I haven't posted in a very long time...I thought I was beyond and on my way. Last year after filing for divorce, I went through a barage of emotions...I thought by now I would be past the demons that I thought lie ahead. Not so.<P>My divorce was to be final in Novemeber...it is now March. We went to court today and my stbxh still won't sign anything. He changes his mind every other day. He wants to punish me for wanting a divorce. And he has.<P>I wanted so much to move on...to have a chance at being happy. Nothing seems to be working out. I am not sure why I'm writing...perhaps just to vent...I feel like I should be on my way and not still an emotional mess after a year. When does the darkness lift?

Not much I can say, other than I feel you.<P>Mine was supposed to be done in 6 months and cost less than $3,000. 13 months and over $10,000 later, we are still haggling over child support. So there are at least two more hearings. I had to fire my lawyer because I can't afford him anymore.<P>I am better emotionally, except around court days. Then I am royally p**sed. Starts a couple of days before and lasts a day or two after. Other than that, I don't think about her much.<P>I know she will always be part of my life. And I don't regret the time we had together. However, like you, lets get on with it.

I know, my divorce was also suppose to be over in six months; providing there weren't any real problems. My H admitted, he through up every hurdle he could think of. Well, he did a great job. My legal fees are now about $13K total...if I think about it I get sick. The last thing I want is go to trial, but if I don't, I get tossed out of my house without a penny, reduced childsupport, and would have to agree on paying spousal support..just in case my H loses his job. Never mind he makes twice the amount I do. <P>I look back and wonder how all this happened. Every time we go to court it is a nightmare; he harasses me, insults me, and makes threats. The fact that there is a restraining order on him doesn't deter him at all. Yesterday, he threatened to have me arrested for throwing something at him over a year ago. I had to sit in the domestic violence unit so he wouldn't bother me. What a nightmare. I am tired of crying...it seems to be a way of life anymore.<P>You know all I ever wanted was a little peace, a little happiness, to be treated with respect and dignity. I have gotten the direct opposite and it is so very tiring. I cringe at the thought of having to keep this up until May.<P>But, I will try to just move on and get on with things...maybe I could escape to the other ends of the earth.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lonelysoul (edited March 07, 2001).]

Oh Lonelysoul you bring back some painful memories. My divorce drug on and on also. My ex fought everything and when his attorney would tell him he was wrong he'd get mad, fire that attorney and hire another. Your life is a fog and you have a hard time just functioning. But you know what? That's part of his plan. Get you to cave and relieve him of some of his financial burden. In the end, it will backfire on him. Stay strong. Once it is finally over he'll be forced to get on with his own life instead of making yours miserable. I remember having a conversation with my dad a while back and he said that he thinks it takes a person involved in a bitter divorce 3-5 yrs. to get totally over it (their anger, pain, hurt). He said there was 3 guys in his department where he worked that had went through it and he said the first couple of years they were just terrible in regards to their ex. My first year of divorce was for bad in regards to the ex that I still have nightmares. It got a little better the next couple of years and now almost 5 years later he's finally finding things to do with his time rather then threaten me or worry about what I'm doing with my life. It does get better, your just right in the middle of the hell right now. Don't back down on what you know is right because once it's done it's hard to change.

BonnieSept:<P>Thanks for your words of encouragement. It has been a dark journey and as much as I try to stay optimistic, it seems that life will not be cooperative. If the divorce weren't draining enough, it seems as though everything else seems to be going to hell in a hand basket as well. Two weeks ago we had a snow storm...I came home from work and my heater had died...this week my transmission died on the car. My ex wanted the car...he can have it. I'm getting to the point where I just want to be free of all constraints. Everytime I resurface for air...something else happens. My opinion of men right now is not very high. I realize that there are some good ones out there; I just haven't met them yet.<P>

I guess my divorce is what you'd call a "slam dunk" (easy). Mabey it is because we never had any children, I don't know. I am glad that I don't have to go through the court dates, dragging on, etc., it must be so very hard.<BR> <BR>It is like my marriage is ending with such ease (putting aside my emotional pain). In a way it hurts, I can't believe how easily the life as I knew it and was so happy living, can end with just a few signatures. I feel like, why wasn't it worth a fight????????????<P>Divorce is so very hard, any way you cut it!!!!!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lonelysoul:<BR><B>He wants to punish me for wanting a divorce. And he has.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi LS,<P>Sure sorry to hear that you are still going through this. A divorce isn't the end of a marriage, it is more like the funeral ceremony. But I hope you stay strong.<P>In our state, we don't have equal distribution of the property, we have something called equitable distribution. It means a fair distribution considering things like earning ability, responsibility for child rearing, need for education and stuff like that. And we are an alimony state too.<P>The bottom line of our system is this: <P><B>The spouse who most desperately needs the divorce takes the worst financial beating.</B> <P>When warring spouses try to put pressure on each other, all it does is run up the legal bills, much like is happening in your case. But if the pressure comes from an outside source, like parents who want the separated spouse to get out of their house and on his or her own again, well that makes the obstinate spouse a lot more agreeable. And where men are concerned, there is nothing like an OW who wants to be the "e" in "We" to make him more agreeable to settling and finalizing a divorce.<P>There is no such animal as a romantic divorce. It is a very difficult time in life, just ask anyone who has been through it. My sense is that as long as your stbx knows he he can push your buttons, he will continue to do so. If there is ever a time when we need to allow our intellects to rule over our emotions, this is it. It is also the time when we are least equipped to do so.<P>I read somewhere that men who know how to play off of emotions rarely know how to play off of indifference. I wonder what his reaction would be if he saw you yawn rather than cry in the face of his threats. <P>I'm glad you are hanging out here and venting your feeling here. I really feel for your pain, but I love your honesty.<P>Bumper <P>

Hey Bumper:<P>Thanks for your comments. <P>I just wanted to say I didn't cry in front of my stbxh. I was safely in the confines of the Domestic Violence Unit...<P>Most of my dismay stems from being exhausted from all this. I never thought someone I was married to for so long would be so cruel. I quess I have come to the conclusion that he would like nothing more than have me thrown out to the street without a penny, with only the clothes on my back, and nothing else. <P>This hurts. I was a good wife and endured much. It is hard to stay strong. I don't have the luxury of having him take the kids...he won't agree to a visitation schdule...or assist in parenting decisions. He criticizes, but offers no help. Emotionally...I am numb. I truly fear men at this point...I don't trust them. Every time I trust a male...I get zapped. No more.<P>

Lonelysoul,<P>although we have had our differences in philosophy, and i am stubborn in my approach to life because it has served me well, (for everything except my first marriage) i hope that you find a better life. i hope that you will survive and not implode.<P>There are good men out there, just the available supply dwindles as we get older. don't give up, but take your time to heal first, and try to get to a safer place for you and your family.<P>good luck,<BR>and please don't take my disagreements personally.<BR>we just have different philosophies about life, but we<BR>have ended up at a similar place, so who is to say that either philosophy is very good at all?<P>keep posting, and hang tough with us, and we can help by offering a cyber shoulder to lean on.<P>tom<BR>