If anyone knows the answer to this, PLEASE tell me!!<P>Brief history:<BR>H has been involved in an affair for 2.5 years now. We have gone through all the normal madness. Six months after discovery, he moved out, and 300 miles away to live within 5 minutes of OW. While separated, he would not leave me alone. He called me constantly; usually at work, which made it hard for me to dodge his calls. Towards the end of his six month lease, he told me he wanted to come home. He also was complaining of neurological problems (dizziness, blurred vision, etc.), so I let him come back and saw to it that he got medical treatment ASAP. In hindsight, I let him back into my life too soon, but I was worried about his health. I have no doubt that his symptoms were real, but I think they were stress related. He ended up seeing a psychiatrist and was in counseling for about five months or so. The shrink diagnosed him with major depression, post traumatic stess and organic mood disorder. Then, he upruptly stopped all his medication and stopped therapy as well.<P>Since that time, he has spiralled deeper into depression. He began taking off for days at a time, without telling me he was going away or even leaving me a note. I'm sure he has been spending 'overnighters' with OW.<P>Recently, he's been telling me that he has been trying to drive me away because I would be better off without him. We have been having discussions about dividing assets.<P>Today, I told him that I felt it was going to be very difficult to go through a divorce while living together. I have asked him to move out on several occasions, but he refuses. I don't have the strength to force him out (both physically & emotionally). Throughout this whole ordeal, the message he has continually sent me is, "Go away. Don't leave me." He has also told me repeatedly that his relationship with OW "is not long term", whatever the hell that means!<P>His current behavioral pattern is that he will disappear for a couple of days. He comes home, then sleeps in the spare room for usually two nights. (I think he is trying to punish himself.) Then, he finds his way back into my bed. We have not been intimate for around nine months now. When he sleeps with me he clings to me and if I get up in the middle of the night, he comes out and searches for me.<P>Personally, I think he needs to be locked up. I think he has manic depression. But, he is holding down a job so on the surface he seems to be functioning.<P>Today, I brought up his depression again. He is despondent, and has basically given up on life. He is very resistent to going back on medication. As he was getting ready for work, I brought him one of my anti-depressants (Zoloft), and asked him to take it. He did. Then he said, "thank you".<P>How do you walk away, when you know they are sick???? I have been really trying to back away and not do my co-dependant thing. Do I try to force him back to a doctor? I can't force him to take drugs.<P>I am really struggling right now.

Hello Dear Lady!!!<P>Long time, no type! I'm so sorry about your continued troubles.<P>Let me ask you; do you want to walk away? Is leaving him the only way that you can "save" yourself?<P>I know this is probably against what most people will say to you, but I don't think you should go! You have endured tremendous pain; a waffling husband; a ongoing affair; but I really don't think you should give up on him!<P>Your H is ill, no doubt about it. No, you cannot make him take his medication, and I can only image what pain you are in from watching him self destruct. What he needs right now, IMO, is an ENORMOUS amount of love, patience, and hope! <P>Are you done, Sid? Do you have anything left to give him? Can you leave for a while? Has a divorce been filed? <P>E-mail me if you want. I'd be happy to chat w/you, k? <P>Love you Sweetie. <P>Cheryl<P><BR>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited March 18, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited March 19, 2001).]

Hi Cheryl,<P>I've thought about leaving, but he can't afford the house expenses by himself. I'd have to subsidize him living in our nice home, while I live in a small, depressing apartment. Then, to make matters worse, my job situation is very uncertain at the moment. Our division was sold to another company. I'm reluctant to endure the trouble & expense of moving, only to be possibly forced to move again (out of state)in a few months, or be unemployed. It seems that my whole life is in turmoil!!!<P>I've been working on my resume this weekend, as I may have a shot of getting transferred to Florida. This would mean I could stay with the same company which I've now worked for 18 years.<P>Right now, I'm trying to focus on me. Because I realize I can't fix his problems. I'm not sure how much longer I can let him continue to drag me down. I also struggle with wondering if my staying in this situation is 'enabling' him and preventing him from getting help. It's looking like he's going to have to hit rock bottom. I really think that once I take action to end our relationship that he's going to crumble. That's one reason I've been trying to get him to go back to therapy. So that he has some type of support system. I don't think that sleazy OW has any idea of what might be heading her way.<P>Thanks for the kind words and caring thoughts. They are appreciated. Hope you are doing okay.

Sounds a lot like my stbxw (adulterer too).<P>Borderline Personality Disorder rings a bell from what I've read.<P>The "Go away. Don't leave me." part in particular.<P>Investigate BPD.<P>I think that is what my wife has, but it has taken me so long to figure it out and given my own mistakes in the marriage, I'm not the one to save her. I think my wife was sexually abused as a child, though she denies it. (she referenced to an episode one time, but later recanted it) She has some issue with her father. (he was distant and not home a lot when she was young) They moved around a lot too.<P>BPD is extremely difficult to treat though most people outgrow it in their mid to late 30s. Most therapists limit the numbers they treat at one time. These people will drive you crazy. My wife is totally irrational and hallucinates. I'm getting primary custody of our daughter to try to protect her.<P>It is impossible for these people to get help when a lover tells them that there is nothing wrong with them as do their so-called "friends" (new ones with bad morals). They do not show symptoms to these other people.

Hi, Sidney...<BR>First of all... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sidney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You must feel like you are on some warped episode of the "Twilight Zone". You have given everything and got very little in return. I just cannot believe that you have put up with this for as long as you have. <P>All that just shows how much fortitude, love and commitment you have inside of you. I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but you still love the big lug, or you wouldn't still be there.<P>I was intrigued by something you said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Personally, I think he needs to be locked up<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I really hate to say this(I'm sorry, but my first, immediate response was a chuckle), but I think I agree with you. At least maybe some "forced" convalescence would be in order. Your H is different than the run-of-the-mill WS we have around here. It's pretty obvious that his mental state(or lack of one) is the real problem here. It's not you and it's not that your marriage was all that bad. He just cannot control himself.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He is despondent, and has basically given up on life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is a major warning sign(and you've had a lot of those). Have you talked to any medical professionals about H to see if there is some kind of intervention you can take? <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I also struggle with wondering if my staying in this situation is 'enabling' him and preventing him from getting help<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is a tough call and one I'm not qualified to advise you on. On one hand, you could be right, but on the other, your leaving could be the "last straw".<P>If you don't do something here to change things, he is going to drag you down with him and I, for one, don't want to see that happen. You know, ceecee is right about him needing love, etc., but he won't get well without the addition of some pretty competent medical help. But you already know that.<P>You have my e-mail if you want to talk.<P>Love you bunches, Sidney....<P>--DeWayne--<P><BR>

sidney,<P>I kind of agree with ceecee - Is leaving him what you really want to do? I am not suggesting that you become a "doormat" for his behavior. Remember the vows we all made - "in sickness and in health"....<P>In response to the infidelity I agree that you should not stand for it.... but for the depression, you may want to rethink your position. The last few months we were together, my wife was in a depression. I totally understand what you are going through - I would often come home in a good mood, only to be brought down by her mood. BUT, I knew she was "sick" and I knew that it was part of my marriage to be there for her. I supported her up until the day SHE decided to leave. Would I have stayed if "she" stayed but did not get better? Knowing myself - yes. How can I say that? Because I would not have stood for it - whatever it took to get her help I would have done. She would have either changed or she would have left out of frustration. If what I was doing wasn't working, I would have tried something else... But I can tell you one thing - I would never have given up on the marriage. Maybe it is stubborness or whatever, but I strongly believe in her and in our marriage.<P>There is a great book that is a little different story than your situation, but it may be a source of inspiration to you. It is called "The Vow: The Carpenter's Story" and it is about a young couple who is put through one of the worst circumstances and how their dedication to each other at different times helped their marriage survive.<P>Just my thoughts....<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Hi F1H0,<P>Wow, it's really interesting that you mention BPD. When H's shrink mentioned 'organic mood disorder', I researched that to find that it is a generic term for a whole array of possible disorders. As I read through the symptoms of each, when I hit BPD, I though that it really described him, too. H had a terrible childhood which included sexual abuse. His behavior is incredibly irrational, & he has had episodes of hallucinations, also.<P>As you state, I'm sure that H appears to be one of the most stable & dependable people around to OW. He has 'run to her rescue' on numerous occassions. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that he's had a complete personality split; he's one person with her and a totally different person with me. Just my luck-- I get the cruddy person!!!<P>I will read up some more on BPD. Thanks for the insights.<P>Hi DeWayne,<P>Thanks for the cyberhugs! Yes, a very good analogy-- warped episode of the twilight zone. That sums it up very well! I have struggled so hard to get him some help and he was going for awhile, then, for some reason, he simply gave it all up. I know that the counseling sessions were very painful for him, & I'm wondering if he feels like the depression is better than the pain of healing. I think that he realizes how ill he is & I also believe that he really is trying to drive me away because he doesn't want me to have to deal with it. Yet, he also knows that I am his only link to sanity, his only chance at getting well. Yesterday, we discussed the fear he has inside. I pointed out how he is letting that fear take over his life & it's destroying him. I told him that he has it within him to deal with it. I said, "My God, you used to jump out of airplanes. How did you overcome the fear to be able to do that??" His response was, "Training and peer pressure." I told him that he can learn how to deal with this fear as well. I also think that another motivator in jump school was that he had a big, mean plattoon sergeant who would kick butt!! I've tried to get him interested in some type of support group, but he won't hear of it. I suppose I'll make one more attempt with the medical profession. But, I feel like I'm really running out of options. Thanks for your support.<P>Hi Mike,<P>I can totally relate to what you're saying. The main reason I'm having such a hard time giving up is knowing how ill he is. Yet, I do not have the wherewithall to help him. I'm not even sure there are many in the medical profession who can help him. Thanks for the book title; I'll check it out. <P>