<BR><B>I can definitely see the common traits of MLC in the article in my husband. I know that I used to say that if an affair EVER happened, that he would be out the door for good! Well, perspectives change when you go through it, but I would NEVER be the wife who puts up with him having another place so that he can "entertain." That's crap. I couldn't seem to let go, but things started changing when I finally showed him that I was moving on without him. I think the saying goes something like "he can't miss me if I never go away." The past couple of months, he was wanting to be friends (AND get divorced), and I just told him that it was better for me to just keep my distance. I was still in love with him, and every time I saw him or spoke with him, it hurt afterwards. So, I think the rules have been working for me lately...so far. I FINALLY had the courage to give them a chance to work. He told my older daughter last night that he thinks we should try to work things out. He's trying. He took me to lunch yesterday so we could talk, and he came over tonight and cooked dinner and brought a movie. We fly to the workshop Friday. I'm being respectful, and starting to make changes that I need to make (per this website). I'm finally realizing that I was part of the problem. I've always blamed the affair and the end of the marriage on him (the affair was after he thought we were finished). He kept telling me that it takes 2 people to fail a marraige, and I would respond with "yes, but it would have been nice if I had been one of them!" Well, I'm coming around now....To answer your question a little better, if I had followed the "rules" a lot sooner, I think I would have seen changes sooner, but he still had to get over HER first. There's that 2 year rule, and get this: He moved out the first time 2/13/99. By the way, I've been taking your advice that you gave me before. <P>To San--It worked best for me when I finally left him alone. Your husband needs to miss you first. Then he can realize his options. I kept having to speak to him because of the kids, but then I started having them answer the phone and made it short and sweet if he wanted to talk to me. And I quit calling him, which was VERY hard for me. It was like I was addicted to hearing his voice or something. Hopefully you'll do better than I did! Good luck with that. I know how hard it is.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

for whenifindthetime&trixie, What agreat article. I feel as though that is my husband that I was reading about. This time I hope I am doing it right I do not tslk to him at all. If i need to communicate which hasnt been very much I leave messages on his phones when I know he is not there and I never pick up my home phone. Trixie, how long before he came around? I guess he will need to get over the "girl" before he realizes he misses me. His affair has been off and on for 3 years. more recently he says he wants to stop it . I hope this is typical

Hi San--I'm not sure how long it really took. I've been staying away for a couple of months. Ever since the divorce was getting close to being final. Then all of a sudden, it got weird. He's not a talkative person, but he would email me with actual feelings. It was a welcome change. But he and the "other person" were finished close to a year ago, so it might be quite different for you. I'm not sure how long it took to actually get over her, because she dumped him for someone else (shocking, isn't it?). On the other hand, he says he still doesn't have any feelings for me, but he's willing to try. You husband sounds like he's on the fence too.

Trixie, I have read almost everything on this subject. The article was really helpful. Everyone says stay away which I am but I miss him and then I think I want a better relationship. So I will be better off without him or if it is withhim it will have to be different. He has never known how to express his feelings. are you saying this procees has taken almost 2 years ? I definitely will have to be patient but I am going to live

San--there's another website you might look at for what you're going through. I've been on it for a year, if not more. Most posts are from women in our situation. It's <A HREF="http://www.bestyears.com." TARGET=_blank>www.bestyears.com.</A> Click on the Midlife Crisis Forum. You might check it out. That's where I found out about this website. My husband moved out 2 years ago, so it's taken this long to get this far for me. But, I let him move back home a year ago, and it was a mistake and set us way back. He wasn't over her yet, and I wasn't ready to deal with it either. There's also a book I read a lot called "When The One You Love Wants To Leave," and it gives good information on what to do and what he's going through. <p>[This message has been edited by Trixie (edited March 05, 2001).]

Trixie, were you going away for the weekend witj your husband? I am still keeping my distance.This weekend my daughter came to visit with our granddaughter. I was going to go to church with everyone and sit away from him but I decided it would upset me so I stayed home. I feel myself getting stronger every day. I have no children home so it is very easy to keep my distance. I will say he is respecting me by not attempting to see me when I am home. I really want someone to share my life with and travel and do things with. any ideas on how long this process may take?

Hi San! Yes, we went to the Marriage Builders weekend in Minneapolis together. It was wonderful, and my husband did a complete turn around. We're working together on making it work now. I'm not sure what to tell you about this process. It's different for everyone. One of my best friends just finalized her divorce, while ours is on hold. I did stay away from him for quite awhile, but I think the timing has to be right also. What I HAVE figured out is that if there's someone else in the picture, that has to be totally over with first. I'm sure I was the last person he even thought about while that was going on. Luckily that's been over for almost a year. At the same time, I had finally made peace with myself and moved on. I was enjoying life, and the addiction to him was almost gone. I'll have to ask him what made a difference to him--like staying away or what. I'll let you know what he says--Good luck--

Trixie, so glad to hear your weekend was successful. Where did you ever get the strength to stay with it. Do you know what made it end with the girlfriend. you are so right it has to be over with her before our marriage can be addressed.I feel stronger each day. I am going away for the next 2 weekend to see my new g'daughter. He and I have struggled for the last 3 years and this has been the strongest stand I have taken. I pray that the space he has been given will allow him to look at his life and which way it will go.

Hi San! You sound great! What happened with the other female (the SLUT!!!) was that, true to her name, she moved on to someone else. She's now living with him and ruining HIS life. Apparently she's been around the block a few times. A real user. Anyway, I did ask my husband last night about when I told him that I didn't want to be friends with him and to just leave me alone. He said that hurt him. I really couldn't tell at the time. Your husband may be totally different than mine, but the saying goes that they can't miss us if we don't go away. And by the way, if your husband's priorities get straightened out and you don't know what to do next, I would highly recommend the Marriage Builders weekend. It really was wonderful.