I posted on the EN board re: dating<BR>I was advised to go back in the archives. Of course this subject had to be addressed already. I read the long thread on this subject. It did give me some good advise, and of course supported both sides of to do or not to do, and it did make me laugh.<BR>At the stage I am in, and knowing that my STBX husband is already with the OW, I feel jealous, lonely, unloved, and unattractive. I took up an offer for a "coffee date" and subsequently, dinner and movie dates. It was so nice to be on the receiving end of some uplifting comments from a nice looking man. I have been totally up front with this gentleman & he is respectful of my boundaries.<BR>Since I am so vunerable and starving for attention, I just don't want to do the wrong thing.<P>Can you actually have (in my case) a male friend, who is just that, a friend? It just feels that the minute I give the green light, he'd jump on me. <P>I know I should use this time to get to know myself and be comfortable with who I am. Am I being weak for wanting attention from the opposite sex and wanting to feel desirable?<P>This sure is a confusing time. I would have been perfectly fine and happy living out the rest of my life with my husband. By having the affair, he sure has ruined more than just our marriage, he has screwed me up. <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Can you actually have (in my case) a male friend, who is just that, a friend? It just feels that the minute I give the green light, he'd jump on me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The answer to your question is yes, it's possible, but you're playing with fire. <I>Not</I> recommended.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know I should use this time to get to know myself and be comfortable with who I am. Am I being weak for wanting attention from the opposite sex and wanting to feel desirable?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, you're not being weak to want this. However, you would be well served to establish some safer boundaries. By turning to family and friends first for your emotional needs, and by restricting your involvement with men to group settings, you may minimize the risks associated with your current vulnerability.<P>At least, these strategies have proven effective for meeting <I>my</I> relational needs. No doubt it also helps that the women I have developed relationships with are all old enough to be my mother...<BR>

Thanks GnomeDePlume, I will heed your advise, I am in much to much a vunerable state. I am trying to find self-esteem. I wonder if I can just chock this up to being a female, but I want "approval" (for lack of a better word) from a man.<BR>My family and friends lift me up, but since my husband no longer does, I am lost.<BR>It is hard to admit this because I re-read it, and it is painfully clear that I need to be happy with myself. Affairs leave us so openly wounded-personally I think my husband deserves some jail time for the crime he has committed against me.

REJECTED,<P>Maybe, just maybe the need for you to find self-esteem, actually put pressure on your marriage in the first place.... I am not saying this in any way whatsoever to try and blame you for your husband's behavior and actions.<P>In fact I am not even talking about him right now. What I am saying is that maybe self-esteem is something God wants you to work on in your life - To start finding it from "within" rather than from "others". Maybe God is giving you this time as an opportunity for you to grow in this area of your life.<P>Do we all feel lonely? Most certainly. Should we give in to our feelings and needs when we have them? I say no, not always. I think that self control is one quality that our society does not stress enough. And something we all can use more of...<P>Just a thought.....<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

REJECTED,<P>as we all are here, yes, the term "dating" has some wide connotations. i am not yet "legally" divorced, i have plans to have fun with the other interplanetary travellers from Venus. I have been "emotionally divorced" since July 1, 2000, and have not really looked back. I have a negotiated agreement, and a legal agreement that will be filed after i meet with my lawyer.<P> Is my goal to get married? <BR>no, been there, done that, yuck for right now, maybe forever! plus, the odds are so high at failure, why risk it until everyone, including the kids, are healed?<P> Is the goal to have sex asap? <BR>no, that ruins good relationships and an immature basis, although it might feel good, it is not a good basis for a relationship, and can leave very bad feelings between two people. been there, done that also! (long time ago! it got me into this problem in the first place) and i have told my friend that about the most i will do is hold her hand! and we have know each other for about six months.<P> Is the goal to be a couple asap? <BR>no, although validating, it is the trap that leads one to believe that you need others to validate you. one gain self worth from one's own experiences, successes and accomplishments that can be repeated, not from association, <P>In fact, i don't want a serious relationship right now.<BR>if my friend finds the perfect companion other than me, i would be ecstatic for her, she deserves it. <P>will ours turn into one? who knows, but that is not the goal and not even a thought. could you possibly meet the ideal match at the most inopportune time in your life? absolutely. <P>however, which is more important? meeting the right person? or being prepared to meet the right person. the first one is LUCK!, and the second one is the hard work of preparations to take SUCCESSFUL advantage of the meeting of the right person.<P>The goal is to go out and have fun, learn about other people, find out about what you like and dislike, and<BR>begin to put your past life behind you. What i have found out is that there are so many wonderful women that are in such contrast to my X, that it just blows my mind.<P>my friend is smart, funny, very loquatious, interesting, and has a great head on her shoulders. she is different than normal, which is how i describe myself, and knows how to take responsibility for actions, and be open and honest. My only request of her is that she be open and honest with me.<BR>that's all i ask of her.<P>going out to coffee, and sharing a couple hours with a man, <BR>sounds like fun. tell him right away in some well worded thoughts, that you have no desire to consider dating/a relationship, etc. his reaction will be very telling.<P>good luck, but use a different word to desribe your actions until you are really ready to "date" or be serious about your relationship. how about going out for an evening?<P>good luck,<BR>we are very spirited over here, not quite like the EN board.<BR>please gather personal evidence before posting.<P>tom<P>

Sotired2000,<BR>Yes, I believe that my low self-esteem bothered my husband. I wasn't walking around like eeore (woes me), but I did need re-assurance at times, and probably more than the average person. I have replayed my marriage over in my mind many times and I don't see any problem or issue that couldn't have been resolved and actually quite easily. <BR>This society does not practice enough self control-I agree with you. <BR>Please don't think me to be ignorant or naive regarding what I need to do in finding self esteem within myself. <BR>That is why I post here, one of these days all of this great advise will finally sink in.<P>Thanks,<BR>Petrie<P>

Rejected,<P>As for having a friend of the opposite sex, I would say no. Look at how many people are in our position because their spouse has "just a friend" of the opposite sex.<P>Also remember the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" ? Harry says most guys just want to jump women or words to that effect and I beleive that is true for most guys.<P>

RWD,<BR>I am right there with you. That is what is in the back of my mind. My husband started out as a friend, just listening, showing concern, etc. and bam-AFFAIR. I have always been aware but am now even more aware of not putting myself in any type of "situation" with a married man. My husband used to tell me, don't put yourself in compromising situations, like going out to lunch with a business associate (male). Unlike some people, like the OW in my case, I will never play any part in inflicting this sort of pain on anyone.<P>That famous line in the movie you mentioned echoes in my mind, and that is why I wonder if I should or could have a true male friend; In that I think certain men are just waiting for the green light.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Please don't think me to be ignorant or naive regarding what I need to do in finding self esteem within myself. <BR>That is why I post here, one of these days all of this great advise will finally sink in.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Petrie,<P>I think you neither! I try to never pass judgement on anyone here - we all have issues and concerns. We all have different opinions and wants and desires. I had just a wonderful woman teacher in high school health class that drilled one phrase into our heads every day - "its not right, its not wrong - its just different". There are exceptions to this phrase of course, but for the most part it is a great way to try to live. I actually find it very interesting to try to fit into other people's heads to see how they think and why they think certain things - it makes life interesting.<P>Often here you will find me stating the obvious. Why? Because sometimes we don't always see what is right in front of our noses!<P>No offense meant.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Sotired2000,<BR>You are not offensive in the least. I sometimes post questions or concerns that deep down I know the answers to. I am just hoping it all sinks in and soon!!!!!!!!! and mabey if I hear it enough it will.<BR>I share alot of the same beliefs as you do and I value your advise, and am interested in the questions you pose.<P>It's not wrong, It's not right, it's just different.<BR>It is a great way of looking at things. My husband told me something along those lines, in relation to the OW. I was trying to figure out what she had that I didn't, he said;<P>She isn't better or worse than you, just different. I'll say this was an exception to the phrase!!!<BR>Thanks,<BR>Petrie

There is a problem with someone who has to jump every opposite sex friend, or is afraid of being jumped just because the friend is an interplanetary traveller. if you say no to an opposite sex friend because of that fear, then you are in effect saying that you have no boundaries or little control over your sexual actions, both of which will not serve you well in the future.<P>I think this is a very poor answer to be a blanket rule, so to speak. the problem is that sex ruins a perfectly good opposite sex friendship, but to have a really good friendship with the opposite sex is very healthy. one should not even think about having sex unless it is discussed, mutually agreed upon, and having known each other for awhile, and there is some level of emotional bond.<BR>(now don't ask me what level, it is an abstract concept.)<P>as i stated above, just say no relationship intentions, no dating intentions, lets go talk over coffee. its very immature to feel that one has to sexualize close opposite sex friendships. Ultimately, that is one of TS points, and that is the problem with some guys, and women. it is very tempting, and it feels good.<P>for my friendship, she does not live nearby, about 1100 miles to be exact, so i will only get to visit maybe once a month, max, and again, the goal is to have fun together, and learn about myself in this new place. I will not risk loosing her friendship for a simple hop in the sack. i can control myself, and she expects me to keep to my word, of which i have told her from the beginning.<P>so come on people, we are not 18 any more, we are responsible, intelligent, midlife adults.<BR>

Hello Rejected:<P>I'm not sure which post you went back to but it might have been the one I started last year. So, much has happened to me since then. When my x left me for a 20 year old girl in his office I was devastated and my self esteem hit the floor. <P>I dated shortly after my divorce was final and felt very validated and had so much fun with this one guy for about 6 months and then we ended up breaking up because we needed to resolve past issues that were starting to cause problems for us. <P>I have dated since but I'm currently not dating anyone. I'm actually very relieved and excited about being alone now. I didn't want that at all last year but definitely want that now. <P>Dating is stressful. I was always questioning everything that I was doing and worried that I wasn't doing the right thing at the right time, etc. etc. etc. Right now, being on my own feels right. It's very nice to come home and be with my kids and then just chill once they have gone to bed or are with their father. I think everyone needs to do what feels right for them at the time. I needed to date last year. I do not need to date now. I might but I don't care if I don't for quite some time to come. <P>I think bottomline, you just need to do what feels right for you. I think you should ask for advice and take what fits and leave the rest. <P>Take care,<BR>Jen<P>

There have been a LOT of dating threads and it usually winds up to be a debate at some point.<P>I think you got a lot of great replies and Tom summed it up pretty good too.<P>I think its normal to crave that attention after the betrayal. I think two people can be friends (opposite sex), but if your really vulnerable, it might cloud things a little.<P>I dated too soon after the betrayal and I know I wasn't thinking clearly. It's easy to get caught up in. But I can't argue with how you feel either.<P>I guess, take the word dating out of it, and just be his friend. Don't hope for or expect anything more and don't cross any boundaries. Once you do, there is no turning back to just friends, its too awkward.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>