dont know where to start my life is in such turmoil over this I have been married for 14 years this july and til about a year ago I thought everything was fine. Guess not or I wouldnt even be here she told me that things were not right and that we needed to seperate for a while and work things out. All I ever wanted to do was to make her happy so after discussing this for some time(2 months) I agreed and moved out. I felt so hurt and betrayed by the whole thing that yes I did not try to work it out. A friend (yes female) was having some problems in her relationship at the time and i helped her out by helping her move to a house she'd just bought (a fixer-upper) and helped her fix it yes i spent alot of time there helping her. But was never to involved in it to help my wife with whatever she needed. Well anyway despite all that we began working things out and were continuing our marrital relations even though we shared seperate homes I thought everything was fine then one day she up and told me she wanted a divorce and that I wasnt trying to save our marraige at all was just after the sex and now I feel so hurt by this more so than being driven from my home that I cant even think straight at times . I desperatly want to save my marraige but it seems so hopeless. I asked her out so I could show her how much I stil love her and she says she feels uncomfortable around me. She still thinks love is sex I just want to take her out and show her a good time hoping she will see that my feelings for her havent changed at all I am not out for phyiscal love but want to rekindle the emotions and feelings we once felt for each other. maybe my mistake was telling her my intentions instead of just saying hey lets go out and do something this weekend as friends. and know she tells me she cant get past my friendship with the other person even though after she voiced her concerns I let my friend know it was hurting my chances of getting back with my wife and I could no longer help her. There was no physical relationship with the friend what so ever just a friendship we have had for a longtime there never was and never will be. However my wife thinks there was and I cannot convince her otherwise.<BR>Wow that helped some thanks for letting me vent some any comments will be appreciated

Find out from her what was lacking.<P>Then get into counseling with the Harleys (counsel button at top of your page), or a pairs.com, retrouvaille.org or gottman.com workshop or seminar.

Welcome <B>Negahnepoc</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You've got to give up your female "friend"...<BR>...if you don't you're marriage is hopelessly lost.<P>Discuss a "no contact" letter (no contact with your "friend")... with your W.<P>For a simple one check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004165.html" TARGET=_blank>Okay, here goes, no contact letter......</A>...<BR>or <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004237.html" TARGET=_blank>No Contact Letter (please give your comment)</A>...<P>Check out the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> for a 'standard' draft form.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Recovery is possible...<BR>...not for everyone...<BR>...but for many.<BR>Choose to be one who "did their best" to save their marriage.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thank You for your replies unfortunatly she wont even consider counseling even if the judge orders it she said she would go but it would not help. As for her wants I know what she wants its for me to leave her alone and stop trying and causing myself more hurt. we are still friends and the divorce isnt over yet april 6 its final it has been suggested to back off and let it happen and try again but I am affraid that if I back off she will misinterpt it as my not wanting to work it out. <P>As for my female friend we have not spoken in over 9 months when I told her our friendship was not helping my marriage we stopped communicating altogether. and it was friend not "friend" if I gather the meaning of the "__" as a question on my fedility. I have never and will never doing anything physical with another til I am certain it is over for good I have the greatest respect for my vows I made when we were married.

What plans would you have for your lives and meeting your wife's unmet needs if you were to get back together with her. How would things be different. What would she get, spiritually and materially in the way of fulfillment if you were back in the picture? Would you live someplace different, be friends with different people, pursue a different career, have children, make religious changes, do different recreation together, have different conversations?<P>You can start writing to her about these things, perhaps moving gradually from preprinted Hallmark to totally handwritten letters. <P>She could throw them away without opening them. But perhaps not--she invested a lot into the relationship without tangible returns, but you might just convince her to stay invested and not to cut her losses.