<BR>My H hasn't worn his since we've been separated, except when our D has visited him and told him to wear it (she told me).<P>I still wear mine.<P>We have our temporary orders and are in the Discovery phase of our divorce. We've been separated 7 months and 10 days.<P>At what point do you take the ring off?<BR>Are there some people who never take the ring off?<BR>[I'm having some real problems with this divorce. Although legally it removes the marriage, it can't remove our D or the vows made before God.]<P>~Amy

I fought over this one with myself for quite a few months. I took mine off about 8 months after she left (its been a year now and our divorce will most likely be final in May). I know part of me took it off so that if I did in fact meet "someone", the initial meeting would not be more complicated than it usually is. <P>I still don't know what is right. And sometimes I will pick it up and put it back on - it just feels so natural.<P>My wife, on the other hand, took hers off as soon as she moved out.<P>I will never discard the ring. To me it is a symbol of the love I had/have/will always have for my wife. It is her decision to walk away - not mine. She stopped loving me - I never stopped loving her.<P>What I have begun to enjoy now are all the good memories that are able to shine through again, of her. And when they come, I no longer always get sad - They actually often make me feel good.<P>I don't think there is any right or wrong answer on this one. I believe you remove it when you feel ready...<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I agree with Mike. When you are ready, it will feel right. I took mine off two weeks after I found out about the OM. What was the point. I hang on to it to remind me of the committment that I made, but it also symbolizes the betrayal that I feel. I will probably hang on to it for quite sometime. My STBX took hers off the day she told me she no longer "Loved Me". <P>I still pull it out from time to time. I still Love my STBX very much, and I know that I probably will always Love her. It reminds me of the good times more than the bad. Hang in there.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.

I did not take mine off, but I did switch it to my right hand. For me, I thought I should wear it until the divorce was final, yet, since we were separated and he was with OW, it seemed odd to keep it on my left hand as if we were "married". Thus, I put it on my right hand, to remind me that it still wasn't over and to remind me of how I should behave. I put it on my right hand to signify that the marriage wasn't over, just off track. <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Good answer, FaithfulWife!!<P>I took mine off this January, a year and a half after D-day and one year after he moved out. He took his off right after D-Day. <P>I wanted to keep wearing mine, because it felt right, but it also felt funny since we were separated. I loved that ring....I really did. But now it's in a box in the attic. I don't think I could ever get rid of it.<P>I've thought about putting it back on my right hand, but when I look at it, it actually reminds me of the pain that he caused by breaking his vows, so I think I'll leave it where it is.<P>I didn't take it off in case I meet someone...that, to me, in my book, won't be allowed until a divorce is final. No, no, no...<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

CJ,<P>I like your idea.<P>Even though the divorce is proceeding along, in my mind, we're still married. I think it's staying on my left hand, at least for a little while longer. [I tried moving it over to the right after reading your post, but it just didn't feel correct.]<P>Maybe I'll make that move when the divorce is a done deal. Make the mental change.<P>Like I said, there's our D and the marriage vows. A court can't undo those things. A court can't change my heart or my beliefs. It can tell me what to do, but it can't tell me how to feel.<P>But I must admit that it's beginning to feel odd --- wearing a ring that means something to me, but nothing to the man who gave it to me.<P>~Amy

Out of the Fog,<P>My XH had stoped wearing his ring 3 and a half years before discovery.<P>Even after he moved out for a "trial seperation"[as he called it.]I still wore mine.<P>I filed around a month later.Then about 3 months later the papers were signed by both of us.I then took my ring off.<P>Ever situation is different.Just do what you feel is right for you.[no matter what it is still very difficult.]<P>Just my 2 cents<P>Take care<P>Gina <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Hello,<P> I took mine off shortly after I discovered H A. I put it on after he was finished but I took it off again and never put it back on. never will. <P>------------------<BR>Deb

I have no intention of taking mine off. The courts do not have jurisdiction over vows made to and before God.<BR>

So, after reading these, I have a part B to the question:<P>Once you are legally divorces, what happens to your vows and beliefs then? I really struggle with this question. I believe so deeply and solidly in marriage and my vows, I just don't know what to think or how to think about all that when/if my divorce goes thru.<P>I'm not just asking in regards to dating, etc. although that's a part of it. I know the Bible says "let no man put [the marriage] assunder." But it also make allowance for divorce if adultry in involved. <P>But what do I do with my beliefs?? What happens to those vows when one party breaks them? <P>Any thoughts....esp. Gnome De Plume and Out of the Fog...as you both mentioned your vows.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>Once you are legally divorces, what happens to your vows and beliefs then? I really struggle with this question. I believe so deeply and solidly in marriage and my vows, I just don't know what to think or how to think about all that when/if my divorce goes thru.<P>I'm not just asking in regards to dating, etc. although that's a part of it. I know the Bible says "let no man put [the marriage] assunder." But it also make allowance for divorce if adultry in involved. <P>But what do I do with my beliefs?? What happens to those vows when one party breaks them?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to admit that I'm glad I'm not a pastor, or even a leader in a church trying to come up with a policy on divorce. These are tough questions even in the abstract, and they are even tougher in application.<P>Fortunately, I only have to answer these questions for myself, and for me the answers are straightforward. For someone else - a childless woman for example who desperately wants children and knows how important it is for them to have a father - the answers are likely to be much less clear.<P>My own view is somewhat unconventional. I do not believe that marriage vows constitute a contract. I believe marriage vows are independent unilateral promises. I don't want to get into issues of Biblical interpretation here on what allowances God makes for the breaking of those promises, although I believe God <I>does</I> makes such allowances and they aren't limited to adultery. However, when <I>I</I> made my vows to God and to my wife, I was very clear in my own mind about what I was promising, and my vows were unconditional. I would never tell someone else that they were wrong to leave their spouse because of an affair; but I personally could not justify <I>to myself</I> the idea that <I>my</I> vows would be negated if my wife were to have an affair.<P>Whatever happens, we all have to live with ourselves. What one person finds impossible to live with, another may find to be a relatively easy burden. For me, if I "gave up" on my wife, I don't see how I could trust <I>myself</I> again, and that single factor is significant enough to me that none of the other factors matter.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>So what's the glory in living?<BR>Doesn't anybody ever stay together any more?<BR>And if love doesn't last forever, tell me<BR>What's forever for?</I> - Rafe Van Hoy

I took my wedding ring off about 2 months after he left and it's been off since. I haven't even looked at it! <P>He rarely wore his anyway. In his line of work, it wasn't safe to wear it. He only wore it on special occassions.<P>I'm thinking of selling it!!<P>Mitzi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>But what do I do with my beliefs?? What happens to those vows when one party breaks them?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a question that tears me apart... I believe so much in the vows I made to my wife. I agree with GnomeDePlume. But what I believe and what I do, I just don't know????!!!! I am 30 years old now. Am I to remain single for the remainder of my life? I feel such a strong calling to be a husband and one day a father - its what I have always wanted. I always, always said I would only marry once. Now I have been hurt by my wife... Now I have been left by my wife... I fully intended to do whatever it took to fix my marriage (and still would), but as so many know too well, one person can't make a marriage work.<P>If I fall in-love with another woman, will I be a hypocrite? Can an anulment of my marriage help me if I ever decide to marry again? (considering the circumstances, there would be good grounds for an anulment). Besides losing my wife, this whole issue tears me apart - the thought of being alone... I know that having friends and family, no one is really "alone". But I am talking more about the "aloneness" that comes from not having that someone special in your life.<P>I trust in God. It is all I can do. I have been going out with my friends, doing things, meeting people. Sometimes it feels like I am "looking" for someone, other times I just enjoy being with family and friends. I have come to the conclusion that "if and when" God feels it appropriate to place someone special in my life, as long as I am awake and walking in His light, I will know it. If He never does, then maybe I am meant to walk my own path by myself.... After all, that is how I first met my wife - "totally out of the blue, one in a million meeting"....<P>So for any of you out there that are under the impression that "your leaving your spouse" is probably the best thing for both of you (as my wife does), you may really want to re-evaluate your beliefs....<P>God Bless us all,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I agree with you Mike, just about completely. And I love your quote GnomeDePlume. The position our spouses have put us in leaves us with so many questions, and for me anyhow, I am pretty confused. The marriage vows that we took were supposed to be til death do us part, not just until someone else comes along. <BR>I still have so much living ahead of me, and I know I can't become a martyr. I loved being married to my husband, and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my days. I have left the "door" open, and at this point can't see myself with anyone else but him. However, I don't know what the future brings. I feel I'd be doing myself a dis-service by not living to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I have so much love to give, and I know that I am/was a wonderful wife and will hopefully someday be a wonderful mother.<P>My wedding ring sits in a box; that ring meant so much to me symbolically, I sure do wish my husband felt the same way.<P><p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited March 16, 2001).]

Thanks all for your responses. I have to say I agree with you, Gnome De Plume. But I also struggle with it the same way as everyone else. I never allowed the word divorce to be in my vocabulary. Now I'm staring at it down the gun-barrel.<P>I also said I'd only ever marry once. But I'm 44 and have a lot of live left in me. And I miss having that one special person to share things with. And I miss him. I get lonely....not for just anyone....for him. I want/wanted more than anything for my H to stay and work on the marriage. Now I've found out so much crap about him, I don't even like him very much.<P>But I also believe in my vow to God...not as a contract or anything like that, but because I believe that it is a vow to God....till death do us part. Just because H decides to break it, doesn't mean I can.<P>So it's still a struggle. I don't want to change my beliefs in forever, or my vow, or anything. But I also don't want to go thru life alone. <P>So I too, just try to trust God and focus on Him. I can't think of all the "what if's" and "what might be's." I guess I'm still in the "one day at a time" mode in my "recovery" and in my daily life.<P>By the way, you're quote....<P><I>So what's the glory in living?<BR>Doesn't anybody ever stay together any more?<BR>And if love doesn't last forever, tell me<BR>What's forever for? - Rafe Van Hoy</I><P>...is also from one of my favorite Bread songs...does anyone still remember Bread? O well....<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Thanks Mrs. O, <BR>It was bugging me because I couldn't remember what song I heard that quote in!!!! <BR> <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>I still have so much living ahead of me, and I know I can't become a martyr. ...I feel I'd be doing myself a dis-service by not living to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I have so much love to give, and I know that I am/was a wonderful wife and will hopefully someday be a wonderful mother.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've been called a "martyr" for declaring my intention to remain faithful to my wife. But, you know, I don't <I>feel</I> like a martyr. I hurt terribly, of course, but I don't believe anything I do or don't do will change that. "Replacing" my wife with someone else wouldn't heal the hurt, and isn't even possible anyway. Loving someone new doesn't displace other loves.<P>I was/am a very good husband; but I am also a multi-faceted person with every confidence in God's intention and ability to make my life fulfilling and worthwhile.<P>As I said, I am very fortunate in that I never dreamed of raising a family. Thus, I have escaped the inner conflict that you and so many others are faced with.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>So it's still a struggle. I don't want to change my beliefs in forever, or my vow, or anything. But I also don't want to go thru life alone.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't want to go through life alone either. I want my wife back.<P>I can't always have what I want.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>So I too, just try to trust God and focus on Him. I can't think of all the "what if's" and "what might be's." I guess I'm still in the "one day at a time" mode in my "recovery" and in my daily life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, when I can't make any sense out of life, trusting God to show me how to make it through each day is all I know to do. Fortunately, it's not a bad plan.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Thanks Mrs. O, <BR>It was bugging me because I couldn't remember what song I heard that quote in!!!! <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>FWIW, I got it off a recording by Michael Martin Murphey. The song is "What's Forever For".<P>I'm pretty sure that Rafe Van Hoy was the songwriter.<BR>

Okay....I stand corrected....<P>It wasn't Bread...It WAS Michael Martin Murphy!! I could hear the song in my head and it sounded so much like Bread, but now that you mention it.....you're right! Ooopppss!<P>So, GnomeDePlume....what if a person doesn't want their spouse back? I don't know if that's me or not, but I've found out stuff since he left that he did that was just so unhealthy for our marriage as well as for him in general. Yucky stuff. The kind of stuff that if I was single, I wouldn't even give him a second look if I knew that about him.<P>Of course, I didn't know any of this when we were married. It doesn't give me an excuse to go back on my vow, but it sure would be hard to reconcile and esp. since I have no desire right now to do that. It would really take a miracle.<P>This past year+ has been h*ll for me...I begged, pleaded, did everything in the book to get my husband to think of reconciliation. He is stone-cold against it. He lives with the OW and thinks that just fine and dandy. <P>When I think about it, which I try not to do, I feel really stuck. No, I didn't want this situation either. And I'm mad that I have to accept it (childish, yes I know...). And I don't want to go thru life alone.<P>I feel like I'm in a Catch-22....and it feels crappy.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>So, GnomeDePlume....what if a person doesn't want their spouse back? I don't know if that's me or not, but I've found out stuff since he left that he did that was just so unhealthy for our marriage as well as for him in general. Yucky stuff. The kind of stuff that if I was single, I wouldn't even give him a second look if I knew that about him.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just don't know, Mrs.O. Again, my situation is so much simpler. I have an enormous amount of respect for my wife and, since I understand <I>why</I> she has acted in the destructive and unhealthy way she has, I find it easy to forgive her.<BR>