Also Posted in Resolving Conflict<p>I have been dealing with ongoing serious conflict with my wife for the last seven months. She accuses me of having sexual feelings for other women, and that is unacceptable to her. By sexual feelings, she means fantasizing about having sex with people who she knows, in particular, our son's nanny. She asked me seven months ago, when we were making love and talking about fantasies, what sexual fantasy I had that didnt involve her. That was a trap. I wasnt thinking we were speaking seriously, and told her that I thought about having sex with the nanny. She flipped out. I thought everything was perfect in our relationship, except that we both worked too hard and were under too much stress. My wife had just given birth to our second child six weeks before this confrontation. She told me that she had known I felt that way because of the way I looked at the nanny. I told her that I thought the nanny was attractive, but didnt actually spend time thinking about having sex with her, and that I would never cheat on her.<br>She asked me to leave, and I resisted. That was seven months ago and I could write a novel about everything that has happened since, but a brief synopsis would be that we spent six month arguing about whether thinking about other people sexually was wrong. My focus was that men are different from women, and that I was certainly better than most men who read porno magazines, or go to Hooters. Her point was that she didnt care how I compared, she hated any behaviour like that and no longer loved me because of it. She has allowed me to stay because of the kids, but things have gone downhill. We moved to another state to try to start anew, but she really doesnt want to try. I have read a library full of books on rebuilding relationships and put much into practice. I have seen three counsellors and my current one, Steve Harley, is excellent and has allowed me to see things differently. I no longer try to defend myself by saying I am just a man. I have told her that I realize that I cannot justify my actions by what is accepted by society, but only by what is acceptable to her. I committed to change any behavior or habits which she disagreed with or found offensive. I try hard not to get defensive when she gets verbally abusive, calling me every name in the book. I have made major strides at eliminating Love Busters that have plagued us for the last seven months. She says that I did the one thing she can never forgive me for and that she refuses to work on our relationship. She refuse to see a counsellor, and has only briefly looked at Love Busters. She said it was disrespectful to her feelings suggesting that my behavior was merely an annoying habit. We had another bad session of her attacking and me beng unable to hold myself together. I fall apart crying and telling her how she should have told me her feelings were changing, and that this is not just my fault.<br>I left shortly after for a short business trip, where I am now. I spoke on the phone with her last night, which I stayed non-confrontational and passive, but she ranted and raved and called me names until she hung up. Her point was that this could not go on, and that one day I would come home to find her and the kids gone. That nothing I could do to change my behavior would make any difference.<p>I know that things have to change too. If they dont, one or both of us will end up with a mental breakdown. She has tried to ignore my presence in the house and treat me like a roomate or co-parent, but not a spouse. She says just looking at me reminds her of all that she has lost, and how much she misses it, and how she can never have love or romance with me again. She has never once in seven months, conceeded that maybe we could work things out, despite my constant attention and trying to do so.<p>The question now is what to do. I love her more than life itself. In addition, I love my kids and want them to grow up with two parents who love them and each other. My belief structure is that marriage is for life, especially when kids are involved. I want my wife and I to set an example for them of how great things can be. I know that if we cannot work things out, I will feel like I have failed in my life and in my beliefs. Our kids will not have what they could if we stay together, and neither of us will feel as fulfilled as we would if we could work things out.<p>What should I do? I know she is going to want major changes to make her life less stressful, and she sees my presence as causing that stress. She says she needs to take positive steps forward in her life, instead of lanquishing in despair.<p>How can a win-win-win situation come out of this for both of us and the kids. I think seperation or divorce is lose-lose-lose.<p>HELP! <br>

Matt,<p>It sounds like your wife is really blowing everything out of proportion. Unless there is more to this story than I can see from here, she is really over reacting. I know the agony you're feeling with the future of your family remaining intact being in jeopardy. It's tremendously difficult to live with. But you sound like you've taken the right steps. While it's small consolation you got in trouble simply for a careless admission about a fantasy. Most of us men get in trouble for neglecting our wives, being selfish and thoughtless to them or having an affair. To me it speaks well for you that you sought self-improvement based on that alone. Some of us have marital bombs explode in our faces and we still don't get it.<br>I would say stay with the counseling and stick to the course of improvement you've committed to. As we've all painfully discovered there is no way to change the behavior or outlook of your spouse except indirectly by changing yourself. I'm mystified as to why your wife is willing to break up a family based only on your admitting a fantasy. Either there is really more to it than this or she is very, very insecure. I don't know. Stay the course and don't quit. You've got plenty of company and you're hardly the only guy who's made a mistake. Take it slow, a piece at a time, and don't be too hard on yourself. Take care.

Matt,<p>I'd stick with Steve, and continue to show patience and keep the faith. <p>It sounds like your wife is mentally ill; suffering from either OCD or a different depressive state. You can't force her to get evaluated, but this may give you more patience for dealing with her symptoms. And unfortuantely, she may need to go through a breakdown before seeking help for this.

Although the dynamics are not the same, you and I are in exactly the same place. My wife claims that my Angry outbursts over nine years have driven her to a place of zero desire for recon. At the same time she has two instances of infidelity in those years. Anyway, the similarities are that she and I are living together "for the kids". Not a day or opportunity goes by that she doesnt tell me she wants the divorce and me out of the house. Here I sit like you wanting to recon, not only for the kids but for a relationship with my wife. it is the most lowest helpless feeling I have ever felt. Like you I am deeply in love. I feel almost wierd, I do not want another woman, I do nothing with friends outside the home, I am home immediately after work, i tend to things, the people I work with told her I am the guy who always says "count me out" when it comes to cocktails after work or something.<br>Back to you. I have found great comfort in the fact that what you are doing and I am doing is sound Biblical truth. Divorce is not of God. When Jesus gave permission for divorce after infidelity, he even then did not do it lightly. He was relentlessly asked over and over and finally he gave them an answer. My belief is that even in adultry you work like never before on the marriage.<br>I will pray for you.

Thanks for the support.<p>I cannot speak to shat my wife saw or assume from my behaviour. I can only say what I felt, and I know that in 5 years of marriage and ten years of being together before that, I have never had feelings for anyone else which wer ever a threat to my feelings for her. I have made my share of mistakes, that is for sure. I have stopped trying to say that it is her problem, and resolve to the fact that as Harley says, if you are doing something which bothers your spouse, you must change it, no matter what. I certainly wish that she could see the future which we can have together. I guess it is hard in her situation. <p>There have been a lot of other pressures and stresses in our lives, and I think she could see the way for us more clearly f the other stresses werent there. We are working towards lessening those other things, but it takes time.<p>I appreciate the comments and any other encouragement or advice you can offer.<p>

Sorry Double Post.<p><p>[This message has been edited by Matt (edited 01-28-99).]

I agree with the other posts your wife is over-reacting. It is very normal for men and women to sometimes fantasize. The question is why is your wife magnifying this out of proportion and trying to kick you out. This behaviour is either a sign of a mental illness or deliberate attempt to have you leave her because of her guilt feelings. Her irrational behaviour is in my opinion very suspicious.

I agree with the other posts your wife is over-reacting. It is very normal for men and women to sometimes fantasize. The question is why is your wife magnifying this out of proportion and trying to kick you out. This behaviour is either a sign of a mental illness or an deliberate attempt to have you leave her.Maybe she is projecting her feelings of guilt by throwing accusations at you. Her irrational behaviour is in my opinion very suspicious.

Matt,<br>It sounds as if your wife might have a huge insecurity issue. Have you guys had problems before with you looking at other women? Has she been cheated on before? It sounds like either she's experienced some of the above, has a really low self esteem or there's more to this. I know previously my husband & I had a problem because I knew women hit on him but he wouldn't admit it. That made me even more suspicious as to why he was lieing. After reading His Needs..., he told me several things he'd "protected" me from. Ultimately, that protection caused more harm than good. Initially, it was tense cuz my trust was weak but we're working through it. Keep at what your doing and try to get her in the counseling w/you. Honestly, the nanny was a little too close to home for her comfort so it sounds like there's a lot more to this than is evident on the surface. Good luck!