delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 07, 2001).]

Hello,<P> Good for you!! My opinion may not agree with the MBS, but enough is enough. My heart can't break anymore. It has been put throuh the meat grinder so much in a year and 3 months, it is pureed. Just plain mush, and I prefer it that way.<P> God bless your family<BR> Hugs and Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Again, I am so sorry this is happening. I told her that I think she is insane for taking him back if she does. ANY man who would walk out on his children deserves the respect of NO ONE. Like I told her, her mother and I were the only ones freaking out concerned over her "disappearance" this weekend -- he left two small children waiting at home for a daddy who wasn't coming. I told her I hope she doesn't get pregnant by him, because obviously children mean nothing to him. I also said he needs to get some counseling. AND, I told her that I (like Kenneth has always been) do not want ANY thing to do with him, that I am very angry at him, that I love her and I will always be here as support for her, but that I want nothing to do with him. What I tried to say to you on the phone is that they deserve each other ( I did NOT mean this in a good way and I'm sorry it came across that way). I told her that she's going to have to face up to the fact that she will have to worry every time he leaves the house that he may not come back. Anyway, again, I'm just so sorry. But, I am proud of YOU. YOU have done nothing to be ashamed of or wrong in all of this. And, yes, he DID love you, I'm sure still DOES, and a part of him always will. That is the part that will keep him awake at night long after now. I am angry and fed up with this, too.

Oh, by the way, she doesn't really come on here anymore unless she's doing it the library. She doesn't have her own computer with internet connection. She's used mine and the library's. I have been on here in the "recovery" section lately and only came back in this room b/c she told me you said you had posted her a long post. If you'd like, I will print this and the other one out and give it to her.<BR>I think she should see it.

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 07, 2001).]

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 07, 2001).]

hi Trying,<P>I'm so very sorry this has happened again. But, in my opinion for what it's worth, you have done the right thing. He needs to wake up to himself, and he needs to know that he can't have it all ways. <P>My ex did the same thing. Wants his family, but wants his freedom (read girlfriends) too.<BR>Enough is enough. I didn't want a part-time husband, I deserve more than that. And so do you.<P>All the things you said to Sis, about him blaming OW, will happen. They as a couple will self-destruct. It may take a bit of time, because if he persists in telling him/her/everyone that this is love, he has something to prove to everyone. And he will try his hardest to make it work. But it won't. Because it's not love. It doesn;t have the depth that you and he had. It doesn't have the history, and it doesn't have the family.<P>You take care of you now, and your family. Get strong, and have faith in yourself. You will know the right thing to do, your heart will tell you. You will be OK.<P>And while you're getting strong, let him go his own way. <BR>Let him do what he has to do. You just concentrate on you and your family.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you<P>big hugs<P>Jo<BR>

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 07, 2001).]

Good for you.<P>A little bit of anger is good. But don't do what I have done in the past!!!!!!! I said a 'little' bit........LOL<P>If you continue being his doormat, he will have no respect for you. He will know that no matter what he does, you will be there waiting. All he has to do is say I'm sorry. <P>Well, sometimes "I'm sorry" is not enough.<P>He needs to be on his own for a while, to work out exactly what it is that he wants. I hope and pray that he does the right thing. But if not, you will be fine. If not, then he wasn't the man you thought he was. And that's so sad. (I speak from experience here!!)<BR>But believe me, you will be fine. You have conducted yourself with dignity through all this **it, you can hold your head high. We cannot say the same for little miss tramp.<P>Maybe now, your husband will realise that you have had enough. Maybe you've pushed him into that decision making corner. It's about time.<P>even bigger hugs<P>Jo

TTMO... channel that anger. Be the "mother bear" here and protect your girls from this yoyo that's going on. The girls didn't ASK to come into this world and yet they're here as a gift. Some people know how to appreciate and care for a gift while others are thrilled with the new play thing for a while and toss it aside for their own selfish interests... You have GOT to get yourself healthy for the long haul so I encourage you to channel that anger, work out (release your energy on something) and take care of you! Soon those endorphins will flow and you'll really start getting strong and your anger will be under control and won't undermine your strength. This has GOT to suck... but you can do it... get on taking care of you and your girls! YOU GO GIRL and LIKE IT!<P>------------------<BR>Doing what you like is freedom... Liking what you do is happiness

A -- I agree about not telling the girls. They are way too young to understand this. I'm 31 and I don't even understand it. But, regardless of the worthless piece of crap G is, they do NOT need to get the message that daddy's love can be taken away and given to someone else so easily (even though it can). One day, they will be old enough to better handle this information. Right now, you need to concentrate on how much you love them and that YOU will always be there for them. And, as much as it may pain you, let them know their daddy does love them too and that y'all's problems have nothing to do with them. (I know how important it is to be told that over and over b/c my parents were divorced and kids DO blame themselves.) I am especially worried about your oldest one b/c she seems to be the sensitive one and the one who has been most pained by this. G's actions are showing that he does not care about his children. Unfortunately, for their mental health, you will have to be the one to try to counteract that.<BR>I am proud of you for breaking this crazy cycle. I do NOT think you should go forth with the May date (as you have no reason to perjure yourself just to get it over with faster). Continue doing all the right things. Let your attorney know the truth about everything b/c you will have to prove the adultery all over again (since he moved back in -- you "condoned" the original adultery in the eyes of the law). I believe K said she would testify to it, though, so you can save the expense of the PI. Subpoena people if you have to. I think he'd be insane to try to deny it, though. I just don't understand all of this. I can't understand why SHE wants him, either.<BR>

Also, don't beat yourself up for taking him back and believing in him. For a while, I had myself convinced that he really was a good person at heart who was just extremely confused. I even felt sorry for him. Imagine that?!<BR>And, obviously he's good at the deceit b/c K keeps taking him back too. IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON HIM . . . .

Last post to you. I'll be over on "recovery" (as if anyone ever really gets over this, but that's another story) if you want to check in on me. I'd love to hear how you are doing occasionally. I am getting WAY too involved in this triangle (square?) now. I am feeling way too angry and personal about your situation (I want to go scream at G, too). So, I think I need to take a step back. I don't want to end up in the unenviable position of the go-between and that could easily happen here.<BR>A couple of thoughts I'd like to leave you with -- <BR>1. Don't regret the things you have done. You gave it your best shot. Sure, I thought you were crazy for taking him back the last time, but your gamble could have paid off and you had to try, if only for your children's sake. Never regret that.<BR>2. I most emphatically do NOT support the relationship between G and K. I think it will only bring her more heartache and she is one of the ten people I love most in this world. But, I will be here for her no matter what path she chooses as her sounding board and friend.<BR>3. K does genuinely love children. So, if and when (Heaven forbid!), they get married, you can feel safe in the knowledge that she will be fair and loving to your children and they will get a step-mother who will try her darndest to make them feel loved. She really isn't the type who will be jealous and controlling of G's love for them. Besides, the way I feel about G right now, I think they'd be better off visiting with her than him (that probably didn't come out right).<BR>4. I know K is not perfect and I know she has plenty of fault in all of this and in your's and your children's pain. But, I also know a side of her that you don't see (and don't really need to see, probably). She has been hurt in all of this and she may be the unluckiest of all because she may end up stuck with G, a man who cannot, nor will not, ever be able to make up his mind. The statistics on divorce for first marriages are not great; they're even worse for second marriages. She very well COULD end up in EXACTLY the position you have been in.<BR>5. Eventually, it may help you and K both if you could develop a tolerable relationship. I think she could learn a lot from you. She has a great deal of respect for you and felt something akin to friendship (?) to you the other day -- like y'all were on the same side for the first time.<BR> Again, I wish more than anything that we could be friends. Because, I really believe that we could have been a great support for each other over the last year. But, as you know, because of my deep love for K, she would always come first and that would have placed me in some terrible positions over the last year. One day, a while from now, I'd like to get together with you (actually meet you) and have some margaritas together because I think we could have a blast. And, A, if you ever really do need me, call me.<BR>Love, Beth

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 07, 2001).]

TTMO,<P>I am sorry that you had to go thru this again. Going thru the initial break up is hard enough. I remember a month after my ex left, he said he was coming home, then went to OW to get his stuff and she and HIS MOM talked him out of it . I was devestated and we hadn't even moved back together and it was only ONE DAY. It's been a year since that day . He has asked several times to come back. It angers me because then in a way, its all in my lap, but I have always stuck to my original thoughts that he had done this way too many times to ever change.<P>I agree with the MB principles to an extent, but I also tend to think that sometimes the betrayer needs to take a break from the spouse and OP and go live on their own. I think their true love for their spouse will seem more clear and also, freedom is not freedom when you move from one person to another anyhow.<P>I am sorry to hear your story. Are you in counseling? A year later, I'm doing a lot better, but still have bad days and still have doubts over turning him down when he asked, but he is now engaged to OW, and they have not self destructed yet. <P>Good luck, hugs, Dana<BR>