I think as what I write has gotten more <I>relaxed</I>, this thread has gone a little <I>over the top</I>. Although the promised documents have <B>not</B> come in the mail, I have every reason to think that now that I have XW's attorney's word on it, he'll come through. Perhaps a little tardy, but in my mailbox nonetheless.<P>As to why the parking lot encounter rankled a little ... well this is the family where in anger the XBIL gave the XFIL an impromptu ride on the hood of his Volvo, and XFIL would no longer be with us except for the steel of his grip and the sturdiness of Volvo windshield wipers ... same XBIL in young adulthood slammed XW into a stair rail hard enough to knock the wind out of her. He provides the most colorful examples, but most of 'em are like that--including <I>XW</I>. And XFIL continues to set the same example that made all the kids that way. So forgive me if I'm a little <I>leery</I> about going about my business--owing to XW's <I>unpredictability</I>. <P>New GF and I had a great weekend. Bought a bike ... took another bike back ... bought another bike ... took the first-bought bike back ... bought yet a third bike ... all of this to complete the replacement of two bikes that were stolen and rid ourselves of a <I>lemon</I> we bought last week. <P><I>It was a little like life and relationships, minus the emotional toll.</I> <P>And in the end, we have all of what we need and most of what we want, perhaps a little less than the flash of some of the more exotic models, but more <I>substance</I> than the sub-par ones where the welds disintegrate and the company's web page has almost as many CPSC recalls as they have models in their product lineup (think <I>Magna</I>). <P>To get there, we had to go to a lot of different stores (<I>Targets</I> mostly) shop a little harder, hale clerks into bike departments to scour backroom stock for the model we were after (a Pacific Elite, in case anyone is interested <A HREF="http://www.pacific-cycle.com/bikes/adult/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.pacific-cycle.com/bikes/adult/index.html</A> -- we got last years model and this years' model in two different colors so we wouldn't be <I>exact</I> twins). <P>In the end, if I don't get the things I'm after I suppose I <I>will</I> get a replacement title, and engage in a little extra-judicial self help by forging her signature on it, and I'll file separately for the '99 1040, in violation of the pre-nup, then go on about my business and let the chips fall where they may--counting on the CD-RW to <I>protect</I> me. <P>I'm hardly obsessed. New GF <I>knows</I> that, but she also knows there are freshly-healed scars that sometimes tear open a little, or itch, or have phantom painful sensations and unpredictable times. She knows she has to live with that, just as I have to live with some of the things that make up her past and have formed <I>her</I> personality. And she likes MarriageBuilders, but feels that in getting on here she might invavde my privacy--and I've done my best to dissuade her from that view, so one day she <I>may</I> show up.<P>And for those who fear for GF; I say to you that in finding new GF, I had the luxury of udate.com's matching algorithms on dozens of salient characteristics, and it would appear that they did the job. Things may seem <I>rushed</I>, but really they're just <I>right</I>. For $15 a month, all you unattached people (perhaps especially cynics who think it foolishness) would do well to give it a whirl. <P>And as for the language I use; it flows naturally through my fingers to the keyboard, I don't look up these words one by one out of thesaurus ... they just fit, and in they go. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited March 26, 2001).]

Oh no. I'm sure it would cost MUCH more than $15 to find a match with all of MY neuroses...<P>Besides, I do try really, really hard not to treat people like bicycles.

I think there's an old saying that "Women are like streetcars..." My counterexample would be that streetcars don't <I>run over you</I> every time they arrive and depart, but still, there's a certain amount of truth in it. <P>And I do give people a better shake than I give bikes. Remember, I'm the <I>dumpee</I>. Just trying to put <I>my</I> life back together after after XW melted down due to lack of -- <I>adventure</I>?, apparently.

So you never did answer whether your "girlfriend" was a tool or a mate.<P>I find it interesting to see/read your disposition.<BR>Although understanding being dumped hurt and caused some serious wounds. But saying your GF has to live with that is wrong. No she doesn't. She can bail if it hurts and damages her.<P>Funny thing about baggage.<BR>If not "stacked" properly, it'll keep falling on the person closest to it. Until one of two solutions are applied.<P>If the "incident" meant nothing then why are you asking us what we make of it? Why ask at all, since it meant nothing.<BR>As it appears your trying to play it off.<P>Last thing.<BR>One of the easiest things to do in life is show someone else their image. But do you see your own????<P>Have a good day and may the worst day in your future be better than the best in your past!

Hey, I have my little college degree too -- although with a Liberal Arts major and a dime you could buy a cup of coffee -- and I don't care what words you use... I've been, and continue to be, right about where you are in the scheme of things, although my divorce is final. When you date too soon, and LIVE WITH SOMEONE (which I DO, understand) you put yourself into a place where the baggage is piled so high it has no place to go but down... all over you and that new Significant Other in your life. <P>Maybe, dear Sis, you could just admit that it's there... you know, the elephant in the room. We all see it... I live with one too... and Lord knows, it's not only there, but I get pooped on by it myself about once a week or so...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gettingby71:<BR><B>If the "incident" meant nothing then why are you asking us what we make of it? Why ask at all, since it meant nothing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Because I was a bit <I>jarred</I> by it, with all that has been going on. I would agree now that its significance was less than met the eye.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B>Maybe, dear Sis, you could just admit that it's there... you know, the elephant in the room. We all see it... I live with one too... and Lord knows, it's not only there, but I get pooped on by it myself about once a week or so...<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I've never denied it was there ... but there's a lot less of it around these days, and I'm trying to dump the last of it. <P>A fair amount of it winds up <I>here</I> rather than staying around to get between me and GF. <P>Tool or mate? Much more than the former, but most probably at some point becoming the latter. Tools are simple, and you use them when you need them and put them down when you don't. A machine can run on its own or at your direction, but it has no soul. So the best word is <I>friend</I>, which everyone should be proven as, prior to becoming a <I>mate</I>.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>Oh no. I'm sure it would cost MUCH more than $15 to find a match with all of MY neuroses...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's $15 a <I>month</I>. There's no telling how long you would have to stay on there ... but I will say that I dropped it shortly after hooking up with new GF, and a few days ago I suddenly began getting e-mail from them again like I had an actual membership, so I popped over there to re-exterminate my account ... and my "dashboard" page showed some of the same old people were still hanging around. The time it takes is certanly unpredictable.<P>

Well, I see there is at least ONE perk to being celibate in this case...<P>At least I'm not PAYING to be reminded what sorry goods I am these days, like some of those other poor people on there. How sad for them. Although, I could think of much, much worse things than posting your name on an internet dating site and being rejected...and that would be to shack up with one of them and deal with all their POOP! You didn't really think I was serious, now did you Sis? Of course, then there are plenty of people who would point to the pile of poop, and say "really, sweetie, it doesn't smell THAT bad. Honest. It will biodegrade eventually. You don't have to pick it up "<P>Naaa. I think I'll just hang around and wait for that elephant to turn into a nice little terrier. The guy who "won" the Darwin Award this year was (supposedly) suffocated after being buried in elephant poop. Yep. He was a zoo-keeper, trying to relieve the poor animal from his constipation, happened to be on the wrong end of things, the elephant "let loose" knocking the guy over. He hit his head, and then--well, you know the rest.<P>Let that be a warning for all of you elephant lovers out there

TS<P>is that story true??<P>I thought it was an urban myth???????<P>

Bonnet,<P>Well, I hope its not true. That would be a really crappy way to die...get it? crappy? LOL.<P>Everyone is shaking their heads now, thinking.. Yep--she's an engineer.

In yesterday's mail I got my car title. Unexpectedly, I also discovered that a mystery payment to my Chase credit card (where I had no balance), and to my Amex were hers, dating back to mid-February. XW Attorney hadn't bothered to tell me that they were paying the money owed according to the <I>letter</I> of the settlement agreement, which had XW paying sums to a few credit cards. I would have preferred to receive the funds directly, and I don't think the settlement agreement precluded her from satisfying her obligation to me by just cutting me a $5k+ check, but I won't quibble. <P>Obviously, at this juncture, my picture has shifted a bit in terms of what is owed where, and she had no way of knowing that. The real problem is that a third card affiliated with Quicken is no longer being serviced by the same banking institution, so her payment of about half the total owed me has vanished into a black hole ... the old bank may be sending it back to her, or it may be delayed in getting credited to the new bank, since she sent it to an obsolete address. Time will tell. <P>This means a minor change to the 1040 to see that XW will receive the refund. And there are a few very minor details remaining to be cleaned up. <P>But I'm happier and happier.

Hi Sis -<BR>I keep trying to stay away from this thread, to no avail. So here I am again, finding myself drawn to post a reply.<BR>I'll be quick. You are feeling *happier and happier* and you talk about all the *details* being wrapped up with the XW, but then what? When you are through with all the details, will the GF still be of use? <P>The reason I ask is because I see you avoiding questions related to your current relationship, or you use a bizarre analogy to state your case, but you don't really answer questions about how she feels, how the GF is and what you are doing to ensure (how was that put?...) oh yes, ensure the *baggage* does not fall on top of her. <P>I think you are lucky that the GF is still with you through all of this. Especially since you say you come here to dump instead of to her. I don't think that sounds like a very healthy relationship on your part. <P>Maybe a little re-thinking is in order? What happens when you are not in need of the GF's shoulder anymore, when you have all the details wrapped up? Are you going to move on?<BR>Sorry, but it certainly looks like that is in the cards, and I feel for your GF because of it. <P>Galatea<P>------------------<BR>The only way out is to go through<BR>- Robert Frost

Most of us on these boards have been through a lot. <P>I think for many, it stretches the imagination to think that another person <I>would</I> or <I>could</I> help a recently-divorced person find their footing. Perhaps it stretches it to the breaking point to think that such a person <I>would</I> or <I>could</I> hold the stabilized divorcee's attention once that role starts to shift from rescuer (well, actually, she rescued me from a rescuer, but that's another story) to mate. Improbable or not, we have it here. <P>I am frankly through complaining about XW. There were miscues owing to a lack of communication, but apparently there was also a sincere effort to pay what she owed, and I'll neither fault her for not doing it earlier, nor for not communicating with me prior to doing it (resulting in it being a bit messy). And I will, when I get the details back from her that I need, do my best to reconcile the letter of the settlement agreement against various additional receipts (sales of items, refunds of deposits or overpayments or unused insurance) and return to her any amounts due. If there is any owed me, it'll likely be small enough that I'll probably let it go. I think of all the times I wanted to mail that CD-RW where it could do the most damage, and I'm glad I put it where it would not be an immediate temptation ... when all this is over, it'll go back to XW.<P>However, I never expect to have a civil relationship with her again, owing to what <I>I</I> felt I <I>had</I> to do in interfering with her family. I frequently ask myself whether what I did was right or wrong, and even if <I>right</I>, was it <I>enough</I>? The only answer is, it was a moral choice, made not just on my own but with a chorus of voices that told me it was the <I>minimum</I> I could do; and I did in in such a way as to give XW as much protection as possible. If it shredded the last of my relationship with her, <I>so be it</I>. <P>When I'm done, the one promise remaining to her is to replace her (formerly <I>our</I>) pomeroid (slightly oversized for <I>pomeranian</I>) dog, when he dies. That promise was made specifically without regard to any possible intervening circumstance short of incapacity. If I am called upon to honor my promise, I shall do so. <P>As to new GF; with my support (essentially convincing her to stop holding herself back due to timidity to outshine the others) she has achieved a year's billings in 90 days in a three-woman firm where she's now starting to feel like <I>Cinderella</I> owing to her boss and co-worker's reactions. She has negotiated with a relative who needs marketing (which her firm doesn't do), and launched another, different business venture; and she expects to shortly do her former job in her own firm, then add yet a third division with a related service on the internet.<P>Meanwhile, she's helping me get organized and back on track in so many ways. And now that she has a "normal" career and has found me, I am giving her the dimensions she missed out on when gymnastics coaching <I>was</I> her <I>life</I>. <P>We are unshackling and healing each other on a daily basis. I don't withhold from her the things I talk about here. I just use this to channel away the redundant stuff, and give form to thoughts and feelings that are inchoate ... as many of men's <I>feelings</I> are, until some effort is made to illuminate them. I think we'll be able to go the distance. <P>It's fine to worry about us, but there are others here with <I>crises</I> far more pressing...

galatea,<BR>Well, I guess Sisyphus did kinda answer your question...<P>but no matter...it seems that the depth of his emotions can be measured with one digit (meaning, the first digit on his finger and one numerical digit)... and that if it "doesn't work out", well, I guess $15 bucks isn't too much to cough up to find a new GF on that website.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>galatea,<BR>Well, I guess Sisyphus did kinda answer your question...<P>but no matter...it seems that the depth of his emotions can be measured with one digit (meaning, the first digit on his finger and one numerical digit)... and that if it "doesn't work out", well, I guess $15 bucks isn't too much to cough up to find a new GF on that website. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Geez Student... that last comment was pretty harsh... but I do agree that Sisyphus did "kinda" answer the question... lots of words, anyway...<P><I>BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST TELLING COMMENT OF HIS WAS? </I>The last one: <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's fine to worry about us, but there are others here with crises far more pressing...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Truer words and all that... there are others here who need help WAAAAY more... but dammit Sis, you sure can spin a yarn and cause a debate!!<P>I have been called a Drama Queen around here... and I think Sis may be the King... and I mean that in the most platonic way, of course! <P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 28, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR>[BTsk, tsk, Student... that last comment was pretty harsh... [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think TS has taken her <I>trepidation</I> to re-enter the world of romantic relationships and recast it as adherence to some virtuous ideal. There's no anger here for her comments. In fact, she has my <I>pity</I>...

haha, ohmy, and ohmygosh ... you quoted me, and while you were doing that I went back and changed it... thought it was harsh, and I didn't mean it that way... <P>Sis, I stand by my words... you sure can write... and I really still don't know what you're saying -- not exactly -- but hey, that isn't your problem.<P>Take care! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Sisyphus,<P>Oh, I see you want to play <P>"I think TS has taken her trepidation to re-enter the world of romantic relationships and recast it as adherence to some virtuous ideal. There's no anger here for her comments. In fact, she has my pity..."<P>Hmm. virtuous ideal. You are exactly correct. I do consider myself to be virtuous for not sucking someone else dry right now, using them to prop up my ego for whatever period I require to get my life back on track, and then discarding them when they've served their purpose. However, both you and your GF seem to share the same viewpoints regarding the function of your relationship so it is a victimless "crime", really.<P>You aren't making any huge leap of faith. So what? You found some chick on the internet for $15 who is willing to play footsie while you get your junk together. BIG DEAL. If you are so brave, why don't you get married. And this time, do it without a pre-nup. Now THAT is what I'd consider courageous (and virtuous). <P>NB,<P>Oh. He can take it. I sense he doesn't need me to walk on eggshells and rather enjoys the sparring, don't you?

Oh yeah, Stu...<P>Sisyphus lives for this stuff ,I think... <P>Carry on! <BR>