Wife wants to end 12 yr marriage (no affairs). We've told kids and worked out custody issues. Our state has formula for CS and is a no fault state. We do not agree on spousal support. We plan to live together until the end of May. She wants to use mediation.<P>1. What are some thoughts on "Mediation".<BR>2. Who should file? Is there any advantages to me filing?

LostHusband,<P>I don't know much about "Mediation".<P>Tom/"WhenIFindTheTime"/WIFTY<P>Has gone through Mediation.He has since now left the boards for awhile.But maybe you could post to him and when he gets back from his vacation he could answer your Q.<P>As far as the "Who files first".I have heard and for me my Atty,said that it doesn't make a bit of difference.<P>I supose it maybe depends on what state your in.<P>I did for the only reason of protecting my children.<BR>Not to mention the fact that I didn't want to live the rest of my life "In Limbo".[which my X could have done quite easily.]He had the best of both worlds.<P>Sorry I wasn't more help to you.<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<P>[This message has been edited by LittleCookie (edited March 19, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by LittleCookie (edited March 19, 2001).]

I attempted to go thru mediation. The only thing I can answer is for my state (NY), but in our state, its much cheaper than winding up in divorce court and can be done if both people agree on everything. <P>I think in cases where one person really can't trust the other first, you file first, to preserve the custodial parent of the children. <P>In our state, it costs more for whomever files. Not a lot, but you pay more court fees for filing in some way. Even in mediation, you can agree to split this cost equally.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

The best way to explain mediation: Three people in a room, two of whom have problems with each other, and the third a neutral person there to help come as close to fixing them as possible--and then put that fix down on paper. <P>Where do mediators come from? Usually there are a number of bored retired professionals rattling around town. They're not necessarily lawyers (and retired judges can usually sit on a just a few cases to help the court's caseload, so usually they don't really stop being judges unless and until they either can't or don't want to anymore). More likely, you're dealing with someone from some facet of the business world where talking and writing were needed. Probably still a sharp cookie. Sometimes, though, you're dealing with someone who is making a career as a mediator.<P>What will the mediator do? Hear both sides, and try to get each of you to move closer to honoring the other's position, while telling the other that to fully have that desire met would be unreasonable. In other words, you both get a good dose of browbeating. <P>It's friendlier, cheaper and quicker than court, and it can often be done by private firms rather than through the court--sometimes that's advantageous, if only for the sake of free parking. However, neither side is necessarily going to get the pound of flesh that it may be owed. So you have to decide what you want to do, and how you want to do it, and what you're willing to pay.