I made a mistake of divorcing my husband. Infidelity was the backbreaker for me (on his part) I was very young then and should have tried to work on rebuilding my marriage - but I didn't even know where to begin and never thought I could forgive such a thing. I know with a doubt it was a mistake now as I cannot seem to get him out of my mind and thoughts. We have a child together so we see each other often. I am remarried and I care very much for my husband and am bound and determined to make my marriage work. What do you do when your heart (and real love) is with another person even though you know you have made another commitment? I cannot avoid seeing my ex or communicating due to the child. They are very close. We talk about all aspects of his life. I have tried, I have prayed, I have done everything to get him out of my heart and cannot. What do you do next?<br>

Celine,<p>You need to concentrate your efforts on making your marriage work. Either through counseling, or on your own. It'll help if your husband gets on board with this too.<p>I'm betting that Dr. Harley would suggest that you discuss these feelings with your current husband. That wouldn't be much fun, but it would let him know what the situation is. He might respond to it very well.<p>You shouldn't see your ex. Period. You don't have to to have your child maintain a relationship with him. That's a selfish desire on your part. You're going to have to put a stop to it.

K - <br>Thanks - but I am shocked at your saying " I don't have to have my child maintain a relationship with him". First, it is mandated by the court that he has visitation every other weekend and 2 weeknights for 3 hours (in divorce decree) - and he appears at all my childs school activities and social activities. You are correct that I desire them to maintain a relationship - I do and if that is wrong in remarriage than I definitely did the wrong thing!!! I will never force a separation of the two of them. <br>My real point was that I am committed to my marriage - I will "make" it work - I do not want another divorce. Ever. I won't do anything to violate the marriage rules. <br>But, I will not separate my child from his father. Thats crossing the boundaries in my eyes. Is that wrong? I would have hated my parents if they'd of done that to me.

Celine,<p>I'm shocked too!!!! But that's not what I said (there are 2 "to"s in my sentence).<p>No, you should absolutely encourage your child to maintain a relationship with his father. What you SHOULD NOT do is be involved with your ex: you really need to limit your contact with him. I know it's hard because you are both parents, but really try to limit any contact with him to "serious" matters concerning your child. <p>If you're both at a school activity, don't sit together and chat, for example.<p>I hope that clears it up.

K - THANKS! I feel better! <br>I thought for a minute I was going in the wrong direction! I have started trying to avoid him a little (I can tell he cant figure out why) - I dont go outside when he gets there to pick him up - and I have tried to avoid sitting with him by getting places early and sitting with a group of ladies! <br>Really though . . none of that is the issue - I just have never been able to erase the feelings. Even when I went weeks, months without seeing or hearing from him. They've always just been there and I made a mistake that I know I made. I just have to find the way to cross that hump and put it behind me - and it hasn't happened. I have prayed and will continue asking for God to lead me to find the answers and mend my heart and just let my life be lived the way it is now and find total happiness. <br>I've been told that part of it could be pure guilt for the fact that I inititated and I divorced him, which in turn caused a lot of unhappiness in my child. But we have overcome that and moved on (on the outside) and believe me, I am trying and fighting to on the inside. I just wish someone had an ANSWER as to how to get over it. <br>Could it be that you "do" only find one true love in your life and that regardless of what happens; you always feel that way?<br>Like I said K, my marriage will survive. My husband is happy - my child is doing well and we have a nice marriage - I would never discuss those feelings to him as it would deeply hurt him and I will never do that. I know its not honest, but don't feel its dishonest either. Because I won't stray. Never have, never will.

Celine;<p>I don't believe in "one true love". I'm sure that there are hundreds of women in a 100-mile radius that I could be happy being married to. And vice versa. <p>I think that you're holding on to a combination of guilt, fantasy, and the very real fact that he's the father of your child. I don't mean to diminish those feelings at all (I wish I could). Your best bet would be to probably move several hundred miles away, where you wouldn't have the contact. And still, I'm betting it would take a year or two to start to recover.<p>I'm going to suggest that you call Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders (877-639-1639). He might be able to help you with this problem. <p>And I think that it's wrong that you don't tell your husband. Being on the receiving end of an affair, I know how much those 'revelations' can hurt. But I don't think you'll ever have the kind of marriage you want with your husband until you are completely honest with him. It'll hurt at first, but it may motivate him to do things for (and with) you that will make you eventually say:<p>"He's the one..."<p>But before you do anything like that, I'd really suggest you plan it out with a good marriage counselor. And Steve is very good.

Celine,<p>Stop and think for a minute.... where do you think you'd be today if you had stayed with him? Remember the reasons why you left, you made the best decision you could for the safety and sanity of yourself and your child at the time. Your story sounds the same as the Celine from another website... if you are not the same, please excuse what I am saying.<p>When did your husband start to get better, after you divorced him... or after the other two did? You are second guessing sound decisions that you made. Good for him that he's better, but he might not have gotten better if you and the others hadn't left him, good for your son that his father is in his life again, and good for you that you have a more solid marriage now that you can depend on. Are you sure that you're not feeling pity for him, and feeling responsible for restoring his happiness? Are you feeling guilty about your son... you did the very best thing you could do for your son by getting him out. What would he be like today if the past 6 years had been with you husband as he was when you left?<p>It's too bad that it took him so long to change, that's not your fault... look deep down inside... are those really feelings of love... or the leftover affects of co-dependency.<p>Sorry to be so critical, hate to see you beating yourself up, hold on to the happiness you've found.<p>If you're not the same Celine, my apologies, please disregard.<p>

K - at one point, I really felt like I should move. I was fine with all this while he was in his "crazy" mode, etc. Its when he straighted out that I started having problems with this. When he was "crazy", I was so SURE what I did was right and could continue saying - I knew he wouldn't change. And he did. But, another issue in our divorce decree (he was sober when we did this) was that if I moved outside a 60 mile radius of him, I had to give the custody of my child to him; vice versa if it happened with him. I won't ever do that; my child is my LIFE. And I know (without a doubt) that nothing will come of whats in my heart - - I also care for what I have now and respect that and will remain where I am! <p>Y - My ex decided to change on his own. I think it was age? maturity? growing up? sick of the life he was living? From what he told mutual friends - he's just ready to have a normal life again and settle down. Tired of the party life. Tired of being alone? I don't know as we really don't talk on a "personal" basis at all. Its kid talk and just that. I am definitely happy for him and for my child that he did change. Its a positive step for my child and for himself as well. I would want the best for anyone who was living like he was. <br>You did hit home there, though, and thanks. I do think I pity him. I do think that he thinks he can depend on me to help make him happy and to help him in other ways (financially,etc) I told my sister the other day that I wished he'd find a nice woman and really settle down and be happy, So maybe thats what it is about, feeling guilty that he's alone and hoping he'll find happiness.<br>And like I said to K, I know and will be very smart into holding on to the happiness and new family I have now! This is something I'd never want to experience again. <br>I will take advice and maybe call as K suggested - because I still feel like its wrong to tell my husband about this. What if it IS just guilt? or pity? I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings over nothing. <br>Thanks.

Y - <br>Today I'm much better ! I went to church and spoke to my preacher about some things and got a lot cleared up - I know that guilt and feelings for him play a lot and I am going to continue to be friends with him, but not let it get in the way of the good things I have with my husband. By the way - I sent him a dozen roses this morning - just to let him know how very much I love him and thankful I am for his love too! Thanks for all your help. Sometimes, just talking clears the mind.

Celine,<p>I'm so glad you are feeling better. One thing you might consider, after you feel you've gotten your feelings straightened out, is to talk to your husband about it.. you never know what secret fears he may have himself, knowing the ex has cleaned up his act and has become a bigger part of your son's life. I'm sure your husband can understand feelings of pity and guilt. Your past has come back to haunt you, let your husband help you quiet those nagging feelings for good. Just a suggestion... take what you like and leave the rest as they say <p>Best Wishes

Thanks again Y - When we "do" talk about my ex (and I try to limit that too much; I don't want to ever give him doubts there) - he does also feel sorry for him - I mean he does say that the poor guy just can't seem to get straightened out. Like I said, they are friends. After my sons football game about a month ago, he went with us and sat next to me at the table when we all went to a Wings Place (kids too) - and my husband picked up his tab. He has been great about all of this. He has truly been a blessing for me! And I recognize that - I just do feel for the man who is the dad of my child and as I said before, I know that I would never let his changes come between what I have now. THANKS SO MUCH!