My STBXW is still in the same house as I am. She has made it painfully obvious that she does not want to stay under the same roof with me. She told me the other day that she wanted to get the D going ASAP. There are three reasons that she has not left yet.<BR>1) She has no Money.<BR>2) She does not have a full time job<BR>3) Our second vehicle is currently in the shop getting repairs.<P>The Car should be done tomorrow. And as far as I know, she has not looked for full time work yet. As far as the money goes, with the separation of our finances neither one of us has any money (I am currently paying for the house, the car, and all utilities).<P>What I am seeking advice on is this; should I ask her to leave the house. I am very willing to keep the kids, and I don't think that there would be a problem with her seeing the kids on her schedule. I feel like I have to watch her enjoy what she is doing with the OM, while at the same time watching myself, and our children struggle with her decision. She has told me on several occasions, that she believes that I will use the kids against her if she leaves them with me. I don't want to use the kids as pawns in this D. I believe that they deserve to see their mom and dad. But I also think that the transition between homes needs to go as smooth as possible, and as long as she does not have a place to live, how would that be fair to the kids to be dragged from one strange place to another. I have expressed this to her many times.<P>I am currently stuck in this dilemma(?), and really don't know where to go from here. 95% of all her things are already packed and ready to go. She has not been staying at the house on my evenings off. Do I push the issue, or do I just ride out the storm and hope that she leaves soon? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.<P>Griz<P><BR>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.<p>[This message has been edited by Griz (edited March 11, 2001).]

I had much the same situation. I was told by my lawyer that if you ask her to move out,it looks bad for you when you come to the custody hearing.<P>I think it is important to get the divorce going asap. Right now, either one of you have the right to take the children whenever and wherever you want. File the papers and file for emergency custody. Right now, you are the one who has the best interest of the children at heart.<P>Protect yourself. Get those papers filed.

Griz,<P>Is a divorce what you want?<P>Keep in mind that your wife sounds like rational thought is not something she is excelling at right now. If you file papers now, in her mind you are agreeing with her that your marriage is over.<P>If you still have hope, and you have the strength to do it, my advice is for you to move out at least temporarily. Sounds crazy right? Let me explain.... First I didn't move out and I so wished I did. If you move out, your wife will be the one living with the "triggers" (the memories of your marriage). Even though she may only be focusing on the negatives, over time it is hard to not start thinking about the good times as well. If she is in a new place, she can surround herself with everything new - nothing to remind herself of her obligations to you and your family.<P>Now look at it from the opposite side - You still love her, right? With her gone, YOU would be the one living with the triggers. But, if you are in a temporary living arrangement, you can work to alleviate yourself from the reminders. Plus I think it might be a big shock to her, if you chose to move out.<P>This is just my opinion. My situation has no children involved, and I know that adds a whole other level of complexity to your situation.<P>Just be sure not to rush into a divorce - especially if it is not something you want...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

I have to respectfully disagree with Mike.<P>If you move out, you are pretty much giving up any chance you may have of being primary custodial parent for your children. So if this is important to you, stay in the house and make her move out. But do it legally.

Griz,<BR>I agree that you should ask your w to leave since she is the one having the affair. I told my then w, now x, that she couldn't live here if she was planning on dating. So she made plans on leaving at a later date. <P>Unfortunetly or not, I caught her and om at the local motel when she was supposed to be with the kids and I LB'd big time. She ended up moving out that night.<P>You should realize that if she does leave, she will be under almost complete control of the om. When om moved back home for a few weeks and x moved to a better motel, om paid for it all. When she found an apartment a week later, om moved in shortly after.<P>Now if you leave, w will continue affair, possibly in your home/bed and almost in all probability, in front of your kids. Mike said she will have to live with the triggers. No she will see it as the "pain in her _____(pick your favorite part of anatomy)" is gone and she has her children.<P>Since your w doesn't work, her trying to pay for a place should help her face reality which is the purpose of her leaving instead of you. I don't know how finacially strong the om is, do you? Can he afford to support her ?<P>I'm not sure how my x's om/h does it. I believe his mother supports him too and maybe some type of disability payment. How else would he come up hotel payments, rings, vacations, etc.? I digress.<P>It is difficult to work on the marriage when you are separated, so if you can stand it, don't have her leave. Just don't you leave. My x would also never come out and say she wouldn't date others when om dumped her and we were trying to reconcile, so there is that threat also.<P>It is best and easiest to work on things together and let her see the changes in you. <P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob

OK, thanks for the insight from all.<P>SoTired2000,<BR>I appreciate your view point. I am having a problem with the thought of moving out. My STBXW told me on numerous occasions that she did not want me around. I believe that if I leave, this will open the door for the OM to come into my home(I don't put anything past them anymore). This I could not handle. As far as reconciling my marriage, I believe that we are past that point. Yes I do love her very much, but my Love for haer has been drained at an astronomical rate for the last 4 weeks. If I do not get her out, I am afraid what ever I have left will also be gone.<P>grandpabri,<P>Thanks. I would like nothing more than make sure that things are secure for the kids. However, I run into a couple small problems. The oldest is mine from a previous marriage, the middle is hers from a previous relationship (before we met), and the youngest is ours together. If I try to take custody away from her on the youngest, even temporaily, I fear she will use the middle child against me. She is already making motions in that directions. Our middle child is very dear to me. I have raised him from a baby, and his bio dad is not in the picture. She knows damn well that when this D goes through, that I will be reduced to a stepdad. So at this point, temp custody would not be in the best interest of all the kids. <P>RWD,<BR>I wish that this marriage could have been reconciled. She wants very bad for this to end, and even told me today that she want this D done ASAP. As far as the OM is concerned, yes he is very well off. He makes good money, owns his own home, ect. I think that it would be best for her to go live whatever fantasy she has created with him. I know it will eventually die.<P>Now for the update; I didn't formally ask my STBXW to leave. I mentioned to her that I thought that now that she had a vehicle, it might be a good time to go get things done for herself so that the kids had a home to go to when they were with her. She repeatedly asked me what I was trying to say. I decide that I would not kick her out, and told her this. She wants to leave, and she needs too. She has reluctantly agreed with the child custody arrangement for our youngest, but has made it perfectly clear that I had no control over what she decided to do with our middle child. The whole time that we talked, she continually got angry, called me names, told me to F**k Off, and belittled me. While at the same time I was nice, non-judgmental, and very polite. I know that drives her crazy. She wants me to get mad at her. I refuse to give in to that emotion again. So things are still up in the air. Thanks for letting me vent.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.

Griz,<P>As I said, I have no children so it is extremely hard for me to know all the additional emotions you are going through. Usually I try to not comment too much here when I see that children are involved.<P>The one thing that caught my eye in your reply was that you refuse to get angry at her. That is so important (in my opinion). Once you let anger get a hold of you, your decisions will be made from that viewpoint. She NEEDS for you to get angry so that she can rationalize even more that what she is doing is right. Be as strong as you can to avoid just that. Let her live with her guilt. Don't let her actions turn you into a bad guy. Be true to yourself first and foremost.<P>You face a long hard battle ahead, don't let anger be your guide. Hate her actions, but try not to hate her as a person (I absolutely know how tough that is). Also remember that while the four weeks seems like forever to you right now, it is not long at all in the realm of things.<P>I feel for ya guy! It stinks - no two ways about it!<BR>Be strong and good luck...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

Thanks Mike,<P>It is very difficult when there are children involved. Not only do I have to struggle with her decisions, but the kids have to as well. I <I>refuse</I> to get angry at her. It is her anger that has guide most of her irrational choices. I will not, and can not, play that role. I feel myself becoming a strong person because of it. And yes, she does want me to get angry at her. I believe that she is internally questioning her decisions, and the only way she can make herself feel better, at least right now, is to project the blame on to me. If she isn't wrong, then I must be. <P>For right now, things will remain status quo for the kids sake. The decisions I am making, might not be the easiest, but they are the right ones to make. When this D is all said and done, I will be able to get up in the morning and say that I did the right thing. That feeling does help.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.