My partner of 7 1/2 yrs and I recently separated due to one act of physical abuse, brought on by a sexual addiction. I recognized this addiction during our first year together, but thought it was more connected w/the alcohol/drug addictions that he has overcome. He has been clean and sober for 7 years. He is a wonderful, caring and kind person inside. When he has allowed himself to open up and deal with me from this person inside, I am very happy, feel loved and appreciated...etc. I guess what I'm saying is my needs are met. But it seems that the addiction has taken over and ruled more and more of his life until a year ago I found out that he had had multiple one night stands. I felt devistated and numb for a long time. I decided to stay as we discussed working throught our problems together. Maybe we should have taken a break right then, but we didn't and now the frustration and all escalated into a case of physical abuse. I know I love this man deeply. <br>I moved out that same night and a few days later filed for a protective order which I got w/no problems, it includes manditory counseling. It has been 3 weeks and I feel I am begining to loose my dependance and "addiction" for him. I am begining to make decisions with my head and not letting my feelings take over so much now. Time is a wonderful thing.<br>Is it so strange to want this to work out. We have been together so long, we both love each other. He has asked me to meet him at a local cafe after work on Friday to "talk". Why is my first reaction to be scared that he will tell me our relationship is over? I know, though I feel sad about it, if he does I am a survivor and will get though this. I also know we will always be friends, no matter what. But I have always wanted to be married and be a real family with him. I always wanted him to really care about me, deeply. I wanted him to be honest with me, protect me, bring me presents, take me places.... I feel like my best friend died when he hurt me. I'm sad. <br>and I'm angry with myself that I didn't stand up for myself earlier in our relationship, that I didn't know what I do now. <br>I would appreciate any feed back -- I'm feeling kind of low about our relationship right now. I know that it is up to me what happens to us now, but I also know the only way for us to be a successful couple is for him to love and want me bad enough to loose his addiction. I guess what I'm saying is that I realize I have a decision to make, but that his decision or lack of decision will have a bearing on mine.<br>Thanks in advance

Lesa, from someone who has been married 25 years thinking that things would change and the abuse would stop, I want to tell you to run to the closest counselor who deals in all types of abuse and do it now. It is better to walk away after 7 years than be looking at walking away after 25 years. <p>Abuse doesn't stop. It just changes forms. Physical, Verbal and Emotional - one just substitutes for the other.<p>Hang in there. I understand what you are saying about wanting the good times. But, the long term cost of those good times is very high.<p><br>

Barb, is this really the only answer?<br>Can't people really change if they want to?<br>I read where one man posted that he had overcome a sexual addiction and was continuing to work on his relationship -- I think the post was in here. I am I just wishing for the impossible? <br>My SO has been able to change other parts of his life?<br>I don't want to be a statistic - but I'd love to be an exception. Is this just wishfull thinking? Do I really live w/rose colored glasses on?<br>

Lesa,<br>Congrats on taking the first step to perhaps changing your life for the better. I totally agree with Barb. Yes, 7 years does seem like a long time to invest in a relationship. But it's no time at all when you consider the # of years you have left to live! You CAN be happy if you let yourself. You mentioned that you're scared, yet hopeful that you'll be strong if the relationship does end. My gut feeling, as one who did end a relationship after 15 years (although for a very different reason) is that you should GO with your feeling of strength! There is not only *one* person out there for us...there may be someone much more suited to you and your needs and preferences. What do you have to lose? You're not happy now anyway, just scared of CHANGE as most of us are. Once you become strong *within* yourself, you won't feel the need to be dependent on another. I would suggest you continue counseling so that you have some support during this difficult time. Hope I haven't offended, just trying to lend some support. <p>A great big hug to you