This is the last posting, I promise! <br>Once I asked my husband, "what is one single thing that you wish I would do to make our sex and or love life better?" He replied, "Stop being so critical of me and so judgemental, and it will free up my mind and relax my spirit with you." This really hit me hard, because I expected him to say something different. I stopped using him as my punching bag when I got frustrated with things, or my hormones were eating at me.<br>What is the correct spelling of critisized anyway??? LOL!!! I cant get it right to save me...<br>Anyway...joyross, you're right: the sex will come with time and tender loving care and when it doesnt, it isnt the end of the world.

Hopeful2<br>You are precious!... I'm glad you had a good day listening to "his" (lol) music.. If we can remember how we felt when someone criticised us, then we might be a bit more considerate & not be too quick to critise others. I sent him balloons, delivered to our door (that was funny to see his face). I cooked some nice Salmon fillets & we had a quiet evening. It was nice. Sunday we had a GREAT day- Went to church, brunch a movie & started our excercise program at 6:00am this morning.. I have a great HUSBAND.. My e-mail is joyross@concentric.net If you want to chat further just give me a shout!

I gave up. My husband is eight years older than me, with no sex drive! I tried reading Dr. Harley's material, but nothing will change him. He won't go for marriage counseling. He tells me I'm ridiculous for complaining that he is never in the mood. I seriously keep myself in shape, and I look good. I'm smart and I have a decent job. I also had a brief affair with one guy who made me feel so desirable, so wanted and so fabulous. But, he was married to a sexless person also, and we both knew it was wrong to cheat. When that ended, I was devestated. He made me feel better and more wanted than my husband ever made me feel. My husband just wants to read and watch stupid television. He loves war documentaries and other boring stuff. He's boring, and I wish that I knew how it felt to have a husband who actually wakes me gently in the middle of the night to make love to me. That has never happened once in this 15 year marriage. We have no children, we have no problems like drugs or drinking or money issues. Even on vacation sex is the furthest thing from his mind. He's basically good to me, and everyone knows he truly loves me. He has no idea about my brief encounter with that other guy who I used to work with. Even that did not get as far as making love, but everything else was there. My husband looks at the TV when we talk about serious things. And we don't talk often about serious things. He walks away when I let him know how frustrated I am sexually. I hate the choices I made in life. I wish I could do it all over.<p>I wish I could get a new job, meet someone new, and feel loved again. Or, I wish I could disappear from the face of the earth and make him miss me. When I went on business trips with my previous career, he wouldn't me in the mood either. And sometimes I was away for a week or more. He just does not need sex. And I don't need him.

Hello all following this. I want to tell you about what changed my life. I tried everything and nothing seemed to work. The first thing I did was make up my mind that I would take responsability forevery thing that had gone wrong. Boy did that not help. Then I found out about a book. "Light Her Fire" that was written as an after thought to "Light His Fire". <p>I can tell you that it gives the best ideas and real life examples. I started doing what it said right away. THE RESULTS WERE AMAZING. She found out about the book and took a look at it(Of course she would denie it). Anyway after I had read it. I went to the library and and checked it out for her. <p>She did not take the book to heart as much as I did. But I can tell you it changed the way she treated me.<p>We now have romatic dinners after our three kids(including teenager) has gone to bed. I have even been able to get her to go on a romatic adventure with me and she had the time of her life, and has asked when we can do that again.<p>I was at the point of lost hope. The fact that all of you are here talking is great cause that means you are open to things that just might work. <p>

joyross...thanks! <br>I'm glad you had a wonderful Valentines Day.<p>Landis...I really feel for you. I too had a marriage like that and it didnt last. But please dont give up so soon. You seem to be still in love with your H. Perhaps you could shock him back into loving you. By that I mean ask him if he would be upset if you left and filed for divorce. See what his response is and just what he is willing to do to keep you. Surely if he loves you he will be willing to bend. He isnt having an affair is he? Anyway keep trying a little longer before you throw in the towel. Our prayers are with you.<br>Alonzo...that's a book or books I will buy. I feel we all could use new strategies for keeping love and romance alive. I had heard of those books before but had forgotten them until your post. Thanks!<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful2 (edited 02-15-99).]

Alonzo:<p>I didn't know "Light Her Fire" and Light His Fire" were available as books. Dr. Ellen Kriedman's site, 'www.lightyourfire.com' has them available as audio or video tapes, but I couldn't see where books were offered.<p>Something you wrote caught my eye:<p> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We now have romatic dinners after our three kids(including teenager) has gone to bed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>How the heck do you do that? After our 3 kids (incl. 1 teen) are in bed, I'm teetering on the edge of consciousness,<br>and my wife's not much better. This is NOT condusive to great romance!

Doug,<br>Make romantic dinner a priority. Plan it buy a bottle of wine one day. Steak another. Take a deep breath and say I am doing this for us. It also helped that I finaly took time and read "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success". or you might wish to read " The Seven Spiritual Laws of Parenting". The changes that I have made came from hard work and at times I wondered if it would all work out.<p>The thing that helps me the most is the planning and anticipation. First dinner went so so. But I thought about potential mistakes and made corrections. Last week my wife made a romantic dinner for us. Let me tell you I was thrilled. It took over a year of work but when she did it I felt so wonderful. <br>

Landis, I totally relate to what you are saying. we have different things going on in our lives, for example, we have 2 daughters that are in their 20's and out of the house.....in their own space. No $ problems at all, no health problems at the moment.........we are probably a bit older than you are ......50.......But.......<p>What is up with this????/ I am very, very sexual. I could always deny my need for more intimacy(on all levels), until I did not have the diversion that I used to have. I am not working full time. My daughters have moved into their own. This is the time that we could/should be all over each other. I also am in very good shape, I sometimes get comments that I am not a Mother to my girls, but their friend, or sister.....etc. It has nothing to do with that. In addition, I get propositioned all the time. I am at the point that you are. I have had it. I want a life, beyond what $ can buy. I need someone to be intimate with me on every level. Sexually, would be a nice place to start....also that damn TV is a pain in my [censored]!!!! Another way for them to hide. I don't know your details, nor do you mine, but the bottom line is the same. <p>Bottom line is.......women who are attractive on all levels...a lot to offer....and husbands who are not mean, or physically abusive(forget about that), but there is a tremendous element of neglect going on for us....... you also indicated that $ was not a problem. My husband is a wonderful provider. As far as money is concerned, I could not need more. I have always known, and I want to let everyone who reads this knows that money just goes so far in a realtionship.(for me anyway.......)I did not marry him for his $...he had none then. I can empathise with your post totally. Let me know how you are doing......<br>My email address is bon369@aol.com. You sound like my younger twin!!!!

Landis, I totally relate to what you are saying. we have different things going on in our lives, for example, we have 2 daughters that are in their 20's and out of the house.....in their own space. No $ problems at all, no health problems at the moment.........we are probably a bit older than you are ......50.......But.......<p>What is up with this????/ I am very, very sexual. I could always deny my need for more intimacy(on all levels), until I did not have the diversion that I used to have. I am not working full time. My daughters have moved into their own. This is the time that we could/should be all over each other. I also am in very good shape, I sometimes get comments that I am not a Mother to my girls, but their friend, or sister.....etc. It has nothing to do with that. In addition, I get propositioned all the time. I am at the point that you are. I have had it. I want a life, beyond what $ can buy. I need someone to be intimate with me on every level. Sexually, would be a nice place to start....also that damn TV is a pain in my [censored]!!!! Another way for them to hide. I don't know your details, nor do you mine, but the bottom line is the same. <p>Bottom line is.......women who are attractive on all levels...a lot to offer....and husbands who are not mean, or physically abusive(forget about that), but there is a tremendous element of neglect going on for us....... you also indicated that $ was not a problem. My husband is a wonderful provider. As far as money is concerned, I could not need more. I have always known, and I want to let everyone who reads this knows that money just goes so far in a realtionship.(for me anyway.......)I did not marry him for his $...he had none then. I can empathise with your post totally. Let me know how you are doing......<br>My email address is bon369@aol.com. You sound like my younger twin!!!!

Just to add my 2 cents. Above, one person said their h. had been on lithium, but had stopped taking it. Any thoughts for a couple where the h. is on Prozac, & it's affecting his drive? He's been told by psychiatrist he will prob'ly have to be on anti-depressives the rest of his life. Sex is good to OK. He only seems really interested about once/week. We do cuddle, kiss, etc. meantimes. Also, he seems only to climax w/certain positions, which I'm getting bored with. Any thoughts?

jeanette,<p>I'd suggest that he talk to his doctor. A prescription for Viagra might be a possibility. And a switch from Prozac to Wellbutrin might be a solution as well: when I was on Wellbutrin it "inhibited" my ability to ejaculate, but had no other sexual side effects.<p>That's the kind of side effect that you could probably learn to enjoy.

Well I am glad to know there are many other women like me who have a stronger sex drive than the spouse - as for my honey, he calls me a "hormore", and thinks I am "sick" - and I tell him that most men would BEG to have a wife that was always ready willing and able...my best friend also has a strong sex drive but her hubby is the same and alas they have a blissful relationship in that area. I have never had a problem in this area - I think my husband may have some issues - and I wish he would get through them, lolol!

hello again all. I have been away a while. My stupid computer crashed and it took three days to get it going again.ugg!<p>Well, I'm glad one of you got a charge with my barium exray experience.Anyway, Our Valentine's came and went without a big to do. We have been looking for a new house.I think we went out to Chili's and then came home to watch Mr Bean.We usually have had very nice heart days.I always plan something original.once,I had a treaure hunt all over the house and I was in this huge wrapped box in lingerie waiting for him to find me(the prize).He got a kick out of that.Then another year,I made my own phone sex commercial with my camcorder.Then I put it in the vcr and added it to the treaure hunt.I converted our finished attic into a hideway by hanging sheets and blankets.I had the cell phone with me in the attic waiting for him to find me.Well, he called, but he wanted to know where I was.I asked if he did the hunt yet and he said no/The first clue was on his coat closet and he didn't put away his coat.I told him to go do that and then find me.Well, he got to the video I made and he went beserk.When he finally found me in the attic, the sex was good.He loved what I did.(boy, was it tedious)but he was afraid it would get into the wrong hands, so he had to erase it.<p>Even though V day wasn't a big deal, he kept waking me up everynight this week.He has been taking more time to get me aroused, and it has been real good this week.I don't know the motive, but who cares!I wound up having to go to the hockey game cause no one else could go.I think he was trying to make me happy in that area because I was his date for the game.I say it is a fair trade.I made sure I got plenty of treats to keep me happy during the game too.Ha.Even though we are under a lot of stress lately, he has been pretty generous with the sex.We are trying to buy a house, he is trying to decide whether to sue his company, he is starting a business,and we just joined a new church where we are the teen leaders. Alot of pressure, but I keep telling him he has to take one thing at a time.With the computer crashing, he was a mess, and then we found out our best friend's car was getting repo'ed on which we cosigned,so we had that to take care of.Go figure.Men are so unpredictable.I just went to the gyn for the pap, and told him I don't want any sex for the next two days.He is very empathetic about that. I take the good times when they come.It is like a rollar coaster ride. I sure can relate to the rest of you who don't get any.I have been there.I am still there most of the time.

hello people new here to the forum and here i thought i was the only one!!! read bits and pieces...my problem is im 31 my h is 48 no drive at all, says no time , work differnt hours so see each other on our weekends, mine rotate, h has reg weekends off also have a dd 9 yr old which takes both of us any suggs??

Hi everyone,<br>I haven't posted for a while. I don't think age has a lot to do with it. I am 52 and my h is 51 and N drive. We have been together 5 years, married for 3. I really don't know what it is......??? even after all this time because his excuses keep changing. I alway say either he doesn't even know himself or he really does know and he's lying ??????? Have any of you tried the DHEA or TOUCHFIRE HIS/HERS???<br>DIDI

Hey,<br>Another thought. My Dr. hinted a couple of weeks ago I may have this thing called Fibromyalgia. (body aches). I have been reading a lot about it. One of the contributing factors is STRESS! I have been thinking about the fact that this sexual thing has kept me pretty stressed out for most of the 5 years that we have been married. The other night when things went pretty good between us. (at least lots of cuddleing and caresses) I think I remember not having the body aches much the next day. Could stress really do that to ya. Like having this problem that we all seem to have and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.<p>didi

i'm a50yr. old man and think i have a fairly high sex drive. i tried dhea because i thought i might have better results from my work outs. i didn't experience any apparent effect from it in either sex drive or work out.

What is dhea? About the stress thing...yes definately lack of physical touch can cause stress and depression. I know you all have heard the effects lack of touch has on babies. When I think about it...I dont really hug my kids enough...with all the hurry and bussel of the day. I dont touch them or tell them I love them enough. I dont tell them how proud I am of them enough. How much more then do we as couples need to be hugged and told we are appreciated? Those kinds of deeds can lead to a more passionate husband or wife in the bedroom. My H was raised in a family where his parents never told him or his sibling that they loved them or hugged them. How terrible! thank goodness my H is not the same, but in fact quite the opposite. But he was pretty wild growing up and I wonder if his upbringing didnt have something to do with it. I have said this before, but I catch myself wanting to critisize my H for stupid stuff. I found that when I stopped and gave him compliments his demeaner changed and his face didnt have the frown wrinkles in it. Anyway....I know some of you are giving all the love and support you can and still your H's do not want the closeness. It seems that when we are courting someone we are always more passionate and then after we are married then we or our H's get in a rut and just dont put out the effort they used to. I told my H once that when we first married he would never opt for TV or a book over me. He couldnt wait to make love to me. So I guess when you are married you have to accept the fact that it may not be every night or with Sir Lancelot....but if it happens 2 or three times a month and it's really good, then be happy.

didi,<p>I definitely think that your physical symptoms could be directly realted to your lack of closeness with your husband. As you indicated, this kind of withholding could effect you and your entire psyche.<p>Franke,<p>I admire that you tried to look into alternative ways of being about more. My question is............why did you even go there if you have a strong sex drive? Just to make yourself even better????

Hopeful2 and dlara,<br>Just wanted to thank you for responding to my post last month. My husband loves me and is good to me, and lets me know that he loves me by doing other nice things like cuddling, making a big deal out of my birthday and our anniversary, wanting to go out together often, etc. It's just that he is so different when the issue of a sex life comes up. He turns me off when ever I mention it. My life would be perfect if I could start up with my old flame who is also married, and he and I can have a secret romance that lasts forever. Never in my entire marriage did my husband ever wake me in the middle of the night to make love, or tell me how horny he is. He actually prides himself on not being a macho type. Well, I certainly do NOT want a "macho" type. I love my husband because he is so intelligent, so nice, so good looking and athletic and well built and has a good career. BUT, I DO need to feel sexually desirable. He always tells me I'm sexy and I look great. I constantly remind him that I look better than most women his age, and he totally agrees. Of course, he looks much younger than most men or women his age, too. This lack of a regular sex life is just so depressing. We make love every four to five weeks. This is not normal! I've actually been keeping count off and on since we were married 17 years ago! I travelled so much throughout my career and he never was horny when I got home. He was definetly glad I was back, and he definetly missed me, but it's like it's too much of a bother for him to get all worked up with sex. We did it alot when we were single and engaged, and I know he had quite a few women before me. He's eight years older than I am. When we do make love, it's fabulous. But, I hate being rejected whenever I initiate, and I hate that he rarely initiates! And, I'd rather he make me feel like he missed not doing it during the day, instead of making the obligatory gestures once every four or five weeks when we go to bed. I really miss my old crush. I wish we never decided to end our fling. We used to meet at the shore and go to a park, and hold hands and walk and talk for hours. We made out like teenagers, and we always were so happy to be together. He made me feel more desirable than my husband ever did. My husband compliments me, but this guy was totally turned on by me. If my husband made me feel like that, I would have never been with the other guy.