This is my first time here...I'm so depressed. I have no other place or friend to talk to ...<P>We've been married for 5 yrs. She was my first girlfriend and I was the same to her. We love each other very much. I never thought she would cheated on me. It all happened early last year, when I wanted to take her out for B-day but instead she went out with her ex-co-worker and told me to wait next day. I was mad and pissed. I didn't recognize her B-Day the year before last. So this year, I wanted to make it up but she refused. This was the start of her affair. She came home late and let me eat dinner by myself. Meanwhile, she stills called the OM and AIM with him thru her work. When I asked her what's going on, she said she was only friend to him. She bought him a gift for his B-Day and gave him a farewell card when he left her company. I was mad and couldn't get thru her, so I started to move out but I was just testing her to see if she really cares for me or not. Unfortunatly, she didn't! She didn't even ask me to come back home.<P>A few weeks later, I asked her out and asked her to come home to spend a romatic day together. She said 'No'. She's busy. So then we parted, and I followed her home. Instead of coming home, she went to see the OM. I went home and waited for her but she didn't show up til 1 in the morning. Guess what happened?! She went to sleep with the OM. I was so angry, devasted, mad, hurt! You name it. I was totally out of control but I didn't abuse her. I told her I forgive her and let start the family again as long as she doesn't see the OM anymore. She promised and said she'll change and will not do it again. <P>A mos later, I found out she stills see him 2 times for dinner. She said she didn't sleep with him but just had dinner with him. I was angry and pissed again. This time, I totally move all my stuff out and never ever want to see her again. I told myself that our relationship is over and I will never forgive her. I hate her.<P>To add on top of this, a mos later, she was pregnant. Could it be my child or OM child who knows? She said it was my child. I told her to get an abortion. I'm not responsible for it. I didn't accept that the baby was my baby. Nine mos later, the baby delivered and the DNA proved that I was the father. I didn't want to accept it. I hate her for keeping the baby and for making my life miserable. <P>She knows her mistake and was on her knees begging me to forgive her. I just can't. The hatred and evil that inside of me can't forgive her. I don't have unconditional love for her. She hurts me so much. I trusted her and she was my only friend. The only person I depend my life upon. How could she do this to me? I couldn't sleep, studied, or eat. It was like my life is over when I found out the affair. She said she loves me and wanted me back in her life but I don't believe her...I think she wants me back because of the baby. The baby doesn't have the father so that's why she wanted someone to be the father. As far as I'm concer, who knows she's probably still seeing the OM eventhough she said she didn't!. I've filed for divorce already and wants nothing to her or the baby at all. I'm done with her...I hate her. I want to stay away from her as far as I can. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Please give me some advice. I'm just so mad and angry at her. I want her to learn her lesson.<P>

Nk,<P>My friend, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and your marriage. I too have lived through the pain of infidelity. Dr. Harley wasn't around in those days, and frankly I got into a lot of self destructive behavior, and the marriage eventually crashed and burned.<P>You've been aware of this affair for several months, so you are probably passed the initial traumatic shock. Obviously she has been under a doctor's care for the pregnancy, and they should checked her out pretty well. You might want to see a doctor for a checkup too. Just guard against the obvious danger of STDs.<P>It is doubtful that anyone here will tell you if you are doing the right thing. That choice is for you to make. But before you make any decisions, I recommend that you read some of Dr. Harley's columns on infidelity that can be accessed from the home page. After a while, most betrayed spouses realize that they played a role in the infidelity too.<P>Nk, I know that you are hurting, and you are going to hurt the biggest psychological hurt of your life for a while yet. I beg of you to give a lot more thought to turning your back on your baby. No matter what our wives did, the children are innocent. And they are our children. I didn't find out about my ex's affair until our youngest was seven years old. We agreed never to tell him that we didn't know who the bio father was. Ex wife let the cat out of the bag when he was twenty eight. He was devastated and came to me asking for a DNA test. I very firmly declined. The law in our state and probably in your state too, says that for any children born of the marriage, the husband is legally presumed to be the father. My son hasn't asked again, I think he was reassured when I refused to risk letting anyone tell me that I'm not his father. I may have a whole lot of flaws, but I'm all he's got.<P>I don't know how you define manhood, but the right to care for my children and to be a part of their lives is a big part of how I define my masculinity. Let me suggest that several men are going to respond to your post, and you will see that they too jealously guard their God given parental rights, and do their darndest to meet their responsibilities as Dads. Nobody wants to grow old alone.<P>Meantime, have you considered competant professional help? I strongly recommend seeking out a counslor that uses marriage builders principles.<P>You have a lot to deal with, but you don't have to do it alone. So hang in there, vent here, yell at us, talk to us, scream at us. It is OK, we understand.<P>When Knute Rockne was head coach at Notre Dame and his football team had won seventeen games in a row, he was approached by a newsman. He asked the coach: "Well, now that these guys have won seventeen games in a row, what kind of men do you think they are? Rockne replied: "Come on back when they lose and I'll tell you."<P>Tonight you, your baby, and your wife are in my prayers.<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nk:<BR><B>To add on top of this, a mos later, she was pregnant. Could it be my child or OM child who knows? She said it was my child. I told her to get an abortion. I'm not responsible for it. I didn't accept that the baby was my baby. Nine mos later, the baby delivered and the DNA proved that I was the father. I didn't want to accept it. I hate her for keeping the baby and for making my life miserable. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nk,<P>I thought about you last night, and it really brought back memories of the hurt, anger and yes, hate is the right word. I really feel for you. But feelings aren't facts. One of the things we men have to recognize is that our legal reproductive rights end with intercourse. When the Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade, the decision to allow abortions, the court relied heavily on a woman's right to privacy of her own body. We have no choice but to respect that.<P>When a man engages in intercourse, he assumes the risk of pregnancy and aquires the legal responsibility for any child conceived of that coupling. That is inside marriage or out. No method of birth control is 100%. Even sterilization fails on occasion. Women do not and cannot trick us into getting them pregnant. When we engage in intercourse, we accept the risk and acquire the responsibility. <P>It is certainly understandable that you don't want that responsibility of raising a child with your wife given the circumstances. The timing is horrific, maybe even tragic, but your baby has a God given right protected by our constitution, to both a mother and a father. Your baby needs you.<P>I'm wondering, is it a boy or a girl? What is the baby's first name?<P>Bumper <P>

It looks like your spouse is posting here too? (I'm thinking of kkeo's post: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002318.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002318.html</A> ).<P>If that is so, I'm curious if you guys are also talking to each other about this? If in fact you both are posting here, perhaps there is more hope than it appears. I dunno.<P>AGG