iam wondering if anyone is still working thru their husbands midlife crisis? My husband has been in one for almost 3 years when it first started I really thought he was going to leave me. We went to counseling and he would spend time away from her but continued to lie to me. I know he doesnt want to hurt either one of us but that is too late. during the last 6 months he has really acted though he wanted it to be over with her. he even came to me on 2 occasions being very sincere saying he wanted me. He even told her he was going to work on the marriage. but somehow she is always there. When I found out he was having contact I told him OUT!!!!!!!.It has been almost 3 weeks now I really would like to be working towards restoring my marriage. But we have not contact except answereing machines to talk about bills.any advice from others who survived????????

Hi Trixie,<P>I thought my H held the record for fencesitting, but it appears not! He has been involved in an affair for 2.5 years now. We have gone through all the normal madness. Six months after discovery, he moved out, and 300 miles away to live within 5 minutes of OW (another slut!). While separated, he would not leave me alone. He called me constantly; usually at work, which made it hard for me to dodge his calls. Towards the end of his six month lease, he told me he wanted to come home. He also was complaining of neurological problems (dizziness, blurred vision, etc.), so I let him come back and saw to it that he got medical treatment ASAP. In hindsight, I let him back into my life too soon, but I was worried about his health. I have no doubt that his symptoms were real, but I think they were stress related. He ended up seeing a psychiatrist and was in counseling for about five months or so. The shrink diagnosed him with major depression, post traumatic stess and organic mood disorder. Then, he upruptly stopped all his medication and stopped therapy as well.<P>Since that time, he has spiralled deeper into depression. He began taking off for days at a time, without telling me he was going away or even leaving me a note. I'm sure he has been spending 'overnighters' with OW.<P>Recently, he's been telling me that he has been trying to drive me away because I would be better off without him. We have been having discussions about dividing assets.<P>Today, I told him that I felt it was going to be very difficult to go through a divorce while living together. I have asked him to move out on several occasions, but he refuses. I don't have the strength to force him out (both physically & emotionally). Throughout this whole ordeal, the message he has continually sent me is, "Go away. Don't leave me." He has also told me repeatedly that his relationship with OW "is not long term", whatever the hell that means!<P>His current behavioral pattern is that he will disappear for a couple of days. He comes home, then sleeps in the spare room for usually two nights. (I think he is trying to punish himself.) Then, he finds his way back into my bed. We have not been intimate for around nine months now. When he sleeps with me he clings to me and if I get up in the middle of the night, he comes out and searches for me.<P>Personally, I think he needs to be locked up. I think he has manic depression. But, he is holding down a job so on the surface he seems to be functioning.<P>Today, I brought up his depression again. He is despondent, and has basically given up on life. He is very resistent to going back on medication. As he was getting ready for work, I brought him one of my anti-depressants (Zoloft), and asked him to take it. He did. Then he said, "thank you".<P>Everyone; my friends, my family, my therapist think I should leave him. We have been married for 23 years. How do you walk away, knowing that they are sick????

to Trixie, How are you? Hope everything is going better!!

There are two other sites worth checking out for MLC forums and information. Divorcebusting (michele weiner davis) and Friends&lovers.com <P>From what I read it's hard to say how long of a journey it will be. It is amazing how much they change. Unfortunately for me...after 15 months and a lot....that I won't bother going into..I am filing and moving on.<P>My H seems stuck in jr.high. And well...I'm not. If one day...he became even a tiny shread of who he was... he can look us up. <P>All I know is that there is NOT anything we can really do about it. It's their journey... and so we have to have our own. I still love my H very much....and wish him well.

Dear Sidney--You sure are having to deal with a lot of "stuff," to put it nicely. It's amazing to me that a good, decent man can turn into a pile of mush without values or morals, and take everyone down with him when he goes. Then there's the denial that it's not mid-life crisis, but just "something" they are going through, but mostly that they don't love us any more. Like you, I also let my husband back too soon last time. Here's an interesting twist that I recently found out from him. He didn't have any feelings for the slut that he was with for that first year. He was just having fun, and she was definitely meeting his emotional needs. Then when he moved back in (as a room mate for financial reasons for both of us), he went on Zyban to quit smoking because I hate it so much. He thinks that somehow the medication triggered feelings in him for her because he also had other side effects that made him feel very strange. He became obsessed with her and moved out again. This time it was much harder on him, because she had moved on to her next victim. She didn't let him know for a few months. She just wasn't available most of the time when he wanted her. She had them both. When he finally found out, he was devastated, but as we all know, time takes care of those things. He's living here again, but we're working together on our 20 weeks of "homework" after the weekend seminar by Dr. Harley. It was good timing for both of us, and so far, so good. We have a long way to go, but it's much more promising now. I think it helped when I FINALLY let go and stayed away from him. I had signed the divorce papers, but he hadn't. I had refinanced the house in my name only. I told him to let me know when he signed the final papers, because I planned to completely, emotionally shut him out and speak to him only when necessary regarding the kids. He wanted to be friends, and I let him know that I have friends that treat me respectfully, and that I didn't need his friendship. He told me later that I hurt him by saying that. We're cleaning out his apartment, and he's gotten rid of every reminder of her. I don't look at this as him crawling back. We're starting fresh. Everyone told me to move on also, but I couln't. When I finally did though, things changed. Your husband has additional problems with health, which mine didn't. I don't know what to tell you with that. He certainly needs professional help. My husband got through it and the whole thing is one big embarrassment to him now. Thank goodness! Good luck.<P>To san: As you can tell from above, things are going well. After two years, this is an adjustment, and I haven't let my guard down too much, but we're doing well. We're going by Dr. Harley's rules. I wish we could have done this 3 years ago and never have had to deal with the past two years, but maybe things will be better now than they would have been. I've learned a lot about what he's done, which has been shocking, but I'm dealing with it because I've asked him to be honest with me and I have a need to know things. We put on our wedding rings last night. They had been in my drawer for a long, long time. He's never been one to wear jewelry, but he said he would be happy to wear this ring again. He's also spending time building the relationship back with our daughters. That will take time also, because he was their hero. I hope you're doing well also.<P>To tootrusting: You're right. There is not a single thing any of us can do about mid-life crisis. It's something they have to go through whether they understand it or not (usually not). While we watch them flail about, and try to give them some answers, it's all about them. We might as well not even exist, except to cause them problems (in their eyes). I know exactly how you feel, because when I got to where you are now, I started to feel better and things seemed to change. Good luck!

Trixie, how are things? I am going on5 weeks now. We still don't talk. I am doing alot of things but still miss my husband. I wanted to ask you did your H think he was in love with the other woman

Hi Trixie,<P>I'm so glad to hear that you and your H finally rounded the corner and are doing okay now. My H has never told me he has stopped loving me, in fact, quite the opposite. He's told me that he'll always love me. Of course, his actions speak very differently. This confuses me immensely. <P>I know my H is very depressed, and is running from horrendous childhood pain & trauma. From what I've read, it's at midlife that they must come to grips with the old childhood wounds. I've always felt that OW is simply a diversion, a distraction from having to confront his past. There is a book called, "Death of a Warrior, Birth of the Soul" that explains this all very well.<P>Over the last couple of weeks, I have reached a level of acceptance of our situation. I have been mentally, emotionally and physically detaching. There is a book called "Co-Dependant No More" which really helped me get to this place. I have had a couple of discussions with H, and I think he knows that I'm not bluffing when I say that I'm prepared to walk. Yesterday, he finally agreed to seek professional help again. I'm certainly not expecting any miracles, and I'm continuing to prepare to leave if need be. But, I do feel much better that he'll have some type of support system should it come to that.<P>From what I've seen on the board here, it does seem many times that it's not until the betrayed spouse finally detaches and is ready to leave that the waywards wake up. Maybe, it's simply coincidence.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> MLC is running from horrendous childhood pain & trauma. From what I've read, it's at midlife that they must come to grips with the old childhood wounds. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, so very true. In Frank Pittman's book, he states that one way to get beyond the fog, is to forgive one's own parents for their human failings, and not providing you with everything you need/ed.<P>In my X's MLC, she couldn't live with me anymore since i grew up into a career that her family despises, and she finally found her group of people where she could fit in and be looked up to. of course since she loves her family of origin, as dysfunctional as it is, her parents work together. So she has found someone in in the correct class, and works in the same location for the perfect combination! of course, i wouldn't get caught dead with her new group of friends, LOTS of extramartial activities, which she gossiped about as poor character, then joined them and changed her opinion. people being lonely and attacking other people's marriages for themselves, ugh.<P>its like the group of people who couldn't escape!<P>there was one person here about a year ago, don't remember who, and her X called her up after three failed marriages, and asked her to try again. I relish the opportunity, since<BR>the kids will be out of the house by then, to give her one final piece of my mind.<P>

Sidney--How are you doing now????

san--My husband thought he was more obsessed with the OW than anything else. I'm sure that at the time, he felt in love with her. Now it's all just an embarrassemnt.

TO TRIXIE: So glad to hear from you. I am staying strong. I am having a dilema. My son is graduating from college in May. My 2 older daughters are flying down with me. My H has made his own arrangements which I did also, but he thinks we should all go out for dinner. I really don't want to and I feel I shoulddn't have to for my son because he understands how I feel.. I am hoping my counselor will help me. Got any thoughts? Kep me informed on how you are doing

Hi san! Sounds like you're still doing well. Any changes with him??? At a particularly bad time between my H and myself, my daughter had an award banquet that we had both been looking forward to attending (not nearly the big deal as a graduation). It was right after I found out he was seeing the slut AGAIN, after he moved out the second time. My daughter saw his truck at her house and was devastated. She didn't want to invite him, but I made sure she did anyway and even paid for his ticket (one less phone call to him). I ended up taking a Xanax just to get through the evening, but we sat at a large table with other parents and didn't have any contact. Not one word all night. I took lots of pictures and just basically avoided looking at him. The clincher was him wearing a cheap gold chain I knew she had given him (he NEVER would have bought it himself). I wanted to rip it off his neck. I think I mentioned it in a seething email to him later that it made him look like a "cheap textbook example of mid-life crisis, or that a cheap slut was marking her territory (like a dog)." Ah yes, I fondly remember the good old days and my lack of decorum....anyway, your dilema really depends on how you feel. However, the celebration is really about your son. Maybe it'll be a good time for your H to see how well you're really doing on your own. If you can pull that off, you can walk with your head held high. I'm assuming he won't be tacky enough to bring someone else. If you can act like it's not a big deal to you, then you'll feel better afterwards. Something about that imaginary balance of power. You've still got awile to go before that day gets here. Good luck, and let us know how things are going!

Trixie. san, sidney and others<P>Thankyou for this thread. I can relate to a lot of the things you are talking about. My H fits the MLC descriptions (but in his late 50s??); suffers depression (but wont get medical assistance); has been "addicted" to OW for two and a half years - we have had many false attempts at recovery; I realise now it was "too soon" - but I always thought this time would be different but OW still hung in there. Actually, I consider I just let him "have his cake and eat it too" - and I am angry at myself for this And now, finaly, and three weeks after divorce discussions and Plan B I have had an e-mail asking me to talk with him about "salvaging" something from our relationship; and telling me he has finally "severed' contact with OW.<P>I am sure many of you could give me insights into how to move from here - frankly, my LB is just about wmpty - but this time it does seem he might finally have woken up - I dont want to butt in on this thread but would welcome your advice. I have posted on "recovery" asking ??? how to get back together after plan B" if you woouldnt mind lookinhin there I would appreciate it.<P>R