My wife and youngest daughter left me about 3 weeks ago. I am amazed how happy my wife seems to be during our separation. It was the worst day of my life when she and my daughter came to take things from our home of 22 years to start her own home. I am confused about what should be my response to her during this time of separation? My wife seems to enjoy telling me how well she is doing without me in her life. I had posted more details of this situation earlier. <P>The hurt that I feel makes any thought of being around my wife in a "dating" situation even with another couple repulsive. She seems to have no remorse nor does she accept any responsibility for the problems in our relationship. <P>We have a counseling class together (3 more left) each week. The class covers how to relate to others appropriately. It seems like the wounds and hurts of our separation are intensified when I go to the class and see my wife so happy when I am hurting so much. <P>My wife seems to be very intent on being "assertive" and seems to confuse the opposite of codependency as that of independence instead of interdependence. Our counselor feels that my wife suffers from codependency and I need to work on seeing things too black and white. <P>Should I try to assist in moving furniture and other belongings to her apartment? While I don't think my wife is romantically involved with another man, it seems like Plan A requires some degree of "tough love" even in our situation. Assisting in her independence by moving furniture, etc. seems to be contradictory to the goal of reconciliation! <P>Is it possible to recover from the deep hurts of betrayal and develop a healthy relationship and reconciliation if one spouse is so self focused and intent on developing her "own life"?<P>Thank you for any insights you may have.<P>------------------<BR>

Now, i believe in never reacting (when possible) with anger, difficult once in a while, but that is the goal, and i don't like revenge.<P>If she wants to leave, help her. let her find out what reality is like. be supportive, and wish her well.<P>Now that she is gone, or as soon as she is gone, <BR><B> start working on yourself </B> <P>you need to understand your portion of the collapse, nothing but focus on yourself. do you really understand yourself?<BR>have you ever lived alone before? do you know what your personality type is, and how it contributed? what are your hot buttons? have you read the four standard books here?<BR>do you read alot? <P>wiftty<P>

You might look into this book on separation:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984144293/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984144293/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306</A> <P>Should I Stay or Go : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>Now, i believe in never reacting (when possible) with anger, difficult once in a while, but that is the goal, and i don't like revenge.<P>If she wants to leave, help her. let her find out what reality is like. be supportive, and wish her well.<P>Now that she is gone, or as soon as she is gone, <BR> start working on yourself </B> <P>you need to understand your portion of the collapse, nothing but focus on yourself. do you really understand yourself?<BR>have you ever lived alone before? do you know what your personality type is, and how it contributed? what are your hot buttons? have you read the four standard books here?<BR>do you read alot? <P>wiftty<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure what you mean by the four standard books. I have read many books on marital relationships during the past few months. I'm reading Relationship Rescue now. <P>My personality type according to our counselor is very consistent with the accountant that I am. I am very detail oriented and consistent. I forgot the name he called my personaility type. My wife is almost totally opposite. <P>I did not meet my wife until I was 26. I had lived alone during college and Army training. I am pretty much able to live alone without problems related to maintaining a household. The factor that is most difficult is the "being alone" and feeling like my family has been ripped from me. <P>While it is fine to say concentrate on fixing myself, I have done all that I know and have read to do to try to make our relationship healthy. When I ask my wife what specifically she wants to see changed, she responds in very non-specific terms such as "a better marriage", a "healthier marriage" etc. She seems to be more intent on being independent than she is in making our relationship work. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>You might look into this book on separation:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984144293/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984144293 /sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306</A> <P>Should I Stay or Go : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I ordered the book. Hopefully it will arrive in the next week or so.<P>Thanks

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dey1:<BR><B>It seems like the wounds and hurts of our separation are intensified when I go to the class and see my wife so happy when I am hurting so much.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your wife is experiencing a kind of euphoria, since she has escaped the burdens of responsibility (responsibility for your feelings) that her codependency had placed on her. The same thing happened with my wife.<P>I think this euphoria is akin to the euphoria that a WS experiences in an affair, and I don't think it will last. Although the last time I saw my wife (at the county courthouse in January) she was smiling and laughing, I suspect that her mask of togetherness is largely a sham she is putting on in a desperate attempt to hold on to that euphoria. Since my wife left me last July, she has gradually cut more and more pieces of what matters to her out of her life, and why would she do that unless beneath her facade she is finding it difficult to hold herself together?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My wife seems to be very intent on being "assertive" and seems to confuse the opposite of codependency as that of independence instead of interdependence.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Yes. My wife seems completely incapable of understanding even the <I>concept</I> of interdependence. In her view, she is either dependent or independent, and she is really tired of being dependent.<P>The thing is, I don't think you can achieve healthy interdependence until you are capable of being independent. My wife never had an opportunity to prove to herself that she <I>can</I> be independent, and she is riddled with self-doubt.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Should I try to assist in moving furniture and other belongings to her apartment? While I don't think my wife is romantically involved with another man, it seems like Plan A requires some degree of "tough love" even in our situation. Assisting in her independence by moving furniture, etc. seems to be contradictory to the goal of reconciliation!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think it's contradictory at all. If my belief about interdependence is correct, then you <I>want</I> your wife to be independent - for just long enough to recognize that interdependence is actually preferable!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Is it possible to recover from the deep hurts of betrayal and develop a healthy relationship and reconciliation if one spouse is so self focused and intent on developing her "own life"?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that the more understanding you can achieve regarding your wife's feelings and psychology, the less you will feel betrayed (because you will not take it so personally). The hurt... I don't know. Mine hasn't really lessened all that much. But I have found that focusing on compassion for my wife makes an effective distraction.<P>If your wife had been in a severe accident or contracted some debilitating disease, wouldn't you put your Taker on the backburner and let your Giver come to the fore?<P>You're going to have to learn patience.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> I think that the more understanding you can achieve regarding your wife's feelings and psychology, the less you will feel betrayed (because you will not take it so personally). The hurt... I don't know. Mine hasn't really lessened all that much. But I have found that focusing on compassion for my wife makes an effective distraction.<P>If your wife had been in a severe accident or contracted some debilitating disease, wouldn't you put your Taker on the backburner and let your Giver come to the fore?<P>You're going to have to learn patience.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I appreciate your comments. It would have been helpful if a counselor would have called me aside and told me that my wife just needs a few months to start a healing process. If we could even have come to some agreement as to what the goals of the separation were it would "feel" so much less personal. Stated another way, it would be much easier to feel like I am investing in our future relationship if we could define the problems and then decide together what course of action is necessary to come to health. As it is now, it feels like I am being totally rejected since she left without any clarification as to why or for how long. <P>I am praying for God's wisdom to help me to see things in the "big picture" instead of interpreting everything in the here and now. <P>Thanks again for your insights. I wish I could get patience and get it now!! <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dey1:<BR><B><BR>My wife seems to be very intent on being "assertive" and seems to confuse the opposite of codependency as that of independence instead of interdependence. Our counselor feels that my wife suffers from codependency and I need to work on seeing things too black and white. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>I don't know a lot about codependence, but you might be interested in this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html" TARGET=_blank>article</A> by Dr. Harley.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I'm not sure what you mean by the four standard books. I have read many books on marital relationships during the past few months. I'm reading Relationship Rescue now. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><B>Relationship Rescue</B> is liked by a lot of people. I think the "four standard books" would be <B>His Needs, Her Needs</B>, <B>Give and Take</B>, <B>Surviving an Affair</B>, and <B>Love Busters</B>, all written or co-authored by Dr. Harley. If you click on the link at the top of the page to go to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>main Marriage Builders site</A> you can find the books in the "Bookstore" link at very reasonable prices.<P>You might first follow the link to "Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts". Lots of people come here to the forums, and often get very good advice, but the forums here should generally be considered a supplement to the Harley materials.<P>Good luck,<P>Steve<BR>