I came to this site looking for feedback on how to get through some tough times in my life. I am on the verge of divorce (closer now than ever). I have been here before but for some reason, it seems like the 'off subject' topics get the most responses. Another thing is that people are very critical here and it's often not the good kind of criticism that one needs during these hard times. I just hope that I can continue to post here and hopefully with a better response than what I just got. HELP is a word that I would have thought would catch peoples attention. However, I noticed that the subject on nitwits got an enormous number of responses as did a few holiday related topics back during Christmas. I guess people need positive things to talk about but I would hope that it wouldn't be at the expense of those who really need some help. <P>I have heard that some people just can't relate and that is why they don't respond. Maybe I am being too critical here and I appologize if I am. <P>SISYPHUS, <BR>Thank you for your advice. I am not just trying to get the jerk off my back. There have been some serious threats to my safety in the past, but only me. My husband has never done anything to the kids that I know of. The order for protection is for my safety. <P>Last night, someone came up my 100 yard driveway and I live in the middle of nowhere. The person opened all four doors of my car. My son went out this morning and found them wide open. I called the police and reported it. Funny thing is, I had my purse in the car with $170 and not a thing was missing, thank god. But still, that really freaked me out. I honestly believe it was him. What that heck is he trying to do? If he is trying to scare me it worked!<P>Well, I thank you for your advice and I hope that I get through this tough time in my life. It's just very hard when you don't have anyone to talk to. I am not really close with my family and my friends are kind of tired of hearing about my problems with the husband. So, I guess that is part of the reason I am here. Thanks again!

Was your car locked? If so, and husband had a key, it seems that he has violated the order. Call the police. This behavior often escalates if there is no stop put to it.<P>If you really fear for your safety, go through with the order. Although, I must warn you, it may backfire. The research shows that for some people, they back off. But for others, it makes them act out more. I don't have enough information to guess which your husband is. However, you probably have a good idea.<P>Another caution, the order is just a piece of paper. Take other precautions to make sure you and your children are safe. If you live out in the boonies, maybe you can get someone to stay with you for a while. If law enforcement is not too busy in your area, they will probably agree to drive by at least once during the night, just to check.<P>I agree with Sis, you probably need to contact the local women's shelter.<P>Good Luck. I don't mean to frighten you, but take the neccessary precautions.

Serious threats can't be taken for granted.<P>Mace in your possession at all times is a good thing.<P>If there have been threatening phone calls...<BR>...get yourself a micro tape recorder...<BR>...with a phone attachment... and a bunch of blank tapes...<BR>...and do it soon.<P>BTW: The weekends really are the worst time to get any reponses here...<BR>...it's been like that ever since I can remember.<P> <P>Jim

Kim,<P>Hey, don't give up on us! This is a wonderful group of folks here with a whole lot of different ideas. Just jump in. Sooner or later, someone is going to post something that will make your boat float.<P>Sooner or later, you will post that thing that makes people respond. What jumped out at me was those open car doors, I too think that is a cause for concern.<P>I grew up in rural Wyoming. In my home town, we still don't lock house doors and we don't take the keys out of the car ignition. There are a half a dozen outfits on my Mom's ranch with the keys kept in them. We do it because somebody might happen by who needs food or shelter or the use of the vehicle to survive. Hangover from pioneer custom. Don't know if it is that way in your neck of the woods.<P>The way you describe finding the doors of the car open leaves me uneasy. Sure wouldn't be a bad idea to let your local law enforcement agency in that. I you are in a rural setting, just the fact that a police car stopped by your house is news to all the neighbors, the word gets around pretty fast. It will get back to who ever pulled the prank too. <P>Sure hope you don't worry too much about folks being a little critical. I rarely get the answers I expect or want to listen to, but I frequently get the answers I need to hear.<P>Keep coming back, it works, it works!<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kimkaymilkyway:<BR><B>I have been here before but for some reason, it seems like the 'off subject' topics get the most responses.<P>Another thing is that people are very critical here and it's often not the good kind of criticism that one needs during these hard times. I just hope that I can continue to post here and hopefully with a better response than what I just got. HELP is a word that I would have thought would catch peoples attention. However, I noticed that the subject on nitwits got an enormous number of responses <P>Thank you for your advice. I am not just trying to get the jerk off my back. There have been some serious threats to my safety in the past, but only me. My husband has never done anything to the kids that I know of. The order for protection is for my safety.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I could have <I>used</I> more critical judgments a year ago, when the single voice answering me over here <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000164.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000164.html</A> -- was feeding into a thought process that was at best unhelpful in the situation. <P>The off-topic stuff? People who are divorced have ripple effects into every aspect of their lives. Even things that aren't divorce-related may be things they're doing for themselves for the first time, because that was the X's job. <P>I didn't know which way to run with the violence question, except that you shouldn't make the decision without the word of people who have been there. Finally, there are "spy shops" around (and on the net), that carry personal security items (even a key-ring with a fob shaped so you can jab with it). There is a catalog chock full of the stuff that circulates among police (Bumper?), whose name I can't remember, but it was the most complete one I'd ever seen. <P>

Kimkaymilkyway,<P>I can't speak for everyone here, but I for one do not have Internet access at home, only at work--thus, I do not see the weekend posts until Monday morning. I know many people here have access at home, but not all, and thus that may be one reason why you got so few responses.<P>Anyway, I took a look at your post about the OFP, and I also did some research on some of your previous posts so I would be giving you specific thoughts on your specific situation. Now, kimkaymilkyway, I am no attorney, so please don't think of this as advice from a lawyer, but your husband has hit you on a regular basis. He has not only been verbally and emotionally abusive, but physically abusive too! I know you must be afraid of how he will react, but IMHO, you should DEFINATELY get an Order for Protection. Now, it will not be easy, and it will be scary, but if you have the courage to get an OFP, and he does anything threatening/abusive toward you, it will make it easier to press charges and put him in jail.<P>I know it is scary, and every time you go to file you can think of a hundred reasons why he really loves you and would never do anything to hurt you--any excuse but to face the truth. Kimkaymilkyway, we care about you and don't want you to be hurt. Please protect yourself, your children and your property and file this OFP! You KNOW it's true. He has hit you before, and he will do it again! I know in your heart of hearts you want to believe him when he says he is sorry and will never do it again, but you also know in your heart of hearts that HE WILL! Until he takes the steps of acknowledging that he has a major problem and starts going to a counselor about it, he will not be able to follow up on his promises. <P>Kimkaymilyway, you know the cycle: hearts and flowers (I'm so sorry--it will never happen again), tension (you walk on eggshells and can feel it coming), explosion (he screams or hits you), withdrawal (you are quiet and under your shell). Ask yourself if he has made admitted that he has an anger problem. Ask yourself if he has made a serious, committed attempt to go to counseling for anger management. If you're answers are "no", then he will continue to harm you and maybe your children until someone is hospitalized or dead. I know that seems so impossible, but it happens everyday.<P>Kimkaymilkyway, let me ask you a question. How would you feel if a man was treating your daughter this way? Wouldn't you tell her that he was dangerous? Wouldn't you help her "get away" from him? Would it be easier to see that what he was doing was harmful to her? Would you see quite clearly that she could be hurt? Kimkaymilkyway, love yourself as much as you love your daughter--get the OFP. If you need help, support, encouragement, etc. email me at cindy_wolfe@blm.gov.<P>{{{{{Kimkaymilkyway}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Kim,<P>Everyone has given you some good advice. I too live out in the boonies, but just of a major highway. I usually keep everything locked up, but have at times forgotten to do so. I had an incedent (not x related) when I called the local police, and gave them detailed directions to where I live.... it still took them several hours to find me. Since then, I keep mace in my bedside table and in my car, and I also got a small handgun. *yes, I do know how to use it and would if I had to*<P>One place I lived before had a security system... it had sensors on the doors and the ground floor windows. You might want to consider something like this.... it also had a "Panic Code" you could punch in for a silent request for police. If you are concerned for your safety, I would suggest something like this. If you see your H coming up the drive or approaching the house, you can put in the code. The will call, and if you don't answer, or you don't give the "all clear" keyword, the police will arrive. It's something to consider.<P>Best of luck to you.... <BR>Butterfly

You do and will get wonderful support and advise from this forum, don't give up. I posted a topic similar to yours in the way of not getting replies, I felt the same way you do. It looks like you have gotten some good, sound advise for your terrible situation. I wish you the best of luck!<BR>Keep posting.<BR>Petrie<BR>