Hello,<P>Well I have decided that I need to start posting here. I have been on the EN Post for the past three weeks, but now there is no longer a need there. A little background for those that don't know me. I am 28 and a BS. My STBXW is 27 and the WS. Three weeks ago, she decided that this marriage was over. She gave me the "I don't love you, and I don't think I ever did." speech. As it turns out, she was involved in an EA. Since then, I believe that it has turned into a PA. She has spent the night over there several times. We have three beautiful kids. She is living in her fantasy world, and has decide to file for divorce. She has lied to me, to her family, and to her friends. She has been packing her things, and as soon as she gets her own place to stay, she is moving out. (More details on the EN Board if interested.)<P>I have been in Plan A since that first day. I found this website while looking for some kind of help for us. Unfortunately, she has made up her mind, and she seems very happy with her decision. I have to go on with my life now. Needless to say, I am very hurt by everything. I love my STBXW very much, and it tears me up inside knowing that I am losing her, especially to an OM. I still do not want this to happen, but she does. She says this will make her happy. I will believe that when I see it. <P>So here I am. I am continuing to do Plan A, more for myself now, with Plan D imminent. The support on this forum is wonderful. Anyone have any advice that might make this a little easier to cope with? I have started counciling for myself, and that is helping some.

Hi Griz,<P>I don't have any special words to help, and I'm sorry it took so long for you to get an answer here!<P>It seems like you have a handle on what you need to do. I'm sorry you're here. I hate to see new faces on this board because I just know the pain they are going thru when people suddenly lose their dreams and what they always thought would be their future. People really are a good support here. It just seems things have been slow around here lately and I don't exactly know why.<P>Well, I didn't get a chance to check EN, but if nothing has been initiated yet, you never know. We can still hope she might come out of it. My fingers are still crossed for you and I'll say a prayer.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Griz,<P>You are definitely not alone! It has been a year since my wife moved out and said the exact same words. I am 30, she is 27. I came here to this site about 8 months ago and began posting. Quickly I became friends with Jayhawk93. Why? Because just like you and me, he was similar in age and the circumstances were so similar to mine it was eery! Just knowing that someone was going through almost the exact same thing, helped me tremendously! That is why I am replying to your post...<P>What I was looking for back then were answers - fortunately some good people were there for me. They may not have had the answers I wanted, but they gave me some good advice. <P>What advice can I now offer you? <P>This is what has worked for me - although it has brought my wife back, - I do now feel like a new person - a stronger person. <P>Don't try to "lose" your feelings of love for your wife. What I found was that in the beginning the harder I tried to forget my love and "move on", the worse I felt. Guilt, sadness, anger - you name it. Eventually I came to a couple conclusions that literally changed my life:<P>1) I don't have to "move on" like everybody was telling me. There is no need to "find" someone new. I did choose to move forward with my life - but that did not mean I had to stop loving my wife (if that was how I felt).<P>2) I went through every emotion "in the book" as they arose. When I felt sad, I FELT sad. I didn't try and mask my feelings. Instead I tried to work through them<P>3) I prayed everyday - every morning for God to remove all the anger I was feeling. I knew that the anger was only my immaturity coming through. Being angry would only be hiding my pain. And just because my wife was hurting me, that did not mean I HAD to hurt her. Now I am thanking God that He gave me the strength to push the anger away. Don't get me wrong there were times where it showed up, it is just that when the angry feelings came, I worked through them by myself - I did not let my wife see them.<P>4) I focused on myself. I actually wish I had been able to do this more when things first happened in our marriage. Not that I became self-centered, rather I realized that while my wife did not admit to it, she was (and is) still confused. Unfortunately, I was only adding pressure to the situation. I should have worked harder to pull back - to give her room to breathe. If nothing else, try your hardest to do just that with your wife - give her space - give her more space then she asks for. Don't give in to the fear of losing her - you need to make yourself attractive to her once again and sometimes that means you need to appear like a challenge to her.<P>5) Get into some kind of exercise program. For me it was getting back to the gym. By exercising you will help keep your appetite, your sleep patterns and you will be helping to bolster your self-confidence (something you will need in the coming months). And on top of it all, exercise allows you to get your aggressions and stress out.<P>6) Make as minimal contact with your wife as possible. Don't be clingy or needy. Let her see that you are going to be just fine without her.<P>7) During this whole time, let her know EXACTLY how you feel. Let her know that you love her and you don't want a divorce. Tell her that if she persues a divorce you will hate her actions, but you won't hate her.<P>8) Everyone is going to offer you advice. Many will advise you to become mean, cruel and to look out for yourself. They are only saying this because they are hurting for you. But remember that you are the one who will be looking back in the mirror every morning for the rest of your life. Make yourself proud to look at that reflection! This is a great test of who you are - make it a worthy one.<P>Griz, like my wife, yours is "in the fog". The grass appeared greener and she needs to see what is out there. It sucks! Believe me I know. Focus on you and your children now. Be strong. If you have God in your life, great - lean on Him. If you don't, then maybe it might be a good time to establish a relationship with Him.<P>My last piece of hard learned advice: Nothing you can say will change her mind. Letters, calls, pleas - none of it works. Once you stop trying to fix things, you will relieve yourself of the pressure. I still have faith in my wife, as I do in yours. But I know that it is going to be a long hard battle. If you believe in your vows, as I do in mine, give your wife the time to find herself.<P>Finally know that you made mistakes, she made mistakes. That is what marriage is all about. While she may say she never loved you, she is only trying to rationalize her decisions. Her conscience will catch up to her one day. Whatever happens,focus on bettering yourself now and when this is all over, however it goes, you will be a better man for it.<P>God Bless,<P>MIke<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Griz<BR>Well, I am the BS and my H is the WS. I am 38 and he is 36. We have been married almost 14 years. we had 3 children in 2.5 years and when my youngest was 1.5, he started (I believe) his EA. Discovery day was appox. May19, 2000. I did all the groveling stuff trying to convince his relationship was wrong but he continued to rebuff, we are only friends. HaHa.<P>To make long disgusting story short, He finally admitted EA with other woman and after x-mas told me he didn't want to work on our marriage any more. he never used the word divorce. Anyway, I filed onl Jan3, 2001 and I regret it. I don't want a divorce and I now know that I could not live with myself being the initiator. Some people say it doesn't matter who does what but It matters to me. <P>It was interesting because around that time of papers served, I told him to go. Gol live wiht honey and her kids. Get out. have a nice time. Just don't take the kids with you. We then started being "friendly" to each other. Nothing serious but amicable, nice, etc. Anyhow, H hasn't left yet. Can't afford to he says but leaves every night to whereever. Anyway, he broke up wtih OW (per him, I don't believe 100%) and now found a new OW. He seems to like women that will be his friend and help him take care and feed the kids. He is in THE FOG BIG TIME.<P>I realized during this that you can't understand what they are doing because they really don't know what they are doing. You can't control them. You can't make them change. You only can love them and sometimes love them enough to let them go and fall on their face. I would say IMHO, if you don't want divorce, don't file. Let her do the dirty work. Why doesn't she go live with OM? What is stopping her? Work on yourself, take care of YOU. Take care of the kids because someone has to be the adult and protect them, even from their mother. Be the best person you can be because you Might have to live without her some day. this is hard to say, hear and live. I don't want it either. <P>Keep coming to vent, read and listen and use the parts of what you learn to adapt to your own situation.<P>Hopelessmom