Ok... <P>Currently we're (STBX and 3 kids) living in the same house - my parents - after having come home from living in E. Europe (past six years). H wants to separate - sees no hope - with an eventual divorce. He's at my parents home also because that's where our three kids are - with me. He's in a separate bedroom.<P>So, we're trying to decide where in the massive country (USA) we're going to settle down. We KNOW that for the kids that we need to be within 70 mile radius of each other. STBX thinks maybe next door or across the street. But, I've read on Sisyphus' post some of the complications of that... So, what am I supposed to do here?!<P>I'm still working on Plan A (massively limiting any LBers) and having a hard time with the Negotation Agreement - nothing without enthusiastic agreement b/c when I try, STBX always says, "Why do you even ask... you're going to do what you want anyway!" EERGH. I really am trying but only get cynicism thrown in my face... okay so what, keep trying.<P>What are YOUR thoughts on how we decide where in the US to move (priorities: a) lifestyle best for kids b) job opportunities - we're both international consultants so near a decent airport and c) affordability - two homes!).<P>AND, what are your pros and cons for living SOOOOOOO close to each other. I'm wanting to reconcile but he sees no hope. So, I'm really looking for some insights here...<P>Our time frame is when our oldest (7) gets out of school this May - we then will move this summer. But WHERE? Waiting on God and trying to be discerning and wise here... <P>Your thots...?<P>ps - later I may ask about how to help my kids adjust in this upcoming disaster to their family... (unless there's a post someone can point me to)<P>------------------<BR>Doing what you like is freedom... Liking what you do is happiness

I think "Why do you even ask... you're going to do what you want anyway!" is a sign of a <I>controlling</I> spouse, rather than a sign that the spouse who is rejecting control is doing anything massively out of line. I struggle to find a major decision during my marriage that <I>I</I> <B>really</B> drove, or did over my XW's wishes (doesn't mean I can't find any, but they're sparse). And yet I heard that litany time and time again. <P>As to where to live, Orlando or the Tampa Bay area might fit the bill. Don't try to place yourself between them ... I-4 is not in good shape, and won't be fixed for years. <P>And moving close together is fine as long as you understand why your doing it and then make some ground rules. I was <I>blindsided</I> by my XW's choice of digs, and it didn't make sense to me ... and if I had figured it out sooner, things might have been a lot different.

Thanks Sisyphus... but has it been a positive or negative? Or rather, what's been good and what's been bad about living so close together... I mean really seeing her from your bedroom window, reading... that just seems way to close to me for my situation. How do you or she date or ever have anyone come over? Doesn't it cause complications? And, is your divorce final with NO chance of reconciliation? I don't know... trying to make these decisions is so complicated to know what's best.<P>You're right on the controlling bit... you see, our situation is all "my fault" because of the behaviors I've displayed earlier - these are natural consequences (alienation in the relationship) and therefore death of our marriage. It's because of 'me' - so I keep hearing. So, with this type of negotiation and communication, I'm concerned about living so close together. So be it... he is who he is and I am who I am. This has been a big part of the problem - my not accepting him for who he is - warts and all...<P>We now just need to figure out how to work together. How did Plan A go for you? Once again, pros and cons to that process... Are you still doing the MB principles in your dialogue with your Ex? Sorry if I'm being to probing here... just trying to learn from others experience I guess... Ciao!<P>------------------<BR>Doing what you like is freedom... Liking what you do is happiness

You may be starting from fairly far back here. She moved to a place I really don't see, and that she really doesn't see me (it's on the other side of a building I frequent only at the end of my day, and well before the end of hers). I just saw a lot of implications in her choice, particularly since it was <I>not</I> terribly close to her work (although certainly similar to a location we had once lived -- during the time she has worked in that place), and since she had dissed the building in the past.<P>My divorce is final, and as for reconciliation, how can you say never? I saw a guy on TV the other night who returned to his 4th wife <I>after</I> having spent a dozen years or so as a woman (complete with surgery)! But I am really settled with my current GF, and barring a brain tumor (on my part--if, God Forbid, something happened to GF I don't think it would affect my attitude), I wouldn't be back with XW. <P>I didn't run a Plan A because at the time I was not getting good advice, and I had no idea that Plan A could be run in the absence of a known affair (and I now think there was at least an <I>EA</I> that I wasn't cognizant of--there was <I>certainly</I> one in our history--again, I didn't <I>get it</I> back then, only felt a vague uneasiness).<P>Right now we are communicating solely through her attorney. Things have deteriorated that far.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited March 07, 2001).]

Hello you two,<P>I think that living close by is GOOD, but across the street is just asking for trouble - ESPECIALLY if there are still love feelings for your ex-spouse. Do you really want to see them bring someone home for the night, or dressed up to go out, or even out in the yard working on the garden every Saturday? I couldn't do it!<P>Sisyphus, I agree with your thoughts about "had you known then what you know now." Yes, things would be different in my case had I realized some basic truths (about saving your marriage) that can be found here and elsewhere. I would not be divorced today. And isn't that a shame? <P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*

But in reality, it goes to show you the power of the internet to find ideas and answers to even some of the most difficult questions and situations. it is the good internet, not to be feared.<P>tom<P>live in the same town, great!<BR>live on the same street, no!<P>unless you have an extremely thick skin, and<BR>can really close the door on your relationship<BR>and still maintain a friendly demeanor,<BR>not next door!<P>its bad enough bumping into them at the store, <BR>at the athletic games, when dropping the kids off,<BR>forget being able to see them through a window!<P>ick! not with a friend like that!<P>negotiate that into the agreement!<P>good luck,<BR>tom

Interesting...I don't know that I'd want to live next door or across the street from my x...just think of how hard it would be if you seen him bring ow home..or when he sees you<BR>start dating other men...