I would appreciate any comments from all out there in cyberspace. I am devastated because my 2nd husband seems to be tantalized by the internet, specifically the porn sites. He promised me when I was pregnant and caught him that he would stop, but he has not. I am attractive and have always been more than giving sexually...after the baby I still am attractive but I think he is tired of me. He says this is not so but then why would he continue to secretly view these sites? I am basically washing my hands of him, though we will stay married. Mostly because of my lack of trust of him. He is very strict, very difficult to live with because of his lofty standards, but then I catch him looking at smut in the basement when he could be helping me with his baby daughter. A major hypocrite. Please help me to cope with this. I feel TOTALLY rejected and like I might do something to get back at him that I might regret later. I do not want to live with a dishonest person who does not do things to make our marriage stronger. BTW, we have only been married for 1 1/2 yrs. Sad, isn't it? <br>

Im sorry you are having this problem. But we need to hear something about your side of the problem. It is easy to see the problem caused by the internet porn. But are their other problems in the marriage? Do you have a good sex life? Plenty? Is it an issue?<br>Other than that is everything ok?<br>Dont write him off. Marriage is sacred and this is a problem that can be deleivered by God.

Thank you Pragmatic for you response, I know you are caught up in your own complicated issues right now. Yes indeed, we have our problems not the least of which is that, IRONICALLY, our marriage was the end-product of an affair that I had with this man almost 5 years ago. I had been married quite young to my high-school sweetheart and I felt I was missing something;the devastation I caused , (we had 2 children, who are now doing great thank goodness) caused in me a deep depression which I am just now emerging from. Dr. Harley talks about that in some of his writings and it's true...but anyway, I vowed that this time I would put more care into the relationship and not be so selfish...our baby is fantastic but has put a huge strain on our marriage because husband was a bachelor til late thirties. husband #2 and I had an incredible sexual attraction but now he comes up with all these excuses for why the frequency has dropped off..."I'm older," or "I'm tired at night". Maybe these are legit, maybe not. We have totally different styles, I'm very passionate and a free-thinker and he's very reserved and, as he put it, a "hard science guy". I think the initial fiery passion may have overshadowed our serious differences in our styles. Who knows.

deliliah: Some thoughts from this Martian:<p>Pornography is targeted and marketed to us guys. Yeah, some women like it, but porn is mainly designed to push 'guy' buttons: it's visual, it's titillating, and it pushes our fantasies (and often our hands) into high gear. And with the 'net, it's easily accessible, as you realize. And it attracts us Martians like dog poop attracts flies! (How's THAT for an analogy!)<p>If hubby is looking at porn, it's almost a sure bet that he feels his sexual needs aren't being met. Remember, just as YOU define YOUR own needs, HE defines HIS own needs. A sex life you find satisfying, could be leaving him very frustrated. A compromise may be in order--a little more sexual fullfillment from you, a little more family committment from him. Sort of a tit-for-tat! Or in this case, tit-for-that! (Sorry, I couldn't resist!)<p>A suggestion: Many people have their computer, and thus their 'net access, in some out-of-the-way corner of their house. Such places are primo locations for those tempted to porn-surf. To reduce the temptation, and to make you feel better, how about moving the 'puter to a central, family area? Our 'puter at home is in our 'great' room, where everyone is constantly walking through. Any legit. use is still do-able, although if you have kids, you might need earplugs!<p>But having the 'puter in a common area makes it much harder to porn-surf. It also makes it more difficult for a cyber-friendship to become something it never should be.<p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited 01-27-99).]

change your server to one that screens out porn sites.

Thank to all for a reply When I informed him that some of you seem to think it was because he wasn't sexually satisfied, he totally disagreed. While it's true the frequency is not to my liking, he says that he is perfectly happy with what we do. Believe me, he gets what he wants and I am happy to do it. I'm no prude. He says guys just like to look and reluctantly promised not to do it but I could tell he was annoyed. <br>Another thing...for the women out there...is it really a victory that we get our men to "behave" by instituting all of the "controls" when, inside, they really don't want to? That's the things that really hurts me.The narcissistic (or maybe just insecure!) part of me wants him to only want me, but I guess from what I've heard it's pretty unrealistic. I guess depite my education and age I am still holding on to the fantasy of a perfect love. Is there really any such thing...

opps!<p>[This message has been edited by ima_b_leever (edited 02-08-99).]

deliliah<p>The viewing of pornogrphy, especially if it occurs with any regularity, is almost always an addiction. By definition an addiction is something that one cannot control by themself with any consistancy. Chances are that your husband hates himself for succumbing to the tempatation, but just can't seem to get himself to stop.<p>If it is an addiction, it has nothing to do with whether or not you are fulfilling him sexually. He needs to remove himself from the material and acknowledege that he can't control this without help from God and accoutability to someone in a trusting relationship (probably a male mentor that he can speak freely with.)<p>It should be handled just like one who is addicted to alcohol.<p>When he's in an honest and trusting mood, ask him if he feels he's in complete contol about <br>whether or not he looks at the stuff. Ask if it makes him feel worse about himself afterwards. I too used to struggle with this problem. Another thing I noticed is that when my ego was bruised, I had a much more difficult time resiting the temptation.<p>Lastly, if your h is not yet ready to admit that he has a problem that is beyound his ability to control, I suggest you get some help from a councilor, or someone familiar with the concepts used in al-annon, to coach you through the steps you need to take that will allow him to help himself. (PS: the suggestion about moving the computer to an open family area is good one.<p>I'll be praying for you both.<br>

delilah, you wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes indeed, we have our problems not the least of which is that, IRONICALLY, our marriage was the end-product of an affair that I had with this man almost 5 years ago.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not to sound insensitive, or like I'm trying to scare or punish you, but this is very likely a major problem for your marriage. Statistics show that there is a huge incidence of divorce among people who have married the OM/OW from an affair they had while married. You and he should get some serious counseling - you are starting out on a foundation that is shaky at best. Your observation that "the initial fiery passion may have overshadowed our serious differences in our styles" is probably very very true. But you are not necessarily incompatible if you can, through counseling, find enough common ground to begin to heal your relationship.<p>If you and he can agree to seek counseling together, try to find a "solution-oriented" therapist. He or she will help you to identify the problems in your marriage and help you to brainstorm solutions and implement them. A counselor like this is more of a "facilitator" than anything - you are really doing the work - which is good, because if you are the ones in control, you will adjust better after counseling is through, and be able to continue the things that have helped you to improve your relationship.<p>terri