diana,<br>Maybe you could let him watch horror movies all night and then you be awake when he has a nightmare...LOL!!! I am just kidding, but I do feel for you. I too enjoy watching my hubby naked and I liked to play touchy feely with him and when he comes in our room and finds me getting dressed or undressed he becomes excited too. But sometimes no matter what we women wear or how we try to seduce...if a man is too tired or stressed he will not respond. Once we had the house alone to ourselves and I ran into the bedroom and started to undress for the great love-making session I just knew we were going to have. When he walked in and saw me he gave me this "deer in the headlights" look and I knew that he wasnt in the mood. I sometimes take it personally and pout but I know that he is really too tired to do it. But dont you find that when it's just right even if it's once a month...that it is just wonderful and the passion and love flows? I find this to be true. I would suggest playing hard to get and showing no interrest in sex, but then your H would probably think you were sick or something...LOL. <br>When your H gives you oral does he do it with a lot of pressure or not? Do you exhert pressure too ....I have had no success at O with oral, but thought maybe I wasnt doing something right. Any tips would be appreciated.

I don't know if any of you read my post a couple months back-men with low sex drive-but I have the same problem. I'm like at my peak (I'm 36), and want it all the time! (I never used to be like that, in fact, since having 3 kids, my drive had been pretty low). But now that things have changed with me, I noticed how low my husband's drive really was. I went out and bought sexy undies and lingerie for the first time in YEARS, and thought he'd LOVE it--but unfortunately he looked at it as pressure and retreated. So I've learned to not come on strong no matter how much I want to do something (if he even suspects that I've been "planning" it in my mind, there's no way!) Fortunately things have gotten better with a lot of talk. We've actually done it more last month than we did ALL year last year! But I still get disappointed when he's not in the mood--I usually take it personally (especially when I forget and put on something sexy in anticipation of an interlude--and get no response!)<p>Actually, those of you who have husbands with low sex drive should get them into the doctor. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but when things started getting hard to handle with my newfound sex drive, and not getting my needs met- and not understanding what my husband's problem was (except for the fact that he runs his own business and works 70-80 hours a week-and was too tired all the time to do anything), one morning I realized that he wasn't breathing on and off while he was sleeping. For 10-15 seconds at a time-with as little as four small breaths in between. He has sleep apnea, and the main symptoms are exhaustion(since he never gets into the deep sleep you need to be rested--his body has to wake up all those times during the night to breathe), and low sex drive. Also during his doctor's appt., he had blood taken for blood tests, and his thyroid was low--which also causes exhaustion. I was actually incredibly relieved to find out that this was a real problem (and not just disinterest in ME!) I thought I was going to go crazy--that's when I started to post here.<p>But now he is on meds for the thyroid condition, and awaiting an appt. with the doctor about the sleep apnea. In the meantime, he is doing the best he can at meeting my needs, and I have toned down the effort to make moves on him (I actually prayed that God would take away my need to make love to my H--well, not all of it-just some of it so the need to make love wasn't so intense--and God did answer my prayer! I can actually go a few days before I feel the need! Although, I have to keep telling my H that it's not just sex that I need, it's the "bonding" and the love that I feel when we're together--that's what I'm craving).<p>To Hopeful: While my H doesn't have a lot of energy to expend on making love, he does love to give oral on me. If one can have a talent in that area, he does! I feel uncomfortable in giving details, but you asked if he does it with a lot of pressure, and he mixes it up a lot with very soft, to some pressure and back again. I've never had trouble having an orgasm, but it's usually from oral instead of from intercourse(although that has happened too). It's actually him that has trouble sometimes-hopefully due to the two conditions he has (he also has a low testosterone level, which the doctor hopes will be taken care of when the other conditions are treated--so it usually takes him a long time to "finish"-like more than 20 minutes)

it is so nice to have someone to talk to who understands.my h calls me a nympho.he does have a thyroid problem.He was taking lithium for his manic depression and it messed his thyroid up.He dumped the pills down the toilet and will not take any medicine.His parents have been harrassing me to get him to get a checkup for years.He keeps procrastinating. Anyway, I have to be thankful for my h because he really is a wonderful guy. About the oral.I'll try not to be too descriptive.It has taken years for him to get the hang of it. I require him to do the same thing without stopping.He sometimes gets tired right before I'm almost there. I told him to use a light touch on the most sensitive area and then I like it if he puts his fingers inside as well. It helps to spread apart the skins as far as comfortable.If you know what Kegels are, do them. That usually does it. I also like the same thing with me on my stomach.Well,he usually doesn't like to give it, so I make a big deal about it when he does. I'm 26-almost at that nutty stage.My h knows it and is probably dreading it. We don't have kids, and he casually talks about having them.Well, I'm not having any if this is how it is.My sex life will go to zero instead of once a month.

Ladies,<p>Thanks for the input...it was very helpful to me. It's odd but my H has sleep apnea too. He hasnt seen a doctor but I know he has it because I listen to his breathing and it's just the way you described. So if my H is exhausted and he often tells me he is in the morning after he sleeps all night then it's because of that. And my H is 42 and mens testosterone level drops at that age. So I should really be thankful we make love 3 times a week considering what he is going thru. I need to get him to a doctor which he strongly resists. Why are men like that? Anyway it's good to know that there is hope for all of us and thanks so much for the tips on the oral topic. <p>[This message has been edited by hopeful2 (edited 02-06-99).]

Just an encouraging note on last night.I actually got some action.He seemed to be in a real good mood last night and even stayed up later to watch tv with me. It was xena.Don't ask me why we were watching it. We never do and this was an awful episode. Well, I ran in my room to change out of my church dress and decided to put my animal print outfit on. I ran out into the living room and attacked him on the couch. He laughed because I was doing all these xena moves to be funny. We cuddled a little on the couch and then went to bed. He got the idea. We had sex and it was pretty affectionate and all. Well, he got so excited about my outfit and my new muscles(I've been lifting some weights recently) that he came too fast. He lasted about 5 minutes. We talked about it some. He said he has been too distracted about work to be in the mood.Since we haven't done anything in a while, he says he got too excited.I never make a big deal about it when he is premature. It happens to everyone once in a while.I told him maybe we should plan it on purpose. He said that as soon as he figures out what he is going to do about work(quit,sue, or put up with it)things will get better.Things have been really improving at church, so we will see what happens.Anyway, I try to take advantage of those moments he is in the mood.

Diana,<p>Sounds like a good start! You know we dont realize the pressure men endure at work sometimes. I dont know what your husbands problems are but bosses can be cruel and demanding. I know my husband is considering a job change....not job field but different company, because his boss is sort of a physcho. These kinds of pressures weigh heavy on a persons mind and can beat them down. My H tells me I am the best part of his day. When he comes home and sees my face he can let the job and world outside go. But sometimes he doesnt and I can always tell. I wish you continued luck in this area. There is hope.

Great things to report!<br>As I mentioned earlier, My H & I went to a marriage seminar conducted by the PAIIRS inc. What a magical, wonderful approach to BONDING>>>> I think too often we don't realize that sex is a part of the bonding process &, when we are not really bonding, believe it or not, sex will not be as natural.. Even for men!.. In the "Passage for Intimacy" seminar, we looked at learnig how to share constructively. We brought up areas, be they big or small, that sometimes creeps in the "way" and it was AMAZING to see people warm up to each other... There is a DTR (daily temperture reading) that they advocate being done EVERYDAY.. It takes about 10 mins & just gives a couple 10 mins everyday to "check-in" with each other & "take a temperture".. You start by giving an appreciation to your partner & they, back to you. You then give a new piece of information, ask a question that's puzzling you, share a hope, wish or dream.. As simple as this may sound, it opens up dialogue, allows the partners to be "concerned" about their partner for at least 10 mins everyday & it creates a "safe environment" for growth in bonding.. I would strongly reccomend this to all....

Sounds wonderful~~~!!!!!

I have a peculiar problem right now. <p>For many years, my sex life with my husband was kind of boring and routine. There were many reasons for this, some of them being a) living in an apartment with upstairs neighbors (landlord), which was sort of like making love in your parents' house; b) issues I had about my weight; c) intermittent job stress on both our parts; d) the laziness that comes with a long-term relationship; and other reasons that my husband may know abut that I don't.<p>Anyway, last summer he tried something a bit "spicier" and I freaked out. I'd been having concerns about some of his friendships with women at work and I took the change to mean he was having an affair (I know this appears on warning lists). We had a long talk and I mentioned about my weight, and he said "Why are you punishing me because you feel bad about your weight?" And he was right. It was like a wall broke down and it got better.<p>Then I started writing a novel and found that the "romantic lead" was a lot like my husband, and it was like I rediscovered why I fell for him in the first place. And things got a LOT better.<p>Then in December, one of his women friends from work (with whom he'd stayed in close touch since he'd left) left a message on our machine that triggered my fears again. I tried to suppress them and everything was fine.<p>But on Sunday, we had a big blow-up about this woman again, and one thing he said to me was "You want to control everything and make all the rules. For years you never cared about what I wanted sexually, and now you just want me to hop to it every time you want it." Since Sunday, he's just shut me out...no sex, no cuddling. He's affectionate in other ways (hugs, backrubs and such), so he's not COLD, but no sex. I wonder if he's decided to punish ME.<p>Now, in fairness, neither of us slept much on Sunday, and we have both been tired the last few days. He never sleeps well, he's been a bit depressed about his current job, so he's sleeping only about four hours a night. He has bad sinuses too, and that doesn't help.<p>The problem I have is that I want sex about 3-4 times a week, and I feel that right now is a really bad time for me to instigate sex, with him being unhappy at work and not sleeping well. <p>Any thoughts on how long I should give it before instigating something? During my "re-awakening" (we are both 43), he's said things like "Sweetie needs a 19-year-old" and "Sweetie's turned into a 19-year-old guy" and "You have to understand, I'm OLD." I don't want to put undue pressure on him, nor do I want him to think I'm going to seek sex elsewhere (especially in view of our discussions about my feelings about his work friend). I need to find that fine line between making him feel desired and putting pressure on him. He enjoys light back rubs and massages, and I've been doing a lot of that every night. <p>Any thoughts on how to proceed from here?<p>Thanks.

Dazed and Confused: A lot of the things you say are very familiar. Mine and my husbands sexual relationship was for the last few years dwindling to about once a month(if that) and was predictable and routine. He always wanted to try new things, but I was uncomfortable with that. Our sex drives were just about nil because of that, his working so much, our kids, etc. Then, when I realized how far apart I felt from him, I prayed that God would make our marriage what He wanted it to be. Then I had a "re-awakening"! I wanted it ALL the time! But he didn't. He said it took us years to get where we were sexually, and he couldn't change overnight (like I did). I felt devestated at his rejection to my advances--I just wanted to feel bonded to him again (all the time!) He tried to keep me satisfied when he could(his drive just wasn't there-and if you've read any of my posts, we found out there were physical reasons for the lack of drive), and even though we've made love more in the last two months than we did all last year, I still get sort of depressed when it goes more than a few days without doing anything. But I've realized that a few days is NOTHING! It feels like an eternity to me-but for him it's nothing! I tend to blow things out of proportion, and think way too much about things. <p>It's only been since Sunday, right? And he's still affectionate? It seems like if he was pulling away from you because of the fight, he would pull ALL the way away, and stop the backrubs and hugs too. Maybe he just doesn't feel like it right now. Did you ask him?<p>You probably need to resolve the problems you have about the jealousy that you feel over his relationship with his former co-worker. You said you confronted him about this? Was there nothing going on between them? Do you believe him? Do you think your "re-awakening" has anything to do with that situation--maybe you want him attached to you, instead of this other woman?<p>I would give him a few days. Sounds like there are legitimate reasons why he doesn't feel like doing anything. Keep showing him attention and love in the meantime. Letters always work for me--write him a letter to tell him how you feel. Give him some time to "catch up" to you and your new found feelings. My husband asked me to just be patient with him, and I tried(it was very hard for me), but it has paid off! As long as he doesn't feel pressure to perform, he's fine.

I forget who replied to me now, but I didn't want to give the impression that I only orgasm when I masturbate, because that is not true. I'm happy to say that the majority of the time, I orgasm with my husband during sex. Occassionally I don't, but it's pretty rare. I don't know why I don't seem to have any real trouble reaching orgasm during sex, but it sounds like I'm a lucky minority in that department!! Could it be that some of you don't feel comfortable letting go like that during sex? Is it possible you feel awkward at being "watched"? Another thing it could be is that perhaps he's not matching your "natural rythym." If he's going too fast or too slow, that can throw things off. You have to make sure that there is sufficient pressure (whatever that may be, as it is an individual thing) on the clitoris in order to reach orgasm. Pay attention to the pressure you use when masturbating, and then try duplicating it when making love. It may take some practice, trial and error, if you will. And that pressure does not neccessarily have to come from the penis...if you are on top, pressure of the clitoris against his groin area (right above the penis-the pubic area) will produce the right effect. It's the outer 3rd of the vagina, along with the clitoris, that produces the most sensation, since that area has most of the sensitive nerve endings. Ever wonder why once you insert a tampon, you can no longer feel it? THAT'S why. Also, I don't generally masturbate with my hands, I usually rub up against something, like "hump" an old pillow or something. With my hand, it takes a lot longer to produce the right pressure to produce an orgasm. I suspect that's the case with a lot of women. Of course, men don't realize that...they're caught up in the fantasy that we use our hands like they do, which porn has stuck in their brains, and it's simply not always the case. So take a clue from how you masturbate, and see what happens!!

tommywife,<p>It was me that you posted to about the orgasm thing. When you said pay attention to the pressure you apply when masturbating, really was good advise. Unfortunately we have all had the flu here and there hasnt been time for play, but I will study this and see. With me I have never orgasmed with a fibrator or rubbing against anything...it seems my thighs have to be sortof crossed and I have to hold onto the bed for traction. Then thrust my lower pelvic area in repetition to achieve orgasm...once I do this and orgasm I can have up to 5 orgasm this way..sometimes less depending on how I feel. It is very puzzling to me that I can do it this way and no other. But I will keep investigating. Also I dont have any problems about feeling uncomfortable or too shy with my H so it's really not a mental problem. The thing you mentioned about not having enough pressure applied when we have sex may be the problem, but I'm not sure. We have tried different positions and oral sex and all but there never seems to be enough pressure when done in these other positions. I was wondering if anal sex made a woman orgasm better. Does anyone know anything about this? This all sounds strange to others I guess and I hope I havent offended anyone. but if you cant talk among other women on a forum annonymously then where can you talk? thanks<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful2 (edited 02-12-99).]

just like to add my 2 cents worth of input to this topic. i'm 50yrs. old as is my w. we've been married for 25yrs. in the beginning we had sex all the time and she never o'd. she had never had an o, even in her first marrieage or the 11 men she had been with before marriage. she excused herself by saying that she didn't miss what she never had. i wonder now if she was m'ing and having o(s) but had never had an o with a man. that must be it. anyway, i'm a people pleaser and worked deligently on our sex so that she could have an o. after a couple of years, as i recall, she started having o(s). with time she began to always have an o. but conversly, i began to grow bored with sex and started taking longer and longer to finish. she too was beginning to gain weight which made it more difficult for me to perform and she got to where she didn't want me to see her naked and i didn't care to see her naked. i've always worked out and have been in great shape. i've always relied on m to relieve my sexual need and got to where it became the only thing i did for sex. i started using porn movies a lot. a couple of years ago, we went over a year with no sex, between us. i became involved with a woman at work and became intoxacated with her, our sex, and being with her. the affair is nearly over and my wife and i are considering getting back together. she tells me how hot she is, she's taking hormone replacement medication, and how she wants us to have a great sex life. i wonder, if an attractive spouse is one of my most important emotional needs, with her being overweight, can i learn to like it? will i constantly gaze at other woman and feel like i've been missmatch. as you can see, at 50, the sex drive is still there, big time. and ever at 50, i'm still in great shape and need a reasonaable attractive woman. i think that no matter how much a woman wants it, if she is not found to be attractive by her spouse, he cannot respond. please share your thoughts on this with me. thanks!!

to Frankie and I hope others respond,<br>I was in a short term marriage before and after we were married a while I began to think. "His teeth were ugly, His fingers were ugly, his breath was smelly etc." I really don't know where all that came from but it was just something I had to overcome and decided I really like him, then I fell more in love and finalllllyy all of those things, I had thought were so yuk, I didn't even notice....I think as we grow older and really love someone and we have a good time just being together, making love is just part of that liking that person. I know men are different and they are more into what a person looks like, but I don't believe that to be the case all of the time. Haven't you ever seen these little cute guys with these BIG, FAT and not really cute WOMEN. Go Figure????<br>Any way, Frankie answer this. Why would a guy marry a women that NOW he says he's not attracted to and that is why he doesn't want to ml with her?? We have only been married 3<br> years. I have a good job so I always go to work fixed up. I get plenty of raves from the guys I work with. Also, seems like he lets us get just so close then picks fights with me maybe to distance us again. Any ideas on that from you gals.

As far as the anal sex goes, that sounds like quite a turn off. No offense to those who do. Any thing inserted in there is nothing but pain and hemoroids.I had a barium exray and the tub was almost as big as my husband and it was hell. I screamed and cried until it was over. Sorry, but that is for exit only! My two cents on that subject. <p>As far as physical attractiveness to your spouse, I try to concentrate on things that are attractive instead of focusing on the negative. Yeah, he has a stomach and no hair, and bad breath(whatever etc.)But, hey he has great legs, a nice butt, beautiful eyes and smile.etc.To me, I think the personality traits are more important than the outside.I'd rather have an ugly spouse than a mean, egotistical, rude or abusive spouse.Even Jane Fonda is going to get ugly someday.And so is Tom Cruise.So try your best to concentrate on those important things that last.Like faithfulness, hardworking, honest, forgiving etc.If you don't have those things, you don't have a marriage, no matter how hot and sexy you/he/she is.

Diana,<br>ROFLOL!!!! The barium enema thing was a good one!!! Now that I think about it, I remember having one too and it did hurt, but I just had to ask. <br>About the attractiveness issue...it's funny what some of us find attractive. what I thought was appealing at 18 is not so appealing to me now. I am 5'8" and my H is 5'6". He has a belly but I find it very sweet and I dont look at it with repulsiveness. He had the belly when I met him, and to tell the truth I did not swoon or fall madly in love with my H when I first met him. But he grew on me. It was his personality that I was attracted to and I liked his hair which is blonde and falls in wringlets on his shoulders. He keeps it back in a pony tail usually but I like him to take it down when we make love. I love his eyes and when I look into them I get intoxicated. I love his butt and I cant keep my hands off of it when we are in bed. He has very muscular arms and tatoos on each which I find very exciting too. I love his voice and his sense of humor. But most important of all I love the way he loves me and opens the car door for me...not when I get out, but just when I get in. He calls me a special pet name and in general he makes me feel special. I am also overweight...not grossly obese but I could lose a few pounds, but he tells me I am beautiful and that he loves my smile. <br>I guess what I am trying to say is that when 2 people are truly in love, physical attributes blurr when compared to spiritual compatibility and being best friends with your mate. Love actually grows stronger through the trials and tiffs you have. You learn to bend and look at yourself in the mirror to see what you could change about yourself. "Am I too selfish?" "Am I cruel at times?" "Why did I hurt his feelings?". Thats why I love marriage builders and try to adhere to the rules. I have had failed marriages before where I was not loved or respected, not treated with kindness and just down right neglected. I have had H's with great bodies, but that didnt make them great lovers nor did it make them love me more. I am considered to be a good looking woman, but that did not insure me a H that cherished me or one that would stay true. No I dont think we should let ourselves go and become ugly fat slobs who never bath for crying out loud...but if you deeply love someone, our physical flaws are more easily forgiven. If you go by the Bible, then you believe in becoming "one" with your mate and that means loving them as you love yourself. <br>The problem with running out and having affairs when we feel neglected in our marriage is that usually down the road the person we are having the affair with will become unattractive to us too in some form or another. You did say Frankie that your affair was ending? If it was so great why did it not last and why are you contemplating going back to your wife? <br>I knew a woman who fell in love with this great looking guy. She was bound and determined to get him. She lost weight, dyed her hair, and had breast implants. She snagged him, but she was devestated when he left her for another woman who had small breasts and wasnt, in her mind, as attractive as herself. He told her that it was this womans mind and her attitude that excited him. So..while you're working on those great bodies...give a little attention to your personality. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

RIGHT ON HOPEFUL2. <br>Man, did you hit the nail on the head or WHAT!?? (Lol). As I mentioned a few postings ago my H & I went to a marriage seminar last weekend called PAIIRS.. (if any of you get a chance it's really a good program) anyhow, I've always had a weight issue. Not obese but I certainly could stand to lose about 25lbs.. The bottom line is this. For ALL of my life I have NEVER had anyone in my life or, been in a place in my life, where I could talk about my weight issues. Last night, I changed that when I talked to my H about it.. It might have something to do with his lack of desire and, it just might not as he said but, I know what you mean when you speak of having a WONDERFUL husband. My husband told me last night, that I was beautiful inside & out, & although he wants me to be healthy & happy with my self, he loves me for who I am.. WOW! What a powerful statement... I mentioned to him that although I had my own issues with my weight the cycle of him not being interested in sex proved to be especially challenging for me due to my personal weight issues.. We comitted to starting a gym regement as of tomorrow.3 times a week in the morning. You know Hopeful2, I realized AGAIN what a WONDERFUL man God had given to me just by his willing nature to particiiapte in something that will strengthen me, him & ultimately our marriage.. About the opening of the car door.. Man, I still smile when he does it and he does it EVERY time.. I tell you, A consistent husband outweighs all the sex in the world!.. God certainly teaches us about our inner strentghs & qualities when, all that we think we want, is not as instantanelously available as we would like.. I would not chage a thing!....Sex will come in it's due time!!!!!!<p>Keep up the faith women .. For those believers out there.."In all things give thanks!"

joyross,<br>I am so happy that your H supported you about the weight issue. He didnt give you an ultimatim to lose weight or he was leaving, but is willing to go with you. Thats wonderful! About the opening of the car door..you know I have seen men walk about 10 paces ahead of their wives or girlfriends because either they are just rude or they didnt want others to think they were with that person. I have also seen women do the same with their H....every time I get ahead of my H, he says "Hey! I'm back here!" LOL! And I always put my arm in his arm when we are out anywhere. I realize if couples dont do this that it may seem odd to all of a sudden start, but it just makes you feel good and it goes back to the respect thing.

Also my H told me that if I was uncomfortable being overweight that that was for me to decide to lose. He loved me either way. But I know that if I lose the pounds I will be more confident and just maybe our sex life will benefit from it because I will have more energy and look more appealing to my H. I mean it doesnt hurt an old house to get some new paint and a little remodeling.... <br>Is it just me or does it seem like women have to work a little harder at staying attractive than men. For instance...they dont feel the need to wear makeup(LOL) and they dont fuss with their hair as much as we do. They dont spend alot of time on their wardrobe and they dont do their nails. Mind it my H tells me that I look fine without all this stuff...but when I do take the time to fix up, his face lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees me or like a child in a candy store. When we shop for clothes, he tells me what he likes and doesnt like on me and he enjoys it when I dress up. We even create reasons to go out, just so I can dress up. sometimes in the day to day grind we find we dont have time to simply celebrate each other. I guess it goes back to the "never stop dating your mate" topic. <br>

Sorry about the multiple postings, but for some reason it wont let me post a long one. <br>They may be tired of my "novels"....LOL!<br>I hope everyone had a great Valentines day. We bought a bottle of wine and some chocolates on Val eve and listened to music by candlelight. I even listened to "his" music, which I always critized him about before. Boy was I stupid!!! Just because I didnt like it...I had to make not so nice coments about it? Anyway, I listened and even danced to it and you know I had a wonderful time! I think I even like his music now. He felt great because I was sharing something with him instead of putting it down. I have often felt bad when I made fun of his music and he found someone else who liked it as well as himself and they would talk about it or concerts...etc....I felt left out and a little jealous. But I brought it on myself. My H never once critisized the music I like to listen to and even bought me tickets to a concert of one of my favorite singers.