CJ-<BR> Just a few questions if you don't mind? <P> I have been talking a lot to my H lately. I finally broke down one night and told him how much I missed and loved him. I wanted him to come HOME. At this point we both lost it over the phone. <P> Since then we have been seeing each other some. He says that he loves me, doesn't really know what he wants to do? Having experienced this?? before, how do you handle this? How long do you wait? How much pressure do you exert? If any? All along he is still living with the OW. That part is killing me, but I am trying to be patient. I know that this decision has to be his, but how crazy to I let myself get? How do I keep my sanity and patience? <P> I believe that this is out of my hands and in Gods. I am trying very hard not to manipulate, but sometimes I find myself trying to do so. I don't want to paint this "perfect" picture of how our lives could be, but at the same time, I don't want to discourage him with how tough it would be? OK, so now do I sound psychotic?? I feel like it! I KNOW that we could have a chance. So, other than Plan A advice... Do you have any other? <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

Blindsided,<P>If you don't mind, I'd like to write more in personal emails: I'm cindy_wolfe@blm.gov. But I wanted to reply to you right away.<P>You wrote: "He says that he loves me, doesn't really know what he wants to do? Having experienced this?? before, how do you handle this?" My H left in Feb. 2000 and we basically really got back together in Feb. 2001. During the time we were apart, he did not tell me he loved me and didn't know what to do--he made it very clear that he did not want me. Even when he moved home for a while between June and October, he didn't say the "L" word and we did not have a physical relationship--it was more like acting civil toward one another. HOWEVER, looking back on it now, and bearing in mind that the addiction of an affair is similar to an addiction to alcohol, I think he said what he did in order to justify his behavior in his own head. Just like an alcoholic in the midst of their drinking will say or do almost anything in order to get another drink, so will the person in an affair say or do almost anything to feel good and feel loved. <P>While he was with the OW and while he was telling me he did not love me, I handled it by concentrating on myself and my kids, working on making myself a better woman, and working on NOT being a retaliatory, *****y person toward him. In fact, I tried to be understanding whenever I had the strength to be, and if I didn't have the strength, I tried to just not LB. My goal at that point was NOT to meet his ENs or build love again or all of that, but rather to be the best person I could be, to reconnect to God, and to just not tear down any love that might be buried there under the rubble.<P>I decided early that if he wanted to be separated or have a divorce, that I would basically act like a married woman until the ink dried. Well, he didn't file and didn't file, so I kept behaving like a married woman--sort of. I mean, I have to admit I did eventually develope a crush on someone, but just because HE had an affair, I didn't think I should go off and have an affair "to make it even." Like you, the things that drove me nuts then, and drive me nuts now, are thinking about him being with another person. It's hard to say how long anyone should or should not wait for their spouse--I think that's a decision to be made by each individual--but I personally thought that I would keep the option for recovery open until the ink dried, and after that, I would start to act like a single woman. <P>I kept my sanity by keeping my mind, my concentration, and my thoughts on myself and my kids. In a way, it really helped to think of this affair using the analogy of an alcoholic, because it is actually A LOT like that. Until HE admits to himself that he did something wrong, you can talk all you want, but he won't be ready. Until HE admits that he needs help and wants to fix himself, you won't be able to help him. BUT if he does admit that he did you a huge wrong and he wants help--then by all means, help him!! <P>When my H and I first started discussing trying again, before we even got back together, we asked ourselves, "Am I really willing to commit to trying again? Am I willing to do what needs to be done to make my spouse feel loved?" Then, we asked ourselves what the "minimum requirements" would be to living together as a married couple. For me, the minimum requirements were no contact with the OW (at all), actions (behavior) that showed commitment to OUR relationship, honesty, slowly going through the marriage builders stuff together, and marriage counseling by someone who understood marriage builder-type concepts. I thought everything else could be negotiated and we could reach a reasonable agreement. For him the minimum requirements were only one affair question per day, remember the past but acknowledge the present and where we are now, and easy on the blame/guilt-trips. In the first few days together, we agreed to open all mail together, so that neither one feels like the other is hiding anything. We agreed to one affair question per day, but it could be ANY question and the question had to be answered honestly (thus, I felt like I could ask about the things that were driving me crazy and he felt like it wouldn't turn into an interrogation). We agreed to check each other's cell phone voice mails. For a few weeks, we both gave up our cell phones until the other person felt some trust--I was particularly concerned that he'd call her on the cell phone "behind my back", so I voluntarily gave up my cell phone too, as a gesture. Anyway, you get the picture. <P>I've learned a BUNCH of things since we've gotten back together, and the biggest one is to keep my mind focused on the present and the future. Here's a good example. Last night, my H and I were talking and talking, and the topic was "Things I Liked About the Other Woman". That's a tough topic to hear under the best of circumstances!! Well, there is just a treasure trove of stuff that I can learn about him, what he needs, and needs I failed to meet--but I also felt quite bummed out about the fact that one of the things he liked was that she was/is younger, taller, thinner, blonde, etc. How can I compete with that? Now, I could wallow around in the fact that I will never be the tall, winnowy, blonde type--OR I can remember that he is with ME now, not her, and just a couple of days ago he gave me another diamond ring. We are even in the midst of planning an Elvis, drive-thru wedding in Vegas! So, keeping your mind and thoughts on the present and future is VERY KEY!<P>There's a ton more, but that's another email--okay? Getting back together is not easy, but I honestly think you can do it, if you and your husband are BOTH committed to it. <P>You'll be in my prayers!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

FaithfulWife,<P>Just stay as far away from the "Heartbreak Hotel" on your honeymoon, OK!!!<P> <BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

CJ - I never got a response to my inquiry about the shower! I'll plan it and we can have it at that hot tub we used in January. I just need to know if you want it to be a household item, linen, or lingerie shower.

Your most royal majesty,<P>You are a hoot! So far, the Elvis drive-thru wedding is winning by a LARGE margin, so it looks like we are headed to Vegas. My current dilemna is...red, low-cut wedding dress or black leather? Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions.<P>Here's a tickle for you. I asked my H yesterday if we should start counting our anniversary years over again or not (for example, next year would be our first anniversary), and he said, "NO!!!!! We have earned every single one of those years!!! We're keeping them!" AMEN to that.<P>Okay--so are you suggesting a royal, hot-tub, bridal shower in Nashvilee? Sounds interesting. We better keep it "clean", because some of these poor men have no resistance to self-assured women I personally vote for a lingerie shower (in the hot tub), but to keep it decent, let's have the guys model! <P><BR>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.