I feel I must throw in the towel. Any communication between myself and STBXH has just about ceased. He has made it clear that the only reason we'd have to talk, would be purely to tie up any loose ends. I've given this man my love, faith, support for all these years and it boils down to a few "loose ends". WOW<BR>On the last "business" call, I asked him if he had received the letter I wrote, and all he said was, yes. I didn't want to break down when talking with him, but I was getting so choked up with just even hearing his voice. He did say that he wasn't feeling that great (emotionally). But I take that to mean; things aren't as great as they could be with OW. <BR>Anyhow, I feel I've done/did my part in letting him know how deep my love is, etc. etc. <BR>I'm not a person who (regularly) uses profanity, but I am so damned frustrated. After reading/posting here, I know that things don't happen over night and sometimes not at all. <BR>Can I take this opportunity to call my STBXH the biggest, self centered, lying, cheating, egotistical, judgemental, <BR>(there are many other adj. but this is it for now) bast*#*!!<P>I know that that was childish, but I needed to vent, and to express the anger I feel toward him (albiet, I've never told him that directly!) <P>It is hard putting your heart out there and in return, it gets squashed. I think I'll go home now and take a nice long walk (I should probably go to the batting cages )<P>If I knew how, I'd insert the angry face with steam!!!<BR>

Hello, is anybody out there???????????????<BR> <BR>

{{{{{Petrie}}}}}<P>I am so sorry that he is being so selfish. It just feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and just left hanging out there, doesn't it? <P>I know this is hard to hear, but he is not thinking of you right now at all. All of his thoughts and feelings are only of himself and what makes him "feel good" (translation: feel either sexy or ease the guilt). Either way, you need to stop hoping that he is somehow thinking of your feelings and is going to put your feelings ahead of his own. I am so sorry, sweetie, but that's the cold, hard truth. If you are going to stop crying and feel a little better, you will have to find the joy in your life yourself, because he is not going to be there to think of you anymore.<P>One of the hardest things for me to reconcile in my head was the realization that my H was no longer on my side. He had always been mine, someone I could lean on or trust, etc., and he was no longer there for me. I kept thinking I could ask him for advice, ask him why he was hurting me, and POOF! He would suddenly wake up and behave like he loved me again. I hate to have to be the one to tell you that that just isn't true. He is thinking of himself and his own interests, not of you. In fact, if he thinks it will be in his own best interest, he will even hurt you. <P>So, Petrie, you have got to grieve through this and start to know, within yourself, that now it is up to YOU to stand up for yourself and think of YOUR own best interests. Now, you don't have to turn spiteful or vicious, but you DO have to begin to realize that he is not on your side anymore. YOU have to be on your side. Petrie, you need to start thinking of yourself and finding your own joy. <P>Do you like to read? You might enjoy a book called "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil (I think his name is Phil Gramm). Anyway, there are lots of things to think about in that book, lots of questionnaires and such to fill out, and it sure showed me a LOT about me, how I felt, what I was afraid of, and how I contributed to the demise of my marriage. It was so eye-openning. You might enjoy it too!<P>{{{{{{{{{{Petrie}}}}}}}}}} We are here. <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thank you CJ, what you wrote is reality. It is the reality I need to face.<P>I am having such a hard time with the cruelty of life, and there is more to my situation than "just" the demise of my marriage. I don't think that I could handle one more thing right now, I am at the breaking point.<P>Thank you for the book suggestion, I am constantly reading (it is my solace, my escape). I am finishing up a book right now by Dr. Phil, it is called Life Strategies. I actually have the book you suggested, I put it away. I'll pull out tonight!!!!<P>Thanks again, thanks everyone,<BR>Man, is this pain unbearable!!!!!!!!!!!!!